creator, editor, story tender
Posted on October 12, 2014 by pam
Hullo Sweeties…
Sunday Sunday… a glorious Sunday day. Much walking. Much sitting outside. And now… a zip through this week’s play in The Artist’s Way.
Week 11, for me, has been all about… re-affirming that it is not only OK to “do what I do, as I do it” but it is actually… the only way I can continue as an artist.
I can not … re-shape myself to fit the market. That way lies… death to the artist within me.
I KNOW this… but this week was a good refresher course on it.
Here we go…
~~o~~
Another fantastic Wednesday/Studio day …. I am loving having a day that is free of ALMOST all other commitments and dedicated to a morning’s writing work and an afternoon of artistic play. Ahhhh…..
I hope I can continue this.
Even if I do “other things” – the artist mindset stays with me. You’d think it would stay with me EVERY day – but… the world is weird that way. There is something about waking and smiling knowing that it is Studio Day that … sets this day apart.
Me like it.
This week, I worked on a leather pouch to hold my runes. Worked without a pattern, just looking at this piece of leather I bought years ago at a pow-wow and … finding the shape of the pouch. Poked holes with an old awl the Raggedy Man found for me out in the shed. Sewed it with waxed thread (cuz I googled sewing with leather and this was suggested). It’s a bit… clumsy looking… but I love it.
I still need to put the closing button on… I
hope to do that later today or tomorrow.
Synchronicity:
Tis all round me…. so… why can’t I recall an instance right this minute?
Hmm…
~~o~~
Didn’t do any of the “assigned” tasks this week.
I’ve been working working working on the reVisions to Sanctuary and dreaming and drawing and thinking on… the fast approaching end of the year. About Samhain (October 31st) and what sort of ritual I would like to do this year. About what sort of focus I see/feel coming for NEXT year.
And so… I let this weeks TAW tasks…. go undone.
So it goes.
~~o~~
Being true to the inner artist often results in work that sells–but not always. I have to free myself from determining my value and the value of my work by my work’s market value.
Yup.
And it is easier said than done.
I’ve always been one of the ones who HONESTLY MEANS IT when I say, “If my work touches one person–that is enough.” I believe this, still.
But some days, it is hard.
Some days I want the feelthy lucre mucho mucho. Not heaps of gold, of course. Just… a wee sack-ful perhaps.
A new friend, who has been reading these posts, asked me what I would write if “money was no object.” I was glad that I was still able to say… “Exactly what I AM writing.”
I made that choice a long time ago. And I continue to make it every day.
But I would be such a liar if I did not confess that I flirt with a … desire… to be able to “whip off a thriller or a caper or something that would take the oh so elusive shape of BEST SELLER.” I flirt with this… but I also know damned well that I write what I write and… I am unable to write anything else. (Though I do so like to try. Especially during the 3day Novel contest. Heh heh.)
Truth is – I can’t “whip off” anything.
Truth also is – my life is awesome just the way it is. I just want, very much, to keep doing exactly what I have been doing for the last two years.
That, m’dears, is all kinds of cool.
Miz J goes on to say…
…my credibility as an artist lies with me, God, and my work. In other words, if I have a poem to write, I need to write that poem–whether it will sell or not.
Yup.
As an artist, my self-respect comes from doing the work. One performance at a time, one gig at a time, one painting at a time.
Double yup.
And… I must not forget….
As an artist, I do not need to be rich but I do need to be richly supported. I cannot allow my emotional and intellectual life to stagnate, or the work will show it.
My life will show it.
So flippin true.
As is this…
Creativity is oxygen for our souls. Cutting off our creativity makes us savage. We react like we are being choked. There is a real rage that surfaces when we are interfered with on a level that involves picking lint off of us and fixing us up.
…
We will react as if we are fighting for our lives–we are.
Oooh yeah… you wanna hear some roaring…
I love that I can say that now.
That I have felt that rage.
I used to suppress all of that … any type of rage or anger or even… disgruntlement…. but as I get older, I get braver and I get more AWARE of what I need. And more willing to stand up for it.
And … hilariously… or sorrow-fullly… the person I most often need to stand up to is… MYSELF. My self who wants to run off and go back to school to “get a real job.” LORDY.
How the hell old do we have to be before she will finally accept that we HAVE A JOB already.
We are a writer. And a human. And… we are all kinds of things, and our job is to use our gifts to help others and to work out our own salvation.
Duh!
(snicker)
So… if you find yourself in battle with your self (or your parents or whoever)…. remember…
If you are happier writing than not writing, painting than not painting, singing than not singing, acting than not acting, directing than not directing, for God’s sake (and I mean that literally) let yourself do it.
And remember…
Creativity is a spiritual practice. It is not something that can be perfected, finished and set aside.
…
The stringent requirement of a sustained creative life is the humility to start again, to begin anew.
It is the willingness to once more be a beginner…
…
As artists, we are travelers.
…
The artist’s way is a spiral path.
As all of life is.
Round and round we go. Higher and higher and deeper and deeper.
And here is some grand grand advice that I have found my way to in in the past few years. I can vouch for this WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
Most blocked creatives are cerebral beings.
…
We need to move out of the head and into a body of work. To do this, we must first of all move INTO THE BODY. (my caps)
…
Creativity requires action, and part of that action must be physical.
…
Returning to the notion of ourselves as spiritual radio sets, we need enough energy to raise a strong signal. This is where walking comes in. What we are after here is a MOVING meditation. This means one where the act of motion puts us into the now and helps us to stop spinning. Twenty minutes a day is sufficient. The object is to stretch your mind more than your body, so there doesn’t need to be an emphasis on fitness, although eventual fitness is a likely result.
Hear hear!
Get out there and walk, my people.
Walk every day. And go ALONE if you can. More and more and MORE I think this is key to the whole creativity thing.
It clears our heads. And the movement, the speed is… just right…
As a artist, walking offers the added benefit of sensory saturation. Things do not whiz by. We really see them. In a sense, insight follows from sight. We fill the well and later tap it more easily.
… we gather food for thought.
… we learn by going, where we have to go.
And finally….
Julia urges us to create an Artist’s Altar.
A room, or corner, or window ledge, a haven where we can…
… celebrate the good things of this earth. Pretty leaves, rocks, candles, sea treasures — all these things remind us of our creator.
Small rituals, self-devised, are good for the soul. Burning incense while reading affirmations or writing them, lighting a candle, dancing to drum music, holding a smooth rock and listening to Gregorian Chant–all of these tactile, physical techniques reinforce spiritual growth.
I love that.
I have an altar – out in the Writing Burrow.
And I have a wee traveling altar that I take with me everywhere. It is just a few things. Incense, a candle, a few rocks, a tiny silver seashell given to me by a dear friend, and my wee rune-casting alter-ego.
I don’t have a “room of my own” in the shakey shack, so I set up my small travellin’ “altar” on the dresser beside the bunky when I work inside during the winter.
It soothes me.
I wonder if you have an altar of any sort. I’d love to hear about it if you do.
Or about any rituals you do around your work. Before you begin a session of work/play. When you finish.
In the Burrow, I light a candle and I say my Artist’s Prayer.
I sometimes burn incense as well.
And I close with a thank-you as I put out the candle.
I plan to bring this ritual inside to the bunky as well.
~~o~~
Oooop – time to pull some roasting beets out of the oven.
They smell delish.
I’m making some cuban black beans with kale for dinner, along with rice and these wonderful wonderful beets. I CRAVE them sometimes, and was thrilled to see one big bag of beets (10lbs) on sale at the Value Mart the other day.
My blessings abound!
Speaking of blessings. I just have to share this video with you. I found it today and it prompted me to start a whole new pinterest board called Super Smart Sh!t
If you’ve never heard of, or read any Lynda Barry…. go find her.
Here she is talking about…. Emily Dickinson, Poetry and Survival…
She speaks about learning how to really GET poetry – the power of memorization – and how poetry (and images and plays) help us honestly SURVIVE.
It’s fantastic!
Have a great week.
go easy ~p
Posted on October 5, 2014 by pam
Hullo all!
It’s a rainy day on the bay.
Time to review my week’s wanderings in The Artist’s Way.
This week was all about…exploring the Perils along the Creative Path – or the road to Creative Recovery for those of us… working the program. (she winks)
One of my favourite quotes showed up this week….
When we are really honest with ourselves we must admit our lives are all that really belong to us. So it is how we use our lives that determines the kind of men we are. – Cesar Chavez
Yep.
That’s what this is all about…
~~o~~
Creativity is God energy flowing through us, shaped by us, like light flowing through a crystal prism. When we are clear about who we are are and what we are doing, the energy flows freely and we experience no strain.
This… I love this idea…
I do not often feel it in my day to day practice as an Artist. I suppose this means that I am not, yet, often CLEAR.
This makes me laugh a bit. This idea that I am still not clear about who I am and what I am doing.

I started re-watching Season One of True Detective last night. And … oh there is something about the writing of that show (YAY Nic Pizzolatto!)… especially the character of Rust (played by Matthew McConaughey) that I LOVE LOVE LOVE.
There’s a scene in the interview room where he says…. “I know who I am. And after all these years, there’s a victory in that.”
It guts me. Every time.
Because… right then… at that point… Rust is saying that he’s a guy who works four nights a week at a bar and when he isn’t at work, he drinks … and there is no one to stop him.
It’s heartbreaking and yet… and yet… what is it that keeps bringing that scene back to me? The… laying back… and just letting it all BE. Just letting himself BE?
Maybe.
I dunno.
I do know that the idea of just… being who I am and doing what I do is… outstandingly appealing to me.
To… be… OK.
To know that being is enough.
Being kind. Yes. To others and to myself.
Doing my work. Yes. As well as I can.
Laying off … just a BIT, maybe, on the constant…struggle to be “better” and do “more.”
Maybe.
Moving on….Julia talks about how some of us use WORK to block our own creativity.
I assume a lot of people reading the book might think about … job-jobs… the rent paying gigs that keep us from doing our Artistic Work. That’s clear to see.
But I think we can also block ourselves WITH our Artistic Work – or aspects of it. We can get so… BUSY… with the work that we lose the true trail.
For many, work is the block of choice. Busy busy busy, they grab for tasks to numb themselves with. They can’t take a half hour’s walk, “What a waste of time!” Must-dos and multiple projects are drawn to them like flies to a soda can in the sun. They go, “Buzz, buzz, buzz. swat!” as they brush aside the stray thought that was the break through insight.
More more more…. Do MORE!
Yup… that’s my poison. Do more, work harder, put in more HOURS on the book. Or try another …. class/program/whatever…… to “make myself better” on the LIFE front. Get BUSY, Missy!
Sigh…
When asked to name our poison, most of us can
The need for perfection… the desire for commercial success… the need for…. APPROVAL from some outside source. These are my poisons.
And the way that I think I will GET to… the perfect draft that will win me accolades from Critics and the Public alike is… to work work work HARDER. To keep the nose to grindstone, to leap on that treadmill and pump it out pump it out pump it out…..
And… Sister J is so right when she says…
The choice to block always works in the short run and fails in the long run.
YES – I can make myself feel better (short term,) just by sitting down and FORCING my hand to work. But… if I’m not… also … LISTENING… then the stuff that oozes out of my pen is… well… dead.
It is dead. And in the long run, I know it is not…. the good stuff.
And THAT leads me to… run away from the project all together and stop working all together.
And then…sure enough…
The self-honesty lurking in us all always knows when we choose against our greater good. It marks a little hot on our spiritual blackboard: “Did it again.”
So… why on earth would I follow this pattern of behavior that I can SEE isn’t really working for me in the long run?
Well…. because…
Blocked, we know who and what we are: Unhappy people. Unblocked, we may be something much more threatening— happy.
Imagine that, eh?
Imagine if it were true.
If we could just… let it flow … let our creativity flow… and in letting it flow, we would be there, right in the middle of the flow and … thereby… we would be in “the NOW” and … all would be well… and so… we would be happy.
Cool.
And why would this “being happy” be dangerous or threatening?
Because it would also mean that we are letting the TRUTH flow out. If what Julia keeps harping on about is true and if our creativity is actually … THE CREATOR’s voice coming through us…. well…. some shite could hit the fan, no?

If we really DO begin to speak to truth to power (or Truth to Stupid as Aaron Sorkin so eloquently wrote in Newsroom), there’s power in that. Power to change the world. Power to change our selves.
Not the struggle to do more be more more more more… but to actually CHANGE. Once and for all and to maybe be… DECENT to each other and to know that we are all actually OK just as we are.
No need for all the … stuff… the world tries to sell us.
No need.
Just be here, now, and tell each other the truth of what is like to be here now.
Cool.
And to see, clearly, that it isn’t our “doings” that make us… worthy to live.
See…
There is a difference between zestful work toward a cherished goal and workaholism. That difference lies less in the hours than it does in the emotional quality of the hours spent. There is a treadmill quality to workaholism. We depend our our addiction and we resent it. For a workaholic, work is synonymous with worth and so we are hesitant to jettison any part of it.
Work is synonymous with worth…. RESONATES for this one.
And if the WORK isn’t…flowing… then I damned well need to MAKE IT FLOW. I need to work harder and harder on that treadmill.
How else can I … PROVE my worth?
I wonder why that is my question.
Should the question perhaps be…. “Why do I feel this need to PROVE my worth?”
Ahh… the things that happen to children. The things that happen to humans to load them up with hurt, and need, and oh the lack of true nourishment along the way.
We begin to win approval from others by… doing good in school, by cleaning up the house, by taking care of others. You are worthy if you do these things.
If you DON’T… Well…. what good ARE you?
What if instead, someone just says…. “I like hanging around with you.” Not because of what you DO for them. I mean…oh maybe you do things like… make them laugh, or listen to them, but that’s different than what I mean by “taking care” of someone.
What if someone just says… “I’m glad you are here.”
That’s nourishment.
And what if, instead of that feeling of FORCING myself to work, I came to the page each morning and simply… waited and listened and allowed.
I do manage that… sometimes.
I’m working on it right now, with these reVisions of Sanctuary. It is scary, because it seems to me that BY NOW I should already HAVE this story and these revisions should just be… tidying things up. But the truth is, by working the way I was working last year – under the LASH of produce produce produce…. a lot of what is on the page is… dead. And I need to LISTEN some more. It is scary, but it is also fascinating.
The listening is nourishing – for me.
And the showing up to the page each day is nourishing too.
All I am trying to remove is … the LASH.
So… what if we could all find a way, outside of a “specific project” to… show up to the page every day and by showing up, to be there for our own selves? And to LISTEN?
For all creative beings, the morning pages are the lifeline—the trail we explore and the trail home to ourselves
And what if … we believed that … even in times of drought… when the WORK on that “specific project” isn’t flowing, that we were still… worthwhile. That this time of drought would pass and that the ideas, the creativity, the feeling of being well and truly ALIVE would return?
What if we could survive the down times and learn from them. Learn to be kinder to ourselves and others?
What if we, in fact, kept a map of our time in the desert-land wilderness?
In a creative life, droughts are a a necessity. The time in the desert brings us clarity and charity. When you are in a drought, know that it is to a purpose and keep writing morning pages.
because….
To write is RIGHT things.
Morning pages are both our wilderness and our trail.
Yeah… what if we kept mapping it all out… and what if simply drawing these maps gave us solace the next time we hit a drought? Wouldn’t that be… “worth it?”
There were some more things I marked in the book this week.
But I’m going to leave it there. Because…. yes. This is the most important thing for me this week.
That we are, each of us, finding our own way.
That we are, each of us, OK just as we are and yet… still moving forward.
That there are times of movement and times of rest.
That…
Each of us is our own country, an interesting place to visit. It is the accurate mapping out of our own creative interests that invites the term original. We are the origin of our art, it’s homeland. Viewed this way, originality is the process of remaining true to ourselves.
Let us be true.
Let us know who we are and what we are doing.
~~o~~

Thanks for stopping by.
Stay cozy.
For the coming week…. a little RUMI…
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment ~ Jalal Ud-Din Rumi.
Go easy ~p
Posted on September 30, 2014 by pam
Hey Gang!
Bit late this week with my check in from working with The Artist’s Way.
The reason? Well…. There isn’t really a “good” reason. I’ve just been…. Delayed.
In the midst of a huge battle with FEAR right now. Huge and huge and HUGER than huge. It grows each day as I work my way through the reVision of Sanctuary.
It’s like…. I wake to a WEIGHT upon me each day and I have to fight my way out of the bed. I am not sleeping well at all at all at all… and as I lay there in the night, I often think, “Why don’t you just GET UP?!?” But I don’t. And in the morning… oh I just want to sleep. And it is so obvious that all of this is connected to … AVOIDING the page.
I am glad (and just a wee bit proud) to announce that I have been making it to the page each day… for at least a wee bit. Some days, Like today, I manage to stick with it for longer and OHHHHH it feels good when I do that. It is the GETTING to the page that is hard for me. Often, once I am there, I am happy happy happy to play in Izzy’s world.
Today, I rounded the corner on Day 5 (the book currently takes place over 9 days). Tomorrow I will begin work on Day 6. Can I get an “Ooh yeah!?”
And so… as I battle with my fears… I also fall behind on the TAW posting. But here we are…. Moving forward.
Week 9 of TAW is all about recovering our sense of compassion – especially compassion toward…. You guessed it… our Selves as artists.
And, of course, Julia dives right in to my least favourite topic right off the top. FEAR. But I do love the way she does it.
Flipping the chicken on it’s ear this week in order to dive right in to the juicy bits…
~~o~~
Julia… kicks it all off by telling us that…
One of the most important tasks in creative recovery is learning to call things—and ourselves—by the right names… We have wanted to create and we have been unable to create and we have called that inability laziness.
Oooh yeah, Sister. Sing it. I call myself lazy all the all the alllllll the time. Though I know danged well that I work hard and so on and so forth… it is never EVER hard enough. Nuh uh. Never never!
She goes on to state CLEARLY and concisely, wonderfully and… shockingly…
Blocked artists are not lazy. They are blocked.
Huh?
The blocked artist spends energy on self-hatred, on regret, on grief and on jealousy. The blocked artist spends energy on self-doubt.
The blocked artist does not know how to begin with baby steps. Instead, the blocked artist thinks in terms of great big scary impossible tasks: a novel, a feature film, a one-person show, an opera. When these large tasks are not accomplished, or even begun, the blocked artist calls that laziness.Do not call the inability to start laziness. Call it fear.
BooYa!
And Miss PamelaPoop – do not call the inability to FINISH laziness. Call it fear.
Name it true.
I am terrified to finish this reVision. Because once I finish it and go over the beastly thing one more time (just to check and check and check for the oh so obvious horribleness), I will have to… LET SOMEONE READ IT.
Fuck me, right?
I don’t wanna. Cuz… it so might suck. Or blow. Or just, lie there on the page like a rotting dead and smelly fish.
And…
There is a part of me that thinks…. If it is not… “good” then… well … then I am not “good”. There is a part of me that thinks that if this novel, my second novel, is not any where near as … engaging… as my first novel… then… well… then… I shall just … fall over and die.
Course that isn’t true.
And this is still early days, in truth.
The draft of Mostly Happy that I FINALLY let a few select readers see was NOT the finished book. There was still miles to go to reach that end. But…. I forget that.
In the deep dark night and the cold early morning, I forget that.
As I walk, with a thermos of coffee and the laptop out to my wonderful Writing Burrow, I am filled with dread and I almost always pause, 1/2 way there and throw up a little in my mouth. This is how my days start, right now.
And it’s hard to remember that they will get better again.
I will finish this draft and I will let my chosen readers into this new world and then… and then…?
And then, they will be with me and I won’t be all alone in this world anymore.
And… even if what they have to say sends me back in and back in and back in again to make the work stronger… I will have COMPANY on the journey. And that, my friends, will be fantastic.
My brain knows this.
My gut… well… it will keep churning as we work through this end bit for the next couple of weeks.
It’s par for the course.
I’ve an urge to just stop right there and let THIS be my check in for the week. Ha. But no… there’s more.
Hear our sweet soul sister say THIS…
The need to be a great artist makes it hard to be an artist.
The need to produce a great work of art makes it hard to produce any art at all.
She goes on to say…
…You must give yourself permission to begin small and go in baby steps. These steps must be rewarded.
Oh wait, what?
My inner meany yells, “So I should reward myself for … just doing my damned job?”
Yes, Pam. Right now, that is exactly what you should do. Reward yourself for making it into the Writing Burrow and sitting down and doing the work.
I tend to forget the “reward” part. Focusing instead on how god-darned LONG it took me to get my butt into the chair.
But wait….
Do not call procrastination laziness. Call it fear.
And listen… listen… to these wise words….
There is only one cure for fear. That cure is love.
Use love for your artist to cure it’s fear.
Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice. Call fear by its right name.
I shall try, Julia.
I shall do more than try. I shall DO IT.
Yes. I shall.
Sister J goes on to talk about the power of Enthusiasm and how much stronger it is than “discipline.” Fascinating stuff, I tell ya.
As artists, grounding our self-image in military discipline is dangerous.
…
The discipline itself, not the creative outflow becomes the point.
This rings so true for me. So freaking true.
Enthusiasm is not an emotional state. It is a spiritual commitment, a loving surrender to our creative process, a loving recognition of all the creativity around us.
Enthusiasm (from the Greek, “filled with God”) is an ongoing energy supply tapped into the flow of life itself. Enthusiasm is grounded in play, not work.
Oh… ding-ding-ding!
Imagine if instead of pacing out to the Writing Burrow with puke in my mouth but DETERMINED to WHIP this BOOK into SHAPE…. I instead came out here with the feeling of heading off on a “secret adventure.”
Imagine if…
What other people may view as discipline is actually a play date that we make with our artist child: “I’ll meet you at 6:00 AM and we’ll goof around with that script, painting, sculpture….”
Because…
Our artist child can best be enticed to work by treating work as play.
Yes indeedy!
Julia goes on to talk about Creative U-turns. This section… I did not mark up at all.
I do not think that this is because the words were not screaming out to me. I think it is because… I have been so FRICKEN close to falling into one.
I have been so close, my friends, to… abandoning this book. So close to quitting all together. Way way too close.
I read the section on Creative U-Turns And I will read it again and again and again and I will not U-turn myself. I will keep moving forward with this book, and with my writing work. And if the next step is finding a darned Agent then … I will do that too.
Somehow.
Moving on to the next section in the chapter – Blasting Through Blocks.
I did this exercise. And I feel certain that it may have saved my life. Especially step Five.
I usually send you to the book itself to get the exercise, but here is a quick version … It is STRONG stuff. Strong strong stuff. I can attest to that.
Julia Cameron’s Blasting Through Blocks Exercise (From TAW)
To be used at the beginning of a new project, or any time the work bogs down or grows difficult.
1. List any Resentments you have in connection with this project (no matter how “petty’).
2. Ask your artist to list any and all fears she has about the projected piece of work and anyone connected to it.
3. Ask yourself if that is all – have you left out any fear? Suppressed any anger? Get it out onto the page.
4. Ask yourself what you stand to gain by NOT DOING the project.
5. Make your deal. The deal is, “Okay, Creative Force, you take care of the quality. I’ll take care of the quantity.” Sign your deal and POST it.
I did it.
I did it and… yeah yeah… I wept I little. Especially doing #4. That’s where I really really GOT how afraid I am to finish this book. Yee-ouchy!
And I wrote out my “deal” on the chalkboard in the Writing Burrow. It will stay there until this reVision is done… and perhaps beyond.
And lemme tell ya…
Though it took me a while to get my butt into the chair today. I did it. And it was … oh man… it was such a relief at this point to hand over that “quality control” to the Creatrix and just… do my job and get the words onto the page.
A weight was lifted.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I ain’t gonna try to make this a super awesome book, but… It feels like I have a partner now.
Can it work?
Time will tell.
And… just to keep the chicken in line…. Here’s the rest….
~~o~~
Morning Pages: 9/9
Artist Date:
Ooh yeah! We had a fantastic Wednesday together.
Synchronicity:
The whole fear thing coming up for me this week. So bang bang BANG on for what is happening with me right now.
Also a few fun ones – people writing me an email as I am about to email them, or calling when I am about to call.
~~o~~
1. That Block Busting exercise was enough for me this week. Though the tasks she lists at the end of the chapter feel entirely tempting (especially that one about choosing an artist totem)… I am going to MOVE on to the next chapter.
~~O~~
Slow down and listen to your body. See what is really happening with your self and… GIVE THINGS THEIR PROPER NAME.
You don’t need to push away the feeling or sensation, just recognize it for what it is. Greet it, and call it by it’s true name.
Remember what that wise woman from across the bay said to you, this summer, “You might even be able to thank it, one day, for the lessons it brings.”
~Amen (and a little woman) to THAT.
~~O~~
Thanks for stopping by.
Sorry this one was a bit late.
Wishing us all a week of…
Courage in the face of fear.
Go easy ~p
Posted on September 21, 2014 by pam
Hullo Groovy Humans!
Sunday again and here I be with the skinny on my week’s work with The Artist’s Way.
Week 8 is … chock full o’ goodies and I do believe that this one is going have to revisit this one somewhere down the line in order to get some more juice out of it.
For me, this pass through was all about:
We cruise through sections on: Survival, The Ivory Power, Gain Disguised as Loss, Age and Time:Product and Process, Finding the Form an exercise on revealing our Early Patterning and some Affirmation work.
It’s a long post…. let’s dive in.
~~o~~
Hmmm…. Once again my plans went a tad … awry.
I am in the process of declaring/claiming Wednesdays as my “Full Day” in the Writing Burrow. This was to be my first. Sadly… the new propane heater that the Raggedy Man so generously purchased for me to go with the big ole $45.00 HOSE I bought so that I can use a big refillable propane tank instead of the wee disposable canisters… wouldn’t WORK. And… it was cold. I messed around with the heater n hose for an hour or so. Then the Raggedy Man took a crack at it for another hour. No go.
So… into town we go to see if the handy folks at Home Hardware can help.
We have a replacement hose on order.
Annnnd… so the day slipped away from me.
I did spend some time gathering materials for the mending of the compass necklace and for the making of a leather pouch for my new runes.
But my wee inner Arty is getting mighty cranky about me not giving her some dedicated play time.
So often I think… “Well, my whole LIFE is an Artist Date, isn’t it? Isn’t this working through the book a good Artist Date? Isn’t working on my novel?”
And I hear back, “Uh… No Pam. Those things don’t count. You need to make the time to PUH-LAY. OK?”
“OK. I promise. This week, for sure. A no distraction stretch of time for creative play. Not work. Not organizing or whatever. Pure play or rest or whatever you want, for 2 hours. I swear it.”
Synchronicity:
Drawing a blank. I imagine there was some… but I can’t bring any to mind, right now. Can it be that I am taking things for granted?
~~o~~
~~o~~
First up we have this lil gem….
Perhaps the most damaging form of artistic loss has to do with criticism, The artist within, like the child within, is seldom hurt by truth….much true criticism liberates the artist it is aimed at. We are childlike, not childish. Ah-hah is often the accompanying inner sound when a well placed, accurate critical arrow makes it’s mark. The artist thinks, ‘Yes! I can see that! That’s right! I can change that!”
The criticism that damages an artist is the criticism–well intentioned or ill–that contains no saving kernel of truth yet has a certain damning plausibility or and unassailable blanket judgement that cannot be rationally refuted.
Only thing in here I take issue with is the “I can change that!” I would write… “I can WORK WITH that!” instead. Otherwise… I totally agree with Julia on this.
I have been fortunate to receive some fantastic, useful, criticism on my work. People who challenge me to do better, to write clearer and with more honesty. People who see things in my work that I could not see myself — both strengths and weaknesses. People who ASK ME THE RIGHT QUESTION. It seems to often come down to that for me. A question that gets me excited to go back in to the material and make it better, stronger, faster and funnier or more heartbreaking than it was before.
I have also been on the receiving of… well-intentioned criticism that has sent me to my bed and stopped my writing hand. Criticism that has somehow… shamed me into silence. For a while. Luckily, I always bounce back. And I’ve learned something from these episodes as well. Even it it is just… chose your mentors and those you allow to read early drafts of your work WELL. And be clear with them about what it is you want from them.
Julia spends some time talking about the dangers inherent in our current… academies of learning.
The following rang true to me as a sometime teacher and mentor to blossoming writers. When she speaks of “younger” artists, I take it to mean young in the sense that they are just beginning to create, no matter what their biological age may be. I’ve worked with teens and seniors. There are seedlings artists of every age, and they all need nurturing and support. They can take “the truth” but the responsibility of being a teacher must be taken to heart.
Younger artists are seedlings. Their early work resembles thicket and underbrush, even weeds. The halls of academia, with their preference for lofty intellectual theorems, do little to support the life on the forest floor.
…
…as taller trees, let us not allow our darker critical powers unfettered play upon the seedling artists in our midst.
Amen to that!
And then… there is this…which may sound unrelated… but it ain’t.
…Often audacity, not authentic talent, confers fame on an artist. The lack of audacity–pinched out by critical abuse or malnourished through neglect–may cripple many artists far superior to those we publicly acclaim.
Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.
First off… audacity… the taking of risks… is PARAMOUNT to an artist. In order to create original work we must take risks.
But there is another form of audacity or courage or pluck, that is just as important… the courage to put our selves and our work “out there.”
I know so many super talented artists whose work I ADORE that just don’t have it in them to self-promote. It is so hard. And a blow from a mentor can knock any whiff of self-confidence and belief in your own work, right out of you.
I don’t just mean self-promote in the make a website, create a newsletter, build your fanbase and sell your stuff sense.
I also mean self-promote in the sense of… walking across the floor to introduce yourself to the new Artistic Director of a theatre, or that film director or gallery owner you admire or going out in search of an literary agent. I mean self-promote by getting yourself to the party at all. By sending your work out into the world.
Let us be AUDACIOUS!
And when criticism takes us down, we must remember….
Like the career of any athlete, an artist’s life will have it’s injuries. These go with the game. The trick is to survive them, to learn how to let yourself heal. Just as a player who ignores a sore muscle may tear it further, an artist who buries his pain over losses will ultimately cripple himself [herself] into silence. Give yourself the dignity of admitting your artistic wounds. That is the first step in healing them.
No inventory of our artistic injuries would be complete without acknowledging those wounds that are self-inflicted. Many times, as artists, we are offered a chance that we balk at, sabotaged by our fear, our low self-worth, or simply other agendas.
Wanna hear something hilarious? When I high-lighted this passage, I left part of it out. Guess which part?
Give yourself the dignity of admitting your artistic wounds. That is the first step in healing them.
Yup.
I slay myself sometimes. In the laugh-out-loud sense. And, sadly, in the other sense as well.
Gain disguised as loss is a potent artist’s tool. To acquire it, simply, brutally, ask: ‘ how can this loss serve me? Where does it point my work?’ The answers will surprise and liberate you.
…
‘In order to catch the ball, you have to want to want to catch the ball,’ the film director John Cassavetes once told a young director. Hearing this, I took it to mean, ‘Stop complaining about the lousy curves you get thrown and stretch, reach for what you really want.’
Julia goes on to reveal how hard it was to have her original scripts bought and never made into films… for YEARS. Trudging down the well-worn path of “how things are done” writing script after script and watching them all DIE, til she finally “began to look for the other door” and became an independent film maker.
Like a lot of film folk I know, who wanted to tell their own stories and not just work as “crew” on big outta town films.
Like my musician friends who create and release independent albums.
Like writer pals who hire editors and designers and self-publish their own work.
And like my playwriting compadres who form companies with actors and produce their own shows. Or even become actors themselves and take their solo shows on the road.
These are other doors.
..when hit by loss, (learn) to ask the right question: ‘What next?’ instead of ‘Why me?’
Like Shirley Clarke – a woman I totally need to find out more about.
She was a dancer, who started making films so there would be some decent dance films and became a first-rate feature director and then evolved into a videographer when her film revenues dried up.
As Julia notes:
She clearly took to heart the idea that it was harder to hit a moving target. Whenever one avenue for her creativity was blocked, she found another.
She goes on to list other instances of the same sort…
Elia Kazan, out of favor as a director, wrote novels. The director John Cassavetes, also a fine actor, used his acting to fund his directing efforts which were too eclectic for studio backing…
…
We would not enjoy the wonderful series Fairytale Theatre if actress-producer Shelley Duvall had stayed home, complaining, during acting droughts instead of turning her creativity elsewhere. Non illegitimie te carborandum, the graffiti in prisoner of war camps is said to have run. The rough translation, very important for artists, is ‘Don’t let the bastards get you down.’
…
When faced with a loss, immediately take one small action to support your artist. Even if all you are doing is buying a bunch of tulips and a sketch pad, your actions says, ‘I acknowledge you and your pain. I promise you a future worth having.’
I dig that.
I also dig what she has to say to those who would say, “I am to old to become an artist!”
Our ego plays this little trick to keep us from getting started. Instead of allowing ourselves a creative journey, we focus on the length of the trip. ‘It’s such a long way,’ we tell ourselves. It may be, but each day is just one more day with some motion in it, and that motion toward a goal is very enjoyable.
Because… and here is a real kicker… a true and wonderful kicker…
…creativity lies not in the done but in doing.
BooYa!
Focused on process, our creative live retains a sense of adventure. Focused on product, the same creative life can feel foolish or barren.
…
We, as working artists, may want to explore a new artistic area, but we don’t see where it will get us. We wonder if it will be good for our career. Fixated on the need to have something to show for our labors, we often deny our curiosities. Every time we do this, we are blocked.
Man she makes me want to shout shit from the rooftops.
Listen…
The grace to be a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist. The beginner’s humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads to accomplishment. All of it begins at the beginning, with the first small and scary step.
And small step by small step… we do what she calls “filling the form.” Which means…
You write your daily pages. It means that when obsession strikes–as it will–about how the damned thing is not any good, you tell yourself that this is a question for later and turn back to do doing the next right thing. And that means you write the pages of the day.
Annnd…. here comes the weeping again.
Bang on. I’ve no better advice for anyone working on their first or eighty-first story, or dance or painting…
I call it… Showing up to the page. Every day. Or on the days you can. Show up and do your work.
And maybe whisper…. “I create, I listen and I am led.”
It’s helping me keep the faith.
Cuz here’s the truth of it…
The creative life is grounded on many, many small steps and very, very few large leaps.
…
Creativity requires activity.
…
Most blocked creatives have an active addiction to anxiety. We prefer the low-grade pain and occasional heart-stopping panic attack to the drudgery of small and simple daily steps in the right direction.
Yup.
Yup.
Yup.
Man, it feels like I am typing out this whole fricken chapter. I just gotta STOP now.
If you are digging this info – you MUST go and get the book and begin your own journey through it. Believe it or not – there are a million pearls that I am NOT typing out.
Working through the book with my fellow SpiritWalkers over at Sea Change – I am amazed at what each of us gleans from each week’s journey. It is vast and deep this book and it will speak to each artist in a different way, each time we work with it.
This is just the stuff smacking my particular head at this particular time in my life.
She has other goodies, especially for you. I promise.
And when you get to the end of Chapter 8 and do the Goal Search task…. drop me a line and let me know how it goes. It has KNOCKED ME FOR A LOOP!
~~o~~
Find your True North.
If you get to the end of chapter 8, you’ll know what I mean.
I don’t mean to be elusive… I’m just tuckered right out and need to drink some tea and head to bed.
~~o~~
Thanks for stopping by.
Sorry this one is so long.
Wishing you a week of… clear vision.
Go easy ~p
PS – Look what I found! A short Shirley Clarke Film.
A little something for film buffs… and folks who like bridges….
Posted on September 15, 2014 by pam
~~o~~ Last Quarter ~ Leaf Turning Moon ~~o~~
Greetings peeples
Slipping into the last quarter of this here moonth.
This is the third week of “Simple Living” and our challenge is to set a 10-15 minute “no distraction” zone in which we focus on ONE TASK AT A TIME.
I love this idea and am embracing it fully.
I spend far too much time Multi-Tasking and it is making me tired tired TIRED and it feels like… nothing gets done.
What a relief to decide to do come back to Single Tasking. Giving my full focus to ONE thing at a time. Ahhhhhhhh.
This idea of the No Distraction Zones and the overall focus of Simple Living fits in perfectly with this week’s lunar energy of decreasing and untangling.
Moving into the Last 1/4 of the moon, I shift my focus toward how I am FEELING about this month’s practice/challenge.
What emotions are rising up in connection to this idea of Single Tasking?
I feel…. relieved. I feel as though I hunger for this type of BEing.
The larger concept of Simple Living brings up a bunch of emotions for me.
I long for “the simple life” in many ways. And in a heap of ways, I live a simple life. I’ve cut down my outside commitments to the minimum. I am focused on my creative work and my home/family/friends and my own … explorations of the Spirit. Yet I still often feel… rushed… or crowded. I feel I have too much… stuff. And yet I love my stuff 😉
I could get rid of a bunch of clothes that no longer fit this body.
I could carefully weed out some books that I don’t REALLY need to own.
I could clean out some files and… so on.
I could cut back on my online time.
And….. the fear alarms go off.
But but but… But I would lose contact with people!!!! I might…. miss out on something!!!!
And there it is…. the big reason, the big BLOCK to my simplifying my life even more. I am so darned afraid that I will miss out on something. Sheesh.
I am pulled to sign up for this and that… to join this forum and that chat… EVEN though I said that I would cut back on this sort of thing this year… I still do it. Not as MUCH as last year, but…
But nothing.
I hereby celebrate that I have managed NOT to sign up for every lil thing that came my way this year.
Celebrate! Celebrate!
Ok… Enough of that. (ha!)
The last quarter is also a time to take a look at our overall health and wellbeing.
The body is feeling much better (hoorah) and the reVision work continues on Sanctuary (hooray). In fact I had a most excellently long shift of work done today, and I find my enthusiasm for the tale growing again. (YAHOOOOO!). We may just find our way to the end of this one yet.

I’m keeping this chicken pretty short and sweet today, because I find myself wondering, yet again, if all of this… paying attention and tracking of things and so on might be tipping over from … leading an intentional life into… plain ole self obsession. And might be actually making me feel … WORSE instead of… wiser.
I hope not. But I do wonder sometimes. Heh heh.
Especially now that I seem to be doing TWO check ins each week.
Different though they may be.
Hmmm…. something for me to think on.
I will continue to post these moony musings until at least October 31st which will mark a full year of …. watching the moon. Then… we’ll see what happens.
Ok then… that is all for this week’s moony chicken.
~~o~~
Thanks for stopping by.
Unbraid. Untangle. Let things wind down as we make our way towards the Dark Moon.
Go easy ~p
Shake and Bakes are my loony lunar check-ins (CHICKENS!). I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and living by the moon. Much thanks to HAVI over at the Fluent Self for inspiration and to APRIL at Big Sky Astrology for her monthly Working with the Moon booklets.
Posted on September 14, 2014 by pam
Hullo Sweeties…

Sunday Sunday… a cloudy Sunday, sitting by the fire, mulling over this week’s “work” in The Artist’s Way.
Week 7 is all about connecting to our own, very personal, dreams. Julia breaks the chapter up into sections on: Listening, Perfectionism, Risk and Jealousy. With an exercise on creating a Jealousy Map and one called Archeology that helps us take a look back at some things we may have missed or lacked as a child (Past) and a closer look at our abundant wonderfilled Present.
Here we go…
~~o~~
Hmmm…. my PLAN for my artist date was to rebuild my compass necklace. I got my beads and jewellery making stuff out of storage but haven’t gotten around to fixing the necklace.
Truth is… I forgot to set a date with my artist. I got all cocky and didn’t set a specific time aside and… no date.
Good to know.
These dates are important. And I very much want to make them a part of my week.
Synchronicity:
A most excellent and delicious example of synchronicity for me this week.
I have a desire to bring more poetry into my life. I keep books … beside the bed, in the writing burrow, in the outhouse… anywhere I might pick up on to read. I’ve also been playing with the POETRY APP (created by the poetry foundation) on my tablet – it lets me SPIN out a selection of poems to read on the go.
The other day… I SPUN out this amazing poem…
“I Am Not I”
BY JUAN RAMÓN JIMÉNEZ
TRANSLATED BY ROBERT BLYI am not I.
I am this one
walking beside me whom I do not see,
whom at times I manage to visit,
and whom at other times I forget;
who remains calm and silent while I talk,
and forgives, gently, when I hate,
who walks where I am not,
who will remain standing when I die.
It was my first exposure to Juan Ramón Jiménez.
The next day… one of my wonderful SpiritWalker cohorts sent me the following words…
“I was reminded of one of my favourite poems by Juan Ramón Jiménez, when you talked about running too fast, diving too deep…:
Don’t run, go slowly,
it is only to yourself that you have to go!
Go slowly, don’t run,
for the child of yourself, just born
and eternal
cannot follow you.
I love BOTH poems and now I have a new poet who’s work I look forward to exploring. YAY!
The universe is so wonderful.
~~o~~
So it goes.
~~o~~
Sometimes, as I begin a new chapter in TAW, I think… Ya ya… I know this already! And then… I realize that I don’t really KNOW stuff at all at all.
Like…. for instance….
Art is not about thinking something up. It is about the opposite—getting something down.
…
If we are trying to think something up, we are straining to reach for something that’s just beyond our grasp, “Up there in the stratosphere, where art lives on high….”
When we get something down, there is no strain. We’re not doing: we’re getting. Someone or something else is doing the doing. Instead of reaching for inventions, we are engaged in listening.
…
We are more the conduit than the creator of what we express.
OK… so that’s a big chunk to take in. And there is a lot within this chunk for me to unpack for myself.
First off, I am slowly coming around to this idea of listening… of not striving so much to invent something, come UP with something clever or wise or whatever, but just… showing up… doing the work and trusting. But man, it’s hard.
I guess I have to face up to the fact that I think I am a pretty smart cookie, and that I HAVE “made things up”… and pretty good things too.
Though I have been blessed by that thing we call “flow” it is… oh it is so RARE for me and in the meantime… a girl has to keep working.
I can so so SO easily forget that all the sweaty work in the trenches is … not really the… magic thing. It allows the magic thing… but it is not the source of the magic.
I need to remember that … my job is to show up every day and do my very best work and as I create… I listen… and I am led.
I have been writing this sentence over and over since I started working through TAW.
Could it be that it is finally starting to sink in?
I need to show up, roll up my sleeves and begin. Annnnnd…. Not forget to breathe and listen and allow. That is all.
Sounds so simple.
Is so simple.
And incredibly hard for this one to do.
Second revelation from the quote – is…. that I really do think ART lives up there, somewhere on high.
Though the things that touch me and move me are NOT high-falutin. They are simple, honest things. And though I know danged well that the THING that makes me go, “Oh. Yes. Right. THAT is what it means to be a human.” That THING isn’t from up on high. That THING is… from living. From a human living in a body on this earth in their time and simply trying to show me what that feels like.
It’s Terry Temperance Williams telling me about her mother’s journals in her beautiful book- When Women Were Birds. It’s Harper Lee bringing me Boo Radley and Scout and Atticus and, through them, teaching me about honour and singing me a love letter to her father in To Kill a Mockingbird. It’s Bronwen Wallace offering up what it means to be a friend in People You’d Trust Your Life To.
I get this. I do.
I get that ART is in the… truth of the work and that the truth that truly reaches us all is from… inside of the artist creating the work and also… from something… universal, that we as artists can tap into (on those good good days).
I looooooonnnnng to be a conduit.
And in moments, I am.
In the other hours, days, weeks and months — I am more like a hard rock miner.
Least that’s how I feel… mostly.
I’m not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but myself.
Ah well… Let’s keep going…
Once you accept that it is natural to create, you can begin to accept a second idea—that the creator will hand you whatever you need for the project.
…
…there is a second voice, a higher harmonic, adding to and augmenting your inner creative voice. This voice frequently shows itself in synchronicity.
A-HA… I might have just figured something out.
See, I still harbour this old old ancient belief that … creating is taboo. That there are stories that must never be told. That the very act of creation will lead… holy heck, yeah… that the very act of creating—of writing especially—could very well lead to my death.
I know that sounds totally Drama Queen Time—but… Hand to my heart, it is what my deep down renegade scribbler believes. That every time she takes that pen in hand, she is smashing the silence.
And if that is what I really think… how on earth can I believe that GOD will … help me?
How can I …
…accept the possibility that the universe is helping you with what you are doing.
I mean that’s crazy, right?
Here’s what Julia says…
Try to remember that God is the Great Artist. Artists like other artists.
OK… I know some artists… do they like each other? Mostly. Some have jealousies or rivalries. But the ones that I think are truly TRULY doing the work they are meant to be doing… are always incredibly interested and supportive of other artists and their work. And I even know why— because they know that there is room for everyone and that each of us brings our own thing. We aren’t really in competition with each other.
No one can “write my book” or truly “steal my idea” — it’s impossible.
I can miss the boat though.
I’ve had that happen a few times. Some “idea” comes to me, and I don’t run with it, or I run a little way and then get distracted and… a few months (or years) later… BOOM! There it is — in a book, on stage or screen. I was too slow (my hugest fear), or I was too afraid (that sounds more like it).
They’ll never create what I would’ve created with the nugget, but it’s similar enough for me to firmly slap my palm against my forehead even as I rise to my feet to applaud them.
Well…. here’s a good quote to fend off some of those fears of mine….
Do not fear mistakes, There are none. ~ Miles Davis
And here’s a some lil ditties that will make those of you who have been following my progress on the new book TITTER…
For the perfectionist, there are no first drafts, rough sketches, warm up exercises. Every draft is meant to be final, perfect, set in stone.
Midway through a project, the perfectionist decides to read it all over, outline it, see where it’s going.
And where is it going? Nowhere, very fast.
Again… I say, “Julia, get out of my HOUSE!”
This is totally what I have been doing with Sanctuary. I DID get to the end of a first draft. FINALLY. And then I started on the second draft and then I stopped… and decided to go through and timeline the whole thing to … uh yeah… see where it was going … and then I started again… great! But… I keep stopping and backing up and backing up and backing up and … and… and Julia goes on to say….
A book is never finished. But at a certain point you stop writing it and go on to the next thing.
…
That is a normal part of creativity—letting go. We always do the best that we can by the light we have to see by.
I have a touch of trouble with the letting go thing.
I love that last line so much, I’m gonna repeat it.
We always do the best that we can by the light we have to see by.
Amen, Sister.
Julia then goes on to talk about risk. Not about the risk I was talking about earlier… not about how just the act of CREATION can be seen as a risk. She is talking about about the risk of not being perfect, and about the true cost of playing it safe.
…safety is a very expensive illusion.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Once we are willing to accept that anything worth doing might even be worth doing badly our options widen. “If I didn’t have to do it perfectly I would try…”
Oh, what would you try?
What WOULDN’T we try, eh?
Then she takes a look at jealousy and how it can be a map for us. How, often, her own Jealousy was a mask for fear.
My jealousy had actually been a mask for my fear of doing something I really wanted to do but was not yet brave enough to take action toward.
It’s interesting to look at jealousy in this way. Who are we jealous of and why?
She has a great exercise that she calls The Jealousy Map where you make three columns…
To Make a Jealousy Map…
In the first column, name those whom you are jealous of.
Next to each name write why. Be as specific and accurate as you can.
In the third column, list one action you can take to move toward creative risk and out of jealousy.
I did this exercise, and I found it really difficult. I think it was the word JEALOUSY…
So I switched it up to…
Who do you ADMIRE and why — and what is one simple action that you can take towards that which you admire in them?
That worked a bit better for me.
The final section of the chapter deals with doing some digging in our pasts— taking a look at things we missed or lost or needed and never got as kids.
Thankfully, Julia doesn’t leave us wallowing in our “lacks” — she finishes up on a positive note, having us take stock of the good things we have to build on in the present.
I enjoyed this week – though i didn’t feel that I really dove in to the tasks… and “forgetting” to schedule my Artist Date… not so cool.
I shall strengthen my determination for the coming week.
~~o~~
The thing that I am still gnawing on is… this connection to the Creator in our work. And to finding my own balance between the Craft of Writing and the Free Flow of what I tend to call “wild mind”.
I believe that I need BOTH in my work.
I need to be there to let the wild flow come through me – and I also need to craft that material into a complete WHOLE. So that it all hangs together. Especially in a long piece like a novel.
That’s the job description as I see it (today).
~~o~~
Okely Dokely – thanks for stopping by.
I’m putting on the kettle now to make some tea and dive in to Week 8 – Recovering a Sense of Strength.
Wishing you… some poetry this week. Some to read and some to write and some to hear in the everyday clangity-clang of life.
Go easy ~p
Posted on September 8, 2014 by pam
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and living by the moon. Much thanks to HAVI over at the Fluent Self for inspiration and to APRIL at Big Sky Astrology for her monthly Working with the Moon booklets.
~~o~~ FULL Leaf Turning Moon (in Pisces) ~~o~~
Wowza wowza – another full moon night….
It’s been a “recovery” week for me. The ole bod has been letting me know that all is not well in my universe. Just as I was getting my wind back after the 3 Day Novel Contest, I got knocked down for a day (Thursday) with an earache and then on Friday – a strange new aching PAIN appeared in my lower back (right side)… it had me holding pretty STILL over the weekend, and is still there today.
I am listening to the body – resting and moving when it seems right. And listening too for a deeper message. This… body stopping… thing usually occurs when I have overdone things, stretched myself too thin. I know that there will be folks out there going, “Well, it’s obviously that crazy 3Day Novel thing she does – it is just TOO MUCH.” I hear ya, but I honestly don’t think that is what it is. I think it is … farther down… and has more to do with emotions and Spirit than just physical strain.
I think it is something I need to work out in private, for now.
But… on a happier note….
huzzah hoorah!
I am insanely happy to report that the energy of the Full Moon got me back to work on the reVisions of Sanctuary.
I’m back in, with renewed determination and conviction that I WILL see this tale through to another completed draft before Christmas.
All waves of creative support gladly accepted.
Oh man, it felt good to dive back in. It was disorienting for a few minutes, finding my way back in after this break, but I was soon humming away and find myself looking forward to my morning shift.
woot!
And on that note… Let us chicken…
~~o~~
~~o~~
This is the second week of “Simple Living” Last week, we were reviewing and thinning out our commitments. This week, we are looking at …. de-cluttering… again.
I haven’t really found my feet with this one.
In some ways, I’ve simplified my life a lot in the past couple of years. Moving to the shack. Stepping down from volunteer positions that, though incredibly worthy, took heaps of time and energy. Bringing all of my creative focus into finishing this book. Slowing down and taking the time to work on and with Spirit. Cooking fresh, simple food for me and the Raggedy Man. Tending house (as best I can). Tending my people (as best I can). Tending mySelf (as best I can).
And yet – I still often feel … like I don’t have enough time in the day.
Making me think that there is yet more simplifying to do.
There is deffo some de-cluttering to do… but, as I’ve said before – I hang my head in exhaustion at the very thought of it.
Let’s see what the moon would have me focus on this week….
And… ha ha — hee hee — it actually makes me smile. Because here is something I CAN do….
Hmmm…. there is something really juicy here for me.
I keep coming back to the two things that happened right after I “finished” this year’s
3 Day Novel. My compass necklace “broke” and I fell flat on my face in the mud, but was unharmed — and in fact, I laughed and laughed from my place on the ground.
I have a wonderful “online friend” named Diane (check out her beautiful blog – a focused journey) who visits here regularly and offers up the most lovely, thoughtful comments. She got me thinking again about what these things could mean, and I came up with the following…
…As to the “broken” compass… I am taking it as a sign that this is a time to….reset my compass. I shall rebuild the necklace myself. Maybe adding a few beads of a different sort. Make it my own creation.
I like the sound of that.
Yeah…. a reset of my compass. I can do that.
Instead of bashing away at this draft, I think I might try to … ease back a bit and let the tale lead me.
WAS I “bashing away?” Maybe. A bit. Or at least that is what I have been INTENDING to do this week.
Get back in there and pound the thing into shape! Force it into some shape that looks like … like what?
Like a “good” book.
Like a “well told” story.
Like something that will…. SELL.
The “let the characters tell you the story” method is usually how I work – but sometimes I forget – especially when it gets to this part of the process and it feels like it is taking me FOREVER to find the true story within all the words words words. When, honestly, I just want to FINISH this project and move on.
I can lose faith. In myself. In the story.
And … I can fear that … this time, I am surely going to fall flat on my face. Be exposed as a “no good” writer. A fake. A phony. That it will stink.
So… what?
So what if it does stink? I won’t die from it.
It sometimes feels like I will, but I won’t. I can fall face first in the mud and come up laughing. Just like I did Monday night.
This is a reminder. Reset the compass. And carry on. Trust the stars to lead you safely home.
And if you fail…. get up, and keep going.
Yeah… that’s the ticket.
~~o~~
Ooop — my “screens off” alarm just chimed. And I’m actually going to LISTEN TO IT tonight.
Time to go read a book and get ready for bed, so that I can get to work bright and early.
Thanks for stopping by.
May your week be full of new creations, and “old” creations….blooming.
Go easy ~p
Posted on September 7, 2014 by pam
Hey Gang
Yup – I survived the 3day Novel Contest yet again – HOORAH! I shall write about the weekend soon, but first… I’m back with the continuing saga of my trip through The Artist’s Way.
Week 6 is about…. what kind of God we WISH we believed in and what kind of God we actually worship, our ideas around Luxury, and… MONEY – what beliefs we hold around it and how we actually spend it.
This was an interesting week for me. Y’all know that I’ve recently accepted the fact that I’ve been wearing the crown of the Queen of Scarcity for some years now, and that I would very much like to relinquish this particular crown ASAP.
The crown is still here, but i do think the fact that I SEE it now means something.
Baby steps, my people. Little tiny baby steps.
Let’s leap in.
~~o~~
I’d say that the 3 Day Novel Contest was this “week’s” extended Artist Date.
And the time spent “recovering” as well. I did need time to recover and it included reading and resting and watching some movies with the Raggedy Man.
Synchronicity:

Hmm…. so many instances in the writing of the 3day novel…things that fell out of me in the writing and then fell together throughout the piece that emerged. One of my favourite things about writing is that the… metaphors or symbols or whatzits… seem to slip themselves in without my conscious knowledge, to be discovered and played with during the rewrites.
In the real world I found it telling in a lovely, if silly way, that as I finished the writing and was placing the printed pages of the novella I built over the weekend in order – the compass necklace I had worn around my neck all weekend broke and spilled black beads all down my boobage.
A few minutes later, I went outside — heading for the “back house” and… fell off the bottom step of our back deck. It is a very low step. I fell straight down, like a tree going, “TiMBER!” I wasn’t hurt at all. I think I was so exhausted as to be entirely relaxed and boneless. The two glasses of wine I’d drunk probably added to the bonelessness (and perhaps to the fall itself). I found myself lying in the mud, giggling.
So… I finished the contest. I created a brand new Tale — guided only by the pulling of runes and listening to what the Creator wanted me to write and then…
I lost my compass…No… it isn’t lost. It just… fell apart and is in need of rebuilding.
and I fell flat on my face but was not hurt…
Isn’t that COOL?
I think so.
~~o~~
I gathered lovely stones and leaves from my daily walks. To reinforce the reality of the abundance of beauty that surrounds us here.
I did the Money Madness Exercise – very insightful. I’m really enjoying the questions Julia asks and answering them as fast and honestly as I can and seeing what falls out. Like the fact that
Being broke tells me... that I can survive anyhow and that I can find beauty in the surviving.
It’s true, but I’d never really acknowledged it. When I saw that the 20th prompt to finish was “Being broke tells me…” I sort of assumed I would write something like… “I’m a total failure!” But by the time I got to it…. this is what fell out.
Fantastic. Right?
There’s a song called “Money” that I love — written by Crooked Creek’s Donny Millikin (on the Lucky Stone CD). It’s become a bit of a theme song for me and the Raggedy Man. I have searched and searched, but I can’t find a copy of it online. I wish I could share it with you. It’s lovely and just a lil bit heart-breaking. He sings about how “There’s never enough, but we always make do…” Make do, get through. Yup.
I also meant to do the Counting Exercise but didn’t. I actually didn’t spend much money this week. Let’s see if I can trace it right now….
That’s where this week’s money went.
So it goes.
~~o~~
Many of us equate difficulty with virtue—and art with fooling around….. On the one hand, we give lip service to the notion that God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. On the other, we secretly think that God wants us to be broke if we are going to be so decadent as to want to be artists.
Boom! Got me.
Making art begins with making hay while the sun shines. It begins with getting into the now and enjoying your day.
Hmm… yes. Of course I believe this. But I also believe that I must work work work…work ever harder and longer hours and that it must be HARD WORK in order for it to be GOOD WORK. And yet…
I also believe that if I was… one of the Truly Talented that this amazingly good work would simply flow from my fingertips and that the working would leave me… energized as opposed to drained and exhausted.
I’m complicated that way.
And then there is this….
What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do. When we do what we are meant to do, money comes to us, doors open for us, we feel useful and the work we do feels like play to us.
I read this over and over and over…. I see that I desire… more money. There has been money. There IS money. There is enough money — even though I still do not feel… safe… still do not trust that … things will show up as needed. Money will show up as needed. I need to stop fretting about it and do the work and keep open to opportunities to earn some cash. That is all.
OK BUT….
This working on Sanctuary (my novel in progress). It doesn’t feel like play. It feels like… a duty, a weight, a thing I must get through to reach the other side. It feels like lessons learned each and every day. It feels like WORK. Hard SLOW work that has been going on for the longest time.
I do know that the days I feel… best…most useful in the world are the days that I get a good shift of work in on the revisions of the book. Yes. This is true.
But it still feels… hard.
And then I read this and think it is all supposed to be some kind of laugh riot or something.
Harumph.
She goes on to say….
[Lack of money] is never an authentic block. The actual block is our feeling of constriction, our sense of powerlessness. Art requires us to empower ourselves with choice. At the most basic level, this means choosing to do self-care.
Man o man. I have so much to learn about this self-care, self-compassion stuff. Truly.
In order to thrive as artists—and, one could argue, as people—we need to be available to the Universal Flow (my caps). When we put a stopper on our capacity for joy by anorectically declining the small gifts of life, we turn aside the larger gifts as well. Those of us… who are engaged in long creative works will find ourselves leaching our souls to find images, returning to past work, to tricks, practicing our craft more than enlarging our art.
Oooh boy. I quote this entire passage as a lead in to that last sentence. Because lordy lordy lordy that is the place I feel I am at right now with Sanctuary.
That I am practicing my craft… but … see… I also see my work on Sanctuary as a way to enlarge my art. This novel is so different for me from… anything I have tackled before.
The fact that it is a big sprawling story told from multiple viewpoints is a huge challenge for me and it takes CRAFT and… yes… I pray also for ART along the way. And I fret sometimes that the very fierceness with which I am going at this story is… draining it of magic. I pray not. But I fear it.
Some days, I am still astounded by new discoveries, but many days… I feel like I am simply… down in the trenches trying to hammer out a decent sentence. Trying, always, to tell it clear and clean and true.
This is the only way I know how to write. How to keep moving forward. I must finish the telling of this tale. I must do it as best I can, and I must do all I can to see it safely out into the world. Then, I will be free to move on. To whatever is next.
I want to draw special attention to the next few quotes from the book – they are so fricken important….
What gives us true joy?
I think we should all really think about this one. Carry it around for a while. It might just change our lives.
Such simple things come to mind…
Things that I somehow begin to see as luxuries… but they really aren’t insanely expensive. And the joy is… huge.
As are these two truths…
Creative living requires the luxury of time.
…
Creative living requires the luxury of a space for ourselves.
Yes.
This I have learned. Well and truly, once and for all.
Thank Goddess for that, at least.
~~o~~
The thing that sticks for me from this week is… that I’ve much to learn about abundance, but that the work I am doing on … being in the NOW, staying present and seeing the world as is truly is and not as i would like it to be… is helping me open my eyes to the abundance around me.
I have so many blessings. Especially the time and space to do this work. To finish this book and to do all these other things I am doing along with it.
Again, I have to say… fantastic.
~~o~~
On we go to week 7 – Recovering a Sense of Connection.
Wishing you… beauty abundant this week. And time to enjoy it.
Go easy ~p
Posted on August 29, 2014 by pam
Yup.
It’s time.
Almost.
The Labour Day weekend is upon us which, in my world means – its time to hunker down and take another whack at creating a novel in 72 hours. OK – a novella. I’ve learned, over the years, that I can only manage about 100 pages during the 3 days of the contest.
This is year six (6) for me. You can read about my past adventures over HERE. And about WHY I do the contest each year over HERE.
I’m nervous. I’m always nervous on the Friday before the contest.
In fact I’m nervous the entire week leading up to the contest. Which is probably why I usually FILL this week with mad outlining and timelining and such. It takes a different form each year – this nervous work. I can’t begin actual work on the story, so I work… around it. Mostly by tracing my character’s journeys (or what I THINK their journey could be) through whatever tale we are visioning together.
In 2012, I almost went MAD because the character who came to me for the contest wouldn’t LET ME outline. She wouldn’t give me a sniff of where the story was headed at all. But at least I had HER.
This year… (insert the sound of crickets and a lone tumble weed rolling…rolling)
Well this year I have decided to tackle/allow something that I have been dreaming about for the last few twirls of the 3DNC.
I keep wondering… what if… what if I just came to the page as I come to the page every other day.
This is a horrifying thought, of course.
Because, if you’ve spent any time here at all you know – I WRITE INCREDIBLY SLOWly and huge chunks of my time are spent on rewrites. HUGE I tell you! So…. how the HELL can I just… show up at midnight, light a candle, welcome my muse (AKA my co-Creatrix) and… see what happens?
It is SURELY mad. But for a few years I have been contemplating this approach.
I almost made it in 2012, but then… once I got rolling, I somehow chickened out and turned it all into a mad Road Trip/Chick Romp with a bunch of characters from other stories I have written. Which was cool, and I should probably revisit Finnegan Begin Again and see what is actually there… but….
Imagine if I could hold off the panic long enough to just…. LISTEN.
I think about this.
And I think…. what if I, gulp, didn’t worry so much about…. “writing a fascinating, funny, caper that will capture the judges attention and keep them riveted and awed by my sheer plotting genius!
And I drift off into….
Imagine if some wonderful, poetic, story that I have never even DREAMED of, swam it’s way out of the story ocean and landed bam-smack on my page. Imagine.
And then… I give my head a good shake.
Because… I feel for the judges.
I mean… imagine what gobble-dee-gook I would produce if I actually tried this method. What rambling-bambling nonsense. What self-indulgent drivel. What UTTER CRAP!
Yeah.
But…
what if…. (insert dreamy music and a cloudy sky PARTING to reveal a blaze of light)
Right?
I mean, here I am winding my way through The Artist’s Way and it is all about inviting the Creator into our WORK and trusting that if we show up, the words will come and that the story the Creator wants to tell through us will …. flow out. And… Here I am … feeling the truth of so much of what TAW talks about. Except…
Except maybe THAT PART – because it is still hard for me to wrap my head around the whole idea of … playing with God in this way. Even if I call her by some other name like the Great Creatrix. Or even Ela.
See there’s at least two problems with this.
This is true AND it is also truly bullshit.
Because I know danged well that the truly juicy, truly moving, truly TRUE stuff doesn’t come from me. It comes through me. It comes when I am in the flow. When I show up every day and do my bit and manage to LET IT IN. Yes I have to work hard but that working hard is basically… showing up every day. Getting my arse into the chair and putting in my time and then… then… the blessings come. The flow comes and I am there to receive it.
And as for God being too busy to play with me – well, that’s a rather… limited… view of GOD/GODDESS/The Funky FORCE/ELA isn’t it?
But…. OK…. C’mon…. what am I talking about here?
Am I talking about highing off to the Writing Burrow and casting a circle and declaring this weekend Sacred Creation Time?
Yes. Though I’m not sure “highing off” is the right phrase.
That is EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about…. a vision quest of sorts, I suppose.
A time to retreat and listen and dream and see what it is that Spirit wants to say to me (and through me).
Like I said, this is my sixth turn round the pole for this contest. I already “remove myself from the world” for the three days. And I am, each year, seeking a vision (of sorts). But I hold tight tight tight to the reins. With my outlines and timelines and with this silly idea that I am the sole creator of this tale.
What if I just… sat there and waited to see what would come – without all that.
And what if I wrote it… more like I write these blog posts. Sorta… strange. Sorta intimate. Like I am talking just to YOU? Or what if I let my wild woman poet out for the night? What would SHE come up with?
Seriously, Pam. Why not?
What’s the worst thing that could happen?
There it is.
That is the horror of this idea.
And… so what if it DOES? I don’t have to send it anywhere. I don’t have to torture the judges with it if what emerges is entirely personal.
And if I don’t have “something to submit” at the end of the contest…. will that be some huge FAILURE?
I suppose it will be – on one level.
But on a deeper level – is there really any way to fail?
The woman who sits watching, listening,
eyes moving in the darkness
is rehearsing in her body, hearing-out in her blood
a score touched off in her perhaps
by some words, a few chords, from the stage,
a tale only she can tell.
~ Adrienne Rich (Transcendental Etudes)
So it goes.
And so it will go this year.
As I type this, there are less than 10 hours to “go time.”
I’ll let you know how it all works out.
~~o~~
Sending wishes for a fantastic weekend winging out to those of you participating in the contest.
Sending a super big super proud super extra lovey wave of support to YOU – yeah – you (stop ducking behind that post.) Thank you for joining me in this mad adventure for the first time this year. You are so gonna ROCK it!
And to the rest of you, as well. Happy trails, my friends. I’ll see ya after the dust settles.
Thanks for stopping by.
And now… for something entirely HOLY and HOT…. my newest music crush – Eivor.
May she carry us off into a trance of creativity.
Go easy (unless the bastids make you go hard!) ~p
Posted on August 25, 2014 by pam
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and living by the moon. Much thanks to HAVI over at the Fluent Self for inspiration and to APRIL at Big Sky Astrology for her monthly Working with the Moon booklets. This is Shake and Bake #81 and because it is a New Moon post – it is more about intention than the shaking and the baking.
~~o~~ New Moon (in Virgo) ~~o~~
I hereby dub this moon…. Leaf Turning Moon.

Sorry Darlings….It is sad, but true.
I returned to my regular walks down the lane yesterday, and though the leaves aren’t turning QUICKLY…. I did find some lovely orange leaves scattered along the road.
And today – an entire bush had turned RED overnight.
The view across the river is still green green green. But my moon’s end (Sept 23), I envision a riot of colour.
I apologize for having fallen far far “behind” on my moony postings. August’s Berry Ripe Moon phases came and went without much comment from me.
I was watching, though.
I swam in the river under the light of the full moon – with the Wild Women from across the Bay. There was a sauna and a swim and good talking late into the night. And, perhaps best of all, there was Birthday Cake for breakfast. My first ever “sleep over” on the Bay.
I was on the road when the Berry Ripe Moon hit her last quarter. Heading back from a wonderful adventure in Quebec. Good walks, good talks, good friends…and books and books and books brought back.
And now…. home…. and back online… with the feeling that I am terribly “behind” in LIFE – and yet a smile as big as the all out doors for the joy of friendships and time spent in “the Real World”
Let us chicken…
~~o~~
~~o~~
This is the last week of “Tossing our Expectations into the Sea.”
Because Sea Change works on the solar calendar, we’ve fallen all “out of sync” with the moons. But hey…. I can play any way I want, and I like my loony lunar way of working so…. instead of “Week ONE, Week TWO ect…. let me rename the weeks to match up with the moon phases and…. continue on my merry way.
I shan’t confuse us all with revamping the entire system here – let us just… begin where we are.
May I see people, the world and mySelf as we are, not as I wish us to be.
I think that is one DAMNED FINE New Moon intention. Don’t you?
~~o~~
Good to be back in the saddle again.
Thanks for popping by.
Go easy ~p
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEJWoGUxnxQ
This website and its content are protected by Canadian copyright law.
Unless otherwise indicated, all blog content (except comments by others) Copyright Pam Bustin.
Educators need not purchase a license for use, if already covered by an Access Copyright permission.
A post-dramatic approach to breast cancer treatment - by a recovering drama queen
Because there's never enough time to do it right the first time but there's always enough time to do it over
Stories and photos from Scotland
Historical fiction, poetry, essays
A post-dramatic approach to breast cancer treatment - by a recovering drama queen
Because there's never enough time to do it right the first time but there's always enough time to do it over
Stories and photos from Scotland
Historical fiction, poetry, essays