Pam Bustin
creator, editor, story tender
21 Monkeys – Day FIVE: Turn off the tap…no weeping unceasing necessary (today anyhow)
And… the monkey’s back. Thank goodness… it was getting pretty serious over here.
I jest.
In our fifth meditation, we continued to contemplate and explore Self Awareness and Self Love.
The wee niblet I keep turning over in my mind today is:
“Despite what you may have been conditioned to believe, there is nothing that you have to do or achieve to be worthy of love. Your true self is pure love and you are already infinitely precious exactly as you are. This awareness of who you really are connects you to your true self-esteem. This esteem is solid and unwavering. Your soul loves you unconditionally. The approval rating of your ego, in contrast, is fickle and forever shifting. Your ego may approve of your performance one day and then the next day judge you as inadequate or lacking. As we shift from identifying with our ego’s insecurities and fears, we open to the gifts of the soul. It all begins with self-awareness. Each day as we spend time in the inner quiet of meditation, our awareness will expand and awaken us to love.”
It is this idea that our Soul already loves us unconditionally and that it is our Ego that has the ever shifting approval rating. This sits me back on my heels – again.
Can it be then that… I don’t have to “WORK” on accepting my Self just as I am?
See – from over here, this accepting thing looks like a big huge job. Something I need to… dig into… think about… WORK on. So… I thought about it for a while and realized a few things….
I have this horrid fear that if I ever managed to accept myself just as I am that I would… I dunno… become some lazy blob-thing and never strive to learn and grow anymore. Silly, I know, but that’s the way Monkey works.
I am also afraid that even thinking about this stuff will unleash a wave of weeping unceasing and release centuries of pain from my body. Seriously…. Centuries. Of. Pain.
So… there’s that.
And then I continue to turn this wee niblet over and over and over and I see that the hitch seems to be that I don’t believe I have ever really felt this Soul Love they speak of. I have tried to … work with the Ego and get that approval rating up. But if I understand what they are saying… in truth – my soul already sees myself truly and loves myself unconditionally so again… no WORK for me to do. No big rush of pain. No weeping unceasing. It could just… be happening all ready. It could have already happened. It could be… just a fact. Done like dinner.
And all I need to do then is…relax into it.
Hmmm.
What do you think?
go easy ~p
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Pam Bustin 