Pam Bustin
creator, editor, story tender
Shake and Bake 55 – The HeartBreak Edition
A week of… coming to terms…
Still struggling with the COLD/FLU/DEATHBUG from hell, but I have hope. My energy seems to be returning, and I actually managed to SWYM yesterday…though the Writing Hours are still…. sorely lacking.
And, then comes the huge heart-crushing sadness of having to plan a farewell to our well beloved fourlegged compadre, Robbie. She has been a wonderful friend to us all. Oh we will miss her so.
I have no words right now. There is much weeping. My sweet Raggedy Man is outside, as I write this. He is digging a grave as the snow swirls around him. I will go and join him soon.
Much thanks to friends who have called or written to offer comfort.
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot
We will have the weekend together, and say our final farewells on Tuesday.
It aches to type this.
oof.
And the rest of the week? Right. The world keeps moving…doesn’t it? Today we move into the Last Quarter of the Hunter’s Moon.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:7/8
- Walk: 3/8
- Yoga:1/8
- Meditation: 3/8
…and…
- Writing Hours: 2/8 It feels like a big ZERO to tell the truth. I did sit for two sessions but I just seemed to … wander aimlessly… seeking seeking seeking something. Notes. Bibs and bobs. All to no real… END. Harumph.
So… yes… energy returns. Slow and steady.
THE GNARBLE:
- The sadness and pain of letting go of a loved one.
- Worry and yet more sadness watching others in pain over the loss.
- Fear and worry about something I declare Silent Retreat on. (Meaning I don’t wanna talk about it.)
- Discomfort over something being pushed to the side that I very much needed to … deal with… and now I fear that it might… fester.
- A sadness at noticing how very very much I am still ruled by fear. How easily I assume a defensive position and how hard it is for me to get… beyond this defensiveness. It makes me feel like a very… small… person. The glass slams down and I am safe inside but… there is the other person on the other side of that glass and I can no longer reach out to them. I might as well be on the moon as standing in front of them.
- And the dreads..the fears… that always come when the writing falls away… they are back, full force. For yes, indeed, I shall surely end up a baglady on the streets of some brutal city… I shall surely starve to death… I am surely a lazy-assed good for nothing waste of space…. AND SO ON. Blergh.
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- And in amidst the pain and sorrow… some wonderful heart filling news. I’ve been accepted to a 10 day Silent Retreat at the Ontario Vipassana Centre. I’m incredibly excited and nervous. The retreat will take place in December.
- And DOUBLE PLUS GOOD – I get to stop in on my way down to said retreat and see the sweet Lady K and her Consort. Oh glorious day – oh hooblip-hooblay! I am incredibly glad of this. I shall hold tight to this coming joy as I stumble through this coming week of hardness.
- My preparations for the coming turn of the wheel on Samhain have continued. I feel good about this. And I am so glad that I allowed myself enough time for the preparation. Slowing down is good.
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
Everyone has their own way through this and you cannot lift this from them. You can’t really … EASE their grief… no more than they can ease yours. All you can really do is be present with them and they with you. Remember that Pam.
Next Week’s INTENTIONs
To be gentle with everyone involved, including myself. To be strong for Robbie and to see her through to the very end. To her rest.
~~~~~
Get out a tissue….
go easy… yes. Please.
go easy ~p
In homage to Havi’s Friday Chickens over on the The Fluent Self — This is the place I review my week – in an attempt to track some things – like progress on my novel and… living intentionally. I shake out my week and lay it out. Let the hard burn off and the good sink in. Call it an experiment in paying attention.
Comments are cherished here. Discussion is adored. If you’d rather talk in private – drop me a line.
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Pam Bustin 