Walking My Way To Water : DETOUR…. For Isabel…





There is a creature knowing in us.
When one of our pack falters, we know.
Across miles
Across vast distances created by hard words
Through ancient woundings
We know, and we gather.


To say farewell
And to grieve.

~~o~~



I have no words.


I keep coming to The Scrib...but I cannot yet find my way in to the healing of the word river.


On Saturday, June 6, I fell down. I was so tired and I began to sob, the heaving sobs of no breath. I kept saying, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do."


Depression.
Yes.
But also grief.
Bone deep grief and a knowing I refused to accept and tried to bury under binge watching episodes of Lie To Me (and yes, seeing this today, makes me smile just a little).


A few hours later, I got a call from the Raggedy Man that my lovely Sister in Law, V, had arrived in town. Unannounced. She just got "a feeling" and knew she needed to come and see her mother.


On Sunday, Isabel began to feel "a twinge" in her ribs. A new pain, after months of days when she replied to my, "So, how are you feeling this morning?" With a sigh or a chuckle and the phrase, "No roaring hell."


On Monday, V and the Raggedy Man took her up to the clinic to see her doctor. She was admitted to hospital.


Isabel left us on Friday, June 12, at 5:10 PM
Her last word was, "Wow."


I don't know the history of where she first heard this song, but it was a favourite.  She liked to listen to it out on the screened-in porch, at camp.  It always made her smile.


This one's for you, Isabel.



Go easy ~p

13 Comments on “Walking My Way To Water : DETOUR…. For Isabel…

  1. Words fail me at times like this. What is needed are hugs, time together, acts of kindness. Words are diaphanous, flighty, their impact less than the breath of an infant. I shan’t try to salve your hurt with mere words.

    No. Tonight I sit here, looking at Isabel’s picture, and I grieve with you. The only good thing to come out of this is that The Raggedy Man, you, and his sister were able to be with Isabel in the end. All because of the strands of feelings you four shared. That rates a ‘wow’ in my book.

    Go easy, Pam.

    • Thanks Bill
      Now you’ve gone and made me tear up again.
      Good tears.
      Thank you ~p

  2. I can’t help but think how lucky Isabel was to have you in her life. And you her. This is a lovely tribute.

  3. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things a human being can face. Just know, you are not alone. We are with you in spirit and sending prayers for comfort and peace for you and your family.

  4. Pam, I haven’t written before now because I kept trying to think of something to say to help you in your grief. I know there is nothing. When Mom died,I felt helpless. She was my best friend and each and everyday, I realize more and more how I am an extension of her. I still hear her call to me at times in the stillness of the night or when I am deeply worried about someone or some thing. It is heartbreaking yet it is joyous and comforting. She will never leave me. I truly believe that… because I feel her with me all the time. She endured tremendous grief in her life yet through it all she was one of the most gracious souls that was ever created. As crazy as it may be to some, I still talk to her. Sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud… and always in my heart I hear her guiding me. Through the many difficulties I have had both physically and mentally, Momma has been there for me. She will always be there for me and even though others may never know it or believe it, she made me who I am and will continue to mold me. I will never stop missing her just as you will never stop missing Isabel and in that, there is enormous comfort. Comfort because you with Isabel and me with momma were blessed individuals to have them in our lives. And we are continually blessed each and everyday because they are and will always be part of us.
    Take the joy of knowing her and hang on tight.
    Love, Judith

  5. Dearest Pam,

    I haven’t written before now because I kept trying to think of something to say to help you with your grief. Unfortunately, I know there is nothing I can say that be adequate. Those words do not exist but I do share in your sorrow with my own version of what you are feeling. After Mom died,I felt helpless; totally without focus on even the most tiny of everyday things. She was my best friend and now – each and everyday, I realize more and more how I am an extension of her. I still hear her call to me at times in the stillness of the night or when I am deeply worried about someone or some thing. It is heartbreaking yet it is joyous and comforting. She will never leave me. I truly believe that… because I feel her with me all the time. She endured tremendous grief in her life yet through it all she was to me one of the most gracious souls that was ever created. As crazy as it may sound to some, I still talk to her. Sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud… and always in my heart and I hear her guiding me. Through the many difficulties I have had both physically and mentally, Momma has been there for me. She will always be there for me and even though others can never know it, she made me who I am and will continue to mold me. I will never stop missing her just as you will never stop missing Isabel and in that, as strange as it sounds, there is enormous comfort. Comfort because you with Isabel and me with momma are blessed individuals to have them in our lives and our hearts. And we are continually blessed each and everyday because they are and will always be part of us.

    The sharp edge of grief will temper as time passes. That is reality. But the joy of knowing her will stay with you. Take it and hang on tightly. She will do the same.

    Love, Judith

    • Oh Judith… Such wonderful words. Thank you. You do your Momma proud – every day.

      Xox~p

  6. Hi Pam – I am catching up on blog reading today and read this. XO to you. I hope the clouds are parting and the sun is shining through. And that Isabel: so beautiful even in her elderly years. It’s been a long time since I last saw her.

    • Ahhh Holly… Thanks for stopping by. It will be good to see you on the Bay this summer.

      I’ve just finished doing some editing work for a friend and now… I am about to head out in my kayak for a wee ride before deciding on what to make us for dinner.

      I’ve been “home” for a few days now, and I have picked up the phone at least 5 times to call Isabel and tell her about some wonderful thing I’ve seen down here at camp.

      I guess now I can just tell her — without the phone.

      hugs to you ~p

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