Pam Bustin
creator, editor, story tender
Shake and Bake 68: Let the Games Begin ~ Shifting back into WildMind
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). They used to be weekly – but this year they are happening in line with the moon. I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and now..living by the moon.
~~o~~ New CROW/RAVEN Moon ~~o~~
This moon is known as Moon of Winds (Celtic), Chaste Moon (Medieval England/Wiccan), Worm Moon (Algonquin), Fish Moon (Colonial America), Windy Moon (Cherokee), and Big Famine Moon (Choctaw). According to the Farmer’s Almanac: “the northern tribes knew this Moon as the Full Crow Moon, when the cawing of crows signaled the end of winter; or the Full Crust Moon, because the snow cover becomes crusted from thawing by day and freezing at night. The Full Sap Moon, marking the time of tapping maple trees, is another variation. To the settlers, it was also known as the Lenten Moon, and was considered to be the last full Moon of winter.”
Crow, Raven and Magpie are close cousins… I’ve a thing for all of them. And in light of a recent set of dreams and recent developments in Sanctuary – I’m going with … Raven Moon for this moonth. I was unsure of this decision until I typed it in. There are nuances … between the Corvid cousins… and I think Raven just took a step forward for me.
A few nights ago, I was inundated with Anxiety Dreams. The dreams where I can’t seem to do the thing I need to do. I’m working in a pub and I can’t get the beer to the table. I’m auditioning for a Big SOMEONE and I haven’t learned the piece at all at all. The main message is clear… “You are not up to the task!”
For a few days I was filled with fear. Letting the worries overwhelm me. Then I felt the presence of Raven.
Now… I feel like this (a fabulous photo by Ester Idelson). Like there is a Raven sitting on my head… with her claws digging into… my hat. Good thing I always wear a hat, eh?
I’ve decided to Trust that she is here for a reason.
Once I knew who it was sitting on my head – it made a wild kind of SENSE.
Raven brings us messages from the spirit world. She brings Magic. She’s a time and space shifter. She’s also been known to be quite the Trickster – so we must stay sharp. (you can find out more – here, here and here)
I’ve finished up the nitty-picky Left brain work on the timeline and structure of Sanctuary and now it’s time to head back in and play with words again. The balance is shifting back to WildMind… and that carries joys… and terrors… for me.
Joy because I will be WRITING and discovering and playing.
Terror because – truth be told I just want to FINISH this F^cker. (Pardonney my swear). And also because… I fear I am not up to the task of bringing to life this amazing story I can ALMOST see in my mind’s eye.
Blergh.
So. Here we are. Me and Raven. Heading in once again to this story. Bid us … well.
OK – on to New Moon Bizness.
~~o~~
Intentions for the New Moon
Θ (theta) earth – home – touch
- Step. Step. Step. I need to stay grounded amidst the WildMind work. It needs to bring the story forward. I need to get through – with clarity as well as magic.
- All the layers. All the journeys. Must come together.
- I must continue to get up off the floor when the whole thing feels a hopeless mess. That is all.
Φ (phi) air – relationships – scent
- There’s time to focus on ourselves and time to focus on others. I intend to … lend a hand… wherever and to whoever I can this moonth. I am often “other focused” – that isn’t really what I mean here. I just mean – keep my eyes open for that person who could use a hand. Or a nice cuppa coffee. That’s all.
Χ (chi) fire – work – vision
- I totally wish that I could set the intention to blast through this second draft and get it back into some kind of actual SHAPE by moon’s end. But I can’t even IMAGINE that. It feels…so huge… so much to be done….
- One bite at a time. right? One freaking bite-at-a-time.
- OK.
Ξ (ksi) water – health – taste
- This new moon is beginning in Pisces. Some say Pisces brings high creativity ~ of the type that feels almost… channeled in… I’d like some of that – please. I’ll get my butt to the chair and keep my feet firmly planted on the Earth – but I would love some magic FLOW as well. Doesn’t hurt to ask, right?
Ψ (psi) quintessence – spirit – hearing/listening
- My discussions with fellow meditators this past week have lead me to a renewed determination to get myself to the cushion for 2 sits each day.
- I know that this longing for a “schedule of doings” has its own issues. And that my putting meditation on a list of things I MUST DO every day is a bit… WONK… to say the least – but I really do want to give it a whirl. 2 hours per day – JUST for this month. I want to feel the resistance and … go sit anyway. Because… there is something to be found here.
- I shall review this intention (along with all the others) at each quarter and see how it is feeling.
~~o~~
And, with that… we bid farewell to February and wave March fondly onto the stage.
Here’s a lil Celtic Tune … to get your toe tapping.
The days are getting brighter. We are moving toward Spring and Ostara (March 21) is just around the corner. This cold WILL break. And this snow WILL melt. Honest.
Thanks for popping by.
Go easy ~p
RandomLand 2: Come find your “Daily Fortune” (and see Pam in a balaclava)
Hullo Sweeties…
It’s Friday time to hop aboard the RANDOM train with the folks playing Random 5 Fridays with A Rural Journal. 
Here’s some random goodies from my life this week.
~~o~~
1. I love “Quotes”
And I get one every day from Goodreads. This was today’s
“The most certain sign of wisdom is cheerfulness.” – Michel de Montaigne
I love this idea and… I totally think it is true. I believe that part of “wisdom” is realizing… we are so NOT in charge of most of what is happening… and we might as well enjoy the ride.
Here’s some random facts about Michel.
Renaissance writer Michel de Montaigne (born February 28, 1533) pioneered the personal essay.
He was also a SKEPTIC and speaking of QUOTES…
He is most famously known for his skeptical remark, “Que sçay-je?” which translates to….
“What do I know?” in Middle French; modern French Que sais-je?)
2. It is still fr@cking cold here.
I keep waking to hear that the temperature is -27C or colder. It was -34C this morning when I woke. That’s -29F for those of your working in Fahrenheit. And BLOODY COLD no matter how you measure it.
I shall not whine… I shall just provide this glorious picture of how we survive such tempts…. I am a fashion plate – no?
And… I know it could be “worse”…
According to this post over at Listverse
The coldest permanently inhabited places in the world are the towns of Oymyakon and Verkhoyansk in Siberia, which we’ve mentioned before. During winter, temperatures there average below minus fifty degrees Fahrenheit.
Yoik!
3. One of the ways I included the idea of the Sacred Random in a recent novella (still in progress)
Is with an online Fortune Cookie generator. You can find it over here if you’d like to pull a fortune.
I used a few other methods of Randomosity in that novella – stay tuned for more fun in the weeks to come.
4. Numbers
You can roast broccoli and it tastes amazing. I whipped up some brocolli, sweet potatoes, carrots and onions the other night for dinner and BoyZowee they tickled the ole tastebuds.
Next time I’m gonna try it with parmesan – like this.
5. Did you know…
That according to http://www.numerology.com ….
The shape of numbers reflect their nature, and just as the 4 is square and grounded, the 5 is a symbol of dynamic motion. The 4 is controlled, measured, synchronized, and static. The 5 is random energy, elastic and constantly in motion.
I dig that.
And… just for kicks I filled in the thingy to find my “number of the day” and got this…
Friday, February 28, 2014: You may feel a strong need for answers and knowledge. This could very well be a time of soul searching for you, and you might feel a bit lonely. Your head may be in the proverbial clouds, so exercise caution when dealing with mechanical items.
I shall heed it well.
~~o~~
Have a great weekend.
May the Sacred Random bring you much joy in the week to come. ~p
Vipassana: Musing on Pain and the Brain at a 10 day Retreat
I’ve been writing a sort of series about my experiences at my first Vipassana Retreat. You can start at the beginning if you like…
~~o~~
Monday Monday happy Monday to you all!
I’m back with a cup of tea and the Meditative Monkey to muse a while on my personal meditation practice. Today’s musings take us back to the … physical discomfort… I experienced at the retreat.
Physical discomfort… or what Goenka refers to as “solidified gross physical sensations” translated to WRACKiNG PHYSICAL PAIN for me. And I mean those capital letters. I was a fiery ball of pain from day 2 on I think. To tell the truth I probably should have written about this earlier, because the memory of pain fades with time. Thank GAWD.
To give you a sense of how I felt… I’ll dip back into a letter I wrote to Lady K shortly after the retreat:
It is so much physically harder to SIT than I had ever imagined. I was a fiery ball of pain by day 2. They do not tell you “how to sit” because… it is meant to be an entirely personal, totally experiential, experience and so… each of us needs to find the way we need to sit. (I figured this out as we went along – they don’t say anything about it except that each of us will have our own experience and that the strength of this technique of meditation is that it is entirely experiential). All they say is to keep your back and neck straight – that this will help “in the long run”.
By midway through Day 2, the only way I could sit and not DIE was to bend my knees up in front of me and to hug my legs with my arms. Sort of lock it in and HOLD.
On day three, at noon, I asked the assistant teacher if I could move to the wall. She said I could try it and to “feel free to move back and forth between the wall and my spot.”
For the rest of the retreat – I stuck to my spot at the rear of the hall. My back to the wall and my legs bent in front of me, with my arms folded and resting on my thighs. Sounds RATHER defensive – non? Heh heh. Makes sense, actually. For me.
On the few occasions I sat in my room, I managed to sit cross legged on Pippa (the purple meditation cushion Lady K bought for me) or kneeling. I tried it a few times in the hall and a few times in my “cell” (more on the CELL later). But mostly, in the hall, I sat in my defensive protected posture.
I still sit that way, sometimes. But I’ve found that I can hold my posture if I kneel with my butt resting on Pippa who nestles nicely between my ankles.
I don’t have super intense pain the way I did at the retreat. Probably because I only sit for a couple of hours each day. I imagine if/when I do another retreat – the pain will return.
I remember the pain. Pain in my hips, my knees, my back. Sometimes I would consciously sacrifice one part of the body for another. Give the hips a rest and let the pain come to the back… and so on.
We were all in pain.
There were cushions and blankets and mats galore. There were even back jacks. We all tried a bazillion combinations on days 2-3-4 looking for “the right way” to sit. The way that wouldn’t give us pain.
In the end… I went back to basics. My mat and pippa and the wall while I was in the meditation hall and just a mat and pippa when I was in the cell.
Now I use a blanket folded up into a mat to kneel on, with Pippa between my ankles. Unless I feel like I need my back to the wall. Then I do that. Once in a while I even sit cross-legged… but that ole hip gives me grief.
This brings me to an interesting thing… over the course of the retreat, there was talk in the evening sessions about how the body is always changing. That we really shouldn’t get into thinking about the pain in any wat that …labels it – “my old pain, my arthritis, my disease” or what not. That we should just give our attention to this pain. This pain in this body right now.
I began to have a sense that … each time I Sat… I was sitting with a different body. I would take a moment and think “How does this body want to Sit?” even if I had just taken a short break to leave the hall and stretch and get a sip of water. There was a very strong sense of “beginning again with this body.” Fascinating, no?
This odd feeling continues.
But… I am veering off topic. To return to my main line of musing… I am quite sure that this horrific pain I was in served as the window to … quieting the chattering monkey mind.
I hunkered down within myself – determined to … find my way through the pain. To get to that place where I really really knew that this horrific pain would indeed… pass. That the very nature of this pain and of all sensation is to … rise-intensify-and then fade away. I became so focused on moving my awareness over/through/past the pain – that my mind chatter sort of just faded away.
I didn’t notice it for a long while – as I was still sort of talking to myself. Saying things like… “OK – imagine that you were being tortured to give up … the location that the Raggedy Man and all your friends were hiding. Imagine that. Would you break? Would you?” And the pain would grin and say, “Everybody breaks.” But this crazy dialogue would help me.
Then I moved on to “OK – one more pass. One more pass and you can MOVE. You can shift. Or you can get up and walk right out of here.”
I still use that one.
I am not yet at the point where I truly “know” that this body is not really ME. I sort of believe that. I sort of believe that there is something beyond this Body and even beyond this chattering Mind. Something… else…. that is ME.
I can watch my body and my mind. This is clear to me.
So then… who is the watcher?
That’s a mighty big question.
Shake and Bake 67: Clear Sailing?
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). They used to be weekly – but this year they are happening in line with the moon. I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and now..living by the moon.
Last Quarter – Pike Moon
Time to…
- Pause and take a look back at our progress this moonth. See how it lined up with our Intentions for this moon and whether we need to make any adjustments.
- Think on what we would like to wrap up before the dark moon.
- Begin to turn our thoughts to possible intentions for the coming new moon cycle (March 1st).
I find myself focusing on my progress on the novel again today as I think about my “progress.”
I am flying solo for a few weeks now, as The Raggedy Man is off on a sailing adventure in the Virgins Islands (LUCKY buggah). And I’m really feeling a desire to HUNKER DOWN and work.
That said… let’s get at ‘er so I can get back to work.
~~o~~
Reviewing Intentions
Θ (theta) earth – home – touch
- The grounding/structural work on Sanctuary continues. I am still working with LogicMind in Aeon Timeline with flashes of light and insight from WildMind to illuminate my way through the story.
Φ (phi) air – relationships – scent
- The last few days, I have been tracing the journeys of a few “seemingly minor” characters through the book. Looking at their relationships to the “main” characters and the main storyline as well as… an emerging storyline. It’s fascinating.
- It is as though the Mundane (as in “of this earthly world as opposed to a heavenly/spiritual/magical world) storyline really is mostly in place but the thing that was driving me to despair is that there is something else trying to break through… the Small Magics of the deeper tale…
- These strange bits have been there since the beginning – but I thought they were just… WildMind ramblings that had naught to to do with Izzy’s story.
- Well… my subconscious once again proves to bring up the juiciest bits – despite my silly limiting ideas of what I THINK I am trying to say. Heh heh.
- This may sound confusing. Sorry. It’s hard to explain. Just know that it is a good good thing. I think.
Χ (chi) fire – work – vision
- The flashes from WildMind continue to light my way. I work with the Logic… patiently tracing the lines and then I get up to get a cup of tea, or I’m walking the dog and … suddenly I see it. I run back to the scribble book to capture the insight.
- This is very good. Very very good.
Ξ (ksi) water – health – taste
- I can feel the drop in the flow of energy since the full moon. I feel it in the body and in my psyche. But I continue to work. This is key… the continuing.
Ψ (psi) quintessence – spirit – hearing/listening
- My morning Sits continue to carry me through.
- I am still struggling to get to the cushion in the evening.
- I can’t decide whether I should KEEP ON TRYING each day to go and Sit in the evening… or if I should just… be happy with an hour in the morning.
Any thoughts on this from fellow meditators?
I’d love to hear how often you sit, for how long and what technique works best for you.
~~o~~
Things to Wrap Up before the DARK moon
I would love love LOVE to finish up with this timeline work by Friday and be heading into “real” revision work by the new moon.
I know this is “real” work too – but I can now see a heap of new scenes that need writing and I’m itching to get at them.
If a scene lands in my lap – I will totally take the time to write it. But, overall, I plan to stick with what I am doing with the timeline/journeys/relationships and see it through to the end. I am finding so much… I think it is worth it… even if it feels like “drudge work” some days.
I’ll let you know how it turns out.
~~o~~
I’ve an urge to play Drift Away again for you… but let us embrace the Random instead.
Tom Russell’s fabulous song for Edith Piaf is playing right now on my Folk Roots station….It’s called Chocolate Cigarettes and it just might crack yer heart open.
I send it from me… and the Raggedy One…
Enjoy.
Thanks for popping by.
No regrets…
Go easy ~p
RandomLand 1: Because… NUMBER5
Hey there Sweeties…
It’s Friday and I’ve decided to embrace some new RANDOM fun by hopping aboard Random 5 Friday over at A Rural Journal.
Because…
- A. the picture above is so darned cute I simply HAD to play and…
- B. I’m working towards noticing and celebrating what one of my characters calls the Sacred Random when it shows up in my life and…
- C. FIVES are also incredibly important to some characters I am playing with … and to me these days – Five elements, Five senses… five five five five five. This is the year of FIVE.
The idea is to post 5 random facts about… pretty much anything…. and then to share the link over on the Rural Journal site. Tis fun, n’est pas? Here goes…
~~o~~
1. Gigglefest confession
I cannot say “A Rural Journal” without bringing to mind Tina Fey and the hilarious episode of 30 Rock where Jenna is in a movie whose title no one can understand…. Can you name the movie? anyone? anyone?
2. Look what I won!
Just found out this morning that I am the proud winner of a fabulous pendant featuring one of my all time sHeroines – the rootenest-tootenest sharp-shootenest gal of the west – Annie Oakley! Born Phoebe Ann Moses (or Mosey) in Darke County Ohio, it’s been said that Annie could shoot the head off a running quail when she was twelve years old. My kinda gal!
- Annie Oakley Pendant – by Tanya over at http://beadandneedle.blogspot.ca
Much thanks to Tanya for the fabulous give-away and to Vicki over at 2 Bags Full for hosting the 2014 Grow Your Blog party which is how I met Vicki and entered to WIN.
3. Rising Early actually feels pretty good.
Lately I have been rising at 5am.
My body underwent a crazy shift a few years back from night-owl to strangely wakeful morning woman.
I’m still learning to embrace the change and enjoy the sunrise from THIS side.
It helps with the “getting things done” too.
4. Numbers
I apparently have a deep seated NEED to NUMBER things. I number the Shake n Bakes, and now I number this post…. in the hopes, no doubt, that by NUMBERING them I will feel a wee push to… keep on doing it weekly.
Ah the games I play with mySelf.
5. Did you know…
FIVE is the holy number of Discordianism, as dictated by the Law of Fives.
Is this a “real” religion? Dunno, man – but it sure tickles my RANDOMbone.
~~o~~
There you have it – our first official visit to RandomLand. May there be many adventures to follow.
Have a great weekend ~p
Vipassana Baby-steps – Valuing the Experiential and Keeping an Open Mind
Hullo Gang.
Bit late with this week’s musing on meditation. Sorry – I took a holiday yesterday.
Here we go with Part Four of my thoughts/feelings about my recent adventures at a 10-day Vipassana Retreat. The series starts with What is is, Why I went, What you DO.
~~o~~
One thing I quite enjoy about this particular form of vipassana that I am practicing is that – for now – for ME – it is an entirely experiential technique. I am sorely tempted, of course, to run off and find all I can to READ about the philosophy and beliefs BEHIND vipassana as taught by Goenka. About Goenka and the Vipassana Centres and about Buddhism in general. But I am purposefully focusing myself on the practice of Sitting and feeling for myself the effects of this Sitting without TOO much input from others. For now, I am content to explore this practice for myself. In this body.
That said, I also feel the need to talk with you about a few things that … I THINK about as well. There were things Goenka said in the discourses each evening that… will need further exploration. Things that… I have doubts or concerns about. I want to talk about them, in case you are reading these posts and decide to attend a retreat and find yourself sitting there going “OH MY GAWD IS THIS SOME CRAZY CULT??!!! What the hell has Pam encouraged me to explore here?”
I totally do NOT think that this is a cult. But there are things that sent my Cult radar a-tingle. There is the isolation factor. The, to some, “strange food”. The intense schedule. The chanting. The repetition of things. The watching of some old guy on a video talking to you each night being the only real “INPUT” each day. The seeking of enlightenment. The idea that this form of meditation has been saved in a “pure form” and passed down through a line of teachers.
Scared yet? I was. Not enough to run away – but I must confess that these things DID and still DO make me think.
Goenka goes on quite a bit in the discourses about how vipassana is a technique and is NOT a sect. That it is a technique that is available and useful to all. But… the things he spoke of often sounded like… “A Religion” to me. And referring to this practice as a “way of living” doesn’t actually mean it isn’t also a… sect… or religion.
Goenka came from a strongly Hindu background. When he first discovered vipassana – he was resistant because he saw it as a Buddhist practice (here’s a quick peek at some differences between the two http://www.diffen.com/difference/Buddhism_vs_Hinduism). He firmly believes that one can practice vipassana without… abandoning ones own “religion” whatever that may be. That is cool. But I still think that … the deeper one gets into this practice and into the world of retreats and so on… the more one might be drawn to Buddhism. I’m not saying this is good or bad. I’m just staying that all the protesting that it is NOT a sect… well… I’ll need to see how I feel about this as time goes on.
There is also something a bit… disturbing to me… about how Goenka keeps referring to this practice as something preserved in a Pure form. In fact, any mention of Purity puts me on guard. It’s one of my quirks.
I enjoy and appreciate the… simplicity… of this practice. It isn’t SIMPLE to do – but the instructions are simple and clear and BASIC. I like that sort of… purity… but talk of Purity with a capital P always gives me the heebie-jeebies. Any talk of “this is the REAL way” makes me nervous. And there IS a bit of that in the discourses – no matter how many times he says he doesn’t mean to put down or diminish other practices.
So… there’s that.
I guess the thing I hold to, and the reason I’m giving this Goenka guy a chance, is that he also kept saying that the only way to find out if vipassana is our way forward is … to do the practice. Not to go and study words and so on but to DO IT. Not to “believe” everything HE says, but… To Sit. Every day. For like… a YEAR. And then to examine ourselves and our lives and see if practicing vipassana changes anything for us. That is what I plan to do.
Though I may read a BIT on the side. Can’t help myself. Like this rather fascinating article by Sara Breikrutz. And this one on Vipassana – The Essence Of The Teachings from Buddhanet. And “One Tool Among Many: The Place of Vipassana in Buddhist Practice“, by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Oh yes – there is plenty to read. I come across articles and bookmark them. I find books and put them on the “to read” list.
I read a bit, but I feel that the most important thing for me to do right now is to continue to Sit – following a strong intention to establish this as a daily practice.
There is something in the physical practice of vipassana that calls to me. Something in the discipline of Sitting every day … soothes me… and leads me to believe that I will benefit from it.
Do I seek enlightenment? Sure. Though I think it could be a long path traveled this way. What the hell, I’ve got time.
I grin as I type this. I think about … Eckhart Tolle and how he sort of… came to… one day. Suddenly … aware. I honestly think THAT can happen as well. I think about a book I read last year called My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor wherein, in the absence of her left brain’s neural circuitry Taylor’s consciousness shifted into present moment thinking and she experienced herself at one with the universe.
This experience is what I seek. A thing I KNOW but a thing that hasn’t truly… landed for me in my reality. And I think that this practice will take me there. I’m also thinking that the journey itself will be interesting as well. That I will meet some great people along the way and learn a heap of new things all along the path.
One of the things that I observed about myself during the retreat is that I work really hard. As I sat in the meditation hall, hour after hour, I felt myself WORKING SO HARD. I kept tensing up and causing myself extra, unnecessary, pain – pressing down on my legs for instance or holding my muscles in odd positions. I also noticed that I was moving my eyes as I passed my attention over and through my body parts. I knew that I didn’t need to move my eyes – but I couldn’t stop. My eyes were exhausted. I gave myself headaches. I went to the teacher and spoke to her. She listened to me and nodded.
She said, “You are aware of me now, yes?”
“Yes.”
“And you do not need to…” she scrunched up her face and held her body tense.
I smiled and said, “No.”
She smiled back at me. “It is the same.”
She commended me on noticing the tension in my body and said to simply… release it… when I became aware of it. I began to do that and it helped ease some of the pain I was experiencing.
Later, I got to thinking that if I had been sitting in front of her without my glasses on – that I might well have squinted up at her – trying to bring her into focus. That this is what it felt like when I was Sitting – that I had to WORK to find that focus. Now, after a few months of practice, I no longer move my eyes as I move my attention. I find the over-all body tension has eased as well – though it can crop up now and then.
Now, I think that if I had gone back to the teacher and told her about this brilliant insight I had about not having glasses on she might have said, “Does it help you squint and squish up your eyes like that when you can’t see me?”
I would have said, “Well. Yes. I believe it does.”
But now, I’m not so sure. Now, I think it might be better to relax my eyes and listen. That by doing that I might see even more clearly. Not with my weak eyes – but with my heart.
Something to think on.
Ha.
Happy day, my lovelies.
go easy ~p
~~o~~
Shake and Bake 66 – Leaping under the Full Pike Moon
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). They used to be weekly – but this year they are happening in line with the moon. I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and now..living by the moon.
Full Pike Moon – A time of rising/cresting energies. The surge of power like a fish… jumping.
I’m glad to report that it has been a good good quarter for me. The work is flowing and getting out to have fun on the ice has made winter a Joy instead of a Slog. This is outstanding, as I often get the February BLAHS along with millions of others.
Much gratitude to Sister Pike for getting me out into the cold and teaching me this.
And to Diana, Goddess of the FisHunt, for introducing me to the joys of fishing.
I am so blessed with friendships – near and far.
Let’s Bake THAT in.
And let’s Shake out this quarter…
~~o~~
Reviewing Intentions
Θ (theta) earth – home – touch
- The intention to get grounded and head back to the very foundations of Sanctuary (my NIP) has proven incredibly fruitful. I’ve spent this week working on a new timeline (using Aeon Timeline and LOVING IT!). Plotting the events of the story, the multiple story arcs and character involvement in each scene has helped me step back and see the bigger picture. To hold the entire story in my wee brain. Invaluable.
Φ (phi) air – relationships – scent
- This step by step approach is clearing the way for me… I am seeing the patterns, the inter-relations, the connections and disconnects. May the clarity continue – and aid me in the weavings that will strengthen the storylines.
Χ (chi) fire – work – vision
- There is fire here… and right now I am feeding it small bits… knowing that I mustn’t smother the flickering flame.
Ξ (ksi) water – health – taste
- Flowing – feeling the flow of energy this moonth more than ever. The creative energy grows and crests – at its peak today with the Full Moon. The danger being that as it ebbs I may fall back into the pit of despond. Here’s hoping that this story raft is strong enough now to bear me up and keep me afloat.
Ψ (psi) quintessence – spirit – hearing/listening
- Meditation Sits have been so good this quarter. I’ve been rising early early and Sitting in the dark before dawn. Scribbling (and Tweeting) as the sun comes up.
- Also – a lovely new friendship is blossoming that is much connected to spirit and to explorations of the spirit. I grin and grin and grin with gratitude.
So… over-all… the intentions set at the New Moon seem to be working out. Huzzah!
~~o~~
Things to Release?
Just the usual suspects – Doubt and Fear.
Doubt with her sharp pointy fingers poking me in the night.
And Fear – cowering over there in the corner with her hand over her mouth.
I release them by sending them Love. I cannot Banish them. I won’t. These two are old old Friends of mine. They’ve served me well in times past (passed?). They’ve kept me “safe”. I will not banish them or send them out into the cold.
Instead, I say,
Come closer. The light of this story will warm you. No one will harm you here. Join me beside this small fire. Have a beverage. Let us sit together in peace.
~~o~~
And, with that… I go to prepare for a ride out onto the ice with my sweet Raggedy Man. We don’t really “celebrate” Valentines day – but we do have a sort of DATE DAY planned. A ride on the snow machine to gather things for his upcoming trip away (he will be two weeks gone and sorely missed). And then home to a nice dinner and a movie (or two).
Sending wishes for a lovely full moon time for you.
May you see Beauty all round and may your heart be filled with Gratitude.
Thanks for popping by.
And…here’s a lil something special for you – a video poem by on of my Soul Sisters – the fierce and lovely Lia Pas.
Happy Heart day, my lovelies.
Go easy ~p
Vipassana: Into the body – out of the mind
Happy Monday, my Lovelies.
I’m taking a stab at posting my musings on meditation each Monday – starting off with my adventures at a 10 day course at the Ontario Vipassana Centre. I’ve already “missed” one – but here I am to try try again. You can find my first post (What is is, Why I went, What you DO) here. And the second post (The Grace-filled Dance of Silence) over here.
Today I am ruminating on…The body. On how and possibly WHY this form of “body scanning” meditation works so well for me.
No use beating around the bush – so I’ll just lay it out there…
I’ve spent a lot of years out of touch with my body. As a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse – I developed the fabulously useful ability to leave the body in times of… trauma. It’s been a long, hard, and wonder-filled road for me to find my way back in.
I am also a fanatical lover of WORDs. This too may tie back in to the rough times in the way-back. Reading has always been… an escape and a solace to me. I am addicted to STORY in all of it’s forms. Books, plays, movies, television, a tale told by a friend or a stranger. I am seduced and lulled, awakened and … challenged… by the spoken and written word.
I was talking with my friend, Bear, recently and he spoke of our mutual addiction to story in such a clear and enlightening way that I’d like to share with you. He noted that it truly is an addiction and that we will feed it any way we can and that, like most addicts, we will always find the “easiest” route.
- If there is a television – we will watch it.
- If there is no tv – we will go to a movie
- If there are no movies – we will read a book
- and if we find ourselves BEREFT of all stories created by others… we will begin to write our own.
All through – weave the songs… story songs are best, of course. And yes… if there is no music – we will sing our own songs.
Bear is wise.
I’m telling you this because it hooks in with my meditation practice. I’ve used Mantras and they work for me as a form of focus. They can help me relax – rather quickly. But my recent discovery is… that they also limit the experience of meditation for me.
My mind grabs onto the Word and holds there. Often, my mind rides the Words to relaxation and then… begins to spin them back out into stories. Even if it doesn’t do that, I find myself simply… hanging on to the word…not feeling anything of what is happening with the body.
And… I want to feel the body.
I want to … still the spinning stories… and rest in the body.
And I want to feel what is actually THERE, not what I wish to be there. Meaning I don’t use my time on the meditation cushion to RELAX. I do relaxation exercises at other times – to help me sleep or just because it feels so darned good. But this meditation thing is … something different.
It is… an exploration. An exploration of the sensations on and in the body. This is enough to keep me occupied for a good long while.
As I pass my awareness over my body – head to toe and toe to head – moving through each and every tiny bit… I feel sensations… and I also have blank or “blind” spots. Places where I don’t feel any sensation at all. I linger there for a few minutes. I don’t “force” or create any sensation – I just … linger in awareness and then I move on.
Sometimes I hit a solid block of PAIN. I notice it. I might linger for a time and sort of… separate the pain a bit… is there heat? Is there throbbing? Is there a centre of most intense pain? How far does it really radiate? Does it shift? Then I move on to the next area of the body. Sometimes I tell the pain I’ll be back to see if it is still there on the next pass. Most often it is. Sometimes it isn’t. That’s the point – the sensations are always changing changing changing.
This is what I am learning at a very deep level in a seemingly simple way. Vipassana is a way to really come to understand the nature of… impermanence… at a core level. I can know things in my MIND and yet… not really… BELIEVE them and therefore not REALLY know them.
Again, I will use my past to illuminate what I mean. So… like I said… I’m a survivor of CSA. I went into therapy in my twenties and started dealing with my shit. Dealing with the things that happened to me as a kid because they were screwing me up as an adult. Before I actually went out and found a therapist… I did what I always do and I started to read… I read all the books I could get my hands on. I wrote about my journey in my play barefoot….
I was classic. The classic “nobody ever knew” girl. The grade A student, the class valedictorian, the smiling smiling girl who could take care of herself and anybody else who came along.
So.
I carried on.
I came away from it and I never had to go back. Well, unless my sister called. But then her and Mom got away too, finally, and so it was all over.
Except they kept calling me back. And my sweet little sister kept trying to kill herself.
It wasn’t over. And I wasn’t OK.
Oh, I was functioning. I worked; I went to school; hell – I even fell in love.
But I wasn’t OK.
So.
I started to read – ‘cause that’s what I do – I read – a lot.
I started reading stories written by “Survivors of sexual abuse”.
I read Kiss Daddy Goodnight, Our Little Secret, Recollecting our Lives, Conspiracy of Silence, The Obsidian Mirror. I read When Rabbit Howls.
I read Don’t.
I actually comforted myself with the knowledge that what had happened to me was no where NEAR as bad as that. I hadn’t shattered into a million pieces. I hadn’t even repressed anything. I remembered. It wasn’t that bad. I should just be able to get on with it. Shit happens to all of us. Whatever.
But my world was falling apart. It was time for me to deal. So. I read some more.
I read Safe Passage to Healing, Healing Hidden Memories, Safe at Last, Reach for the Rainbow, The Wounded Heart.
The Courage to Heal (holds it up to audience) A fourteen-step program to a full recovery. Fourteen – we get two extras, eh?
Well, they aren’t really steps, they’re more like….”stages on the healing journey” but… (Baptist preacher style – book raised.) A fourteen-step program to a full recovery! I can do that.
One. The decision to heal
Heal. From what? We aren’t sick – we’re sad. If any one is sick it’s them – isn’t it?
Maybe. But I can only deal with myself.
The play proceeds to walk through each step on the journey… It was a tough thing to write and a tough but amazingly rewarding piece to perform. I’m glad I did it.
But moving on to what I want to say here… I read… I found a therapist and I began talking about what happened to me. I began working my way through it… and … EARLY ON… really early on… I “knew” that what happened to me when I was a kid wasn’t my fault.
Of course it wasn’t. I was a kid. I knew that. I understood that.
But… even though I knew it in my head… I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT. My body didn’t believe it.
Believing that it REALLY WASN’T MY FAULT took YEARS and when it finally… broke through… oh my god. It was as though a dam burst and I thought I would cry forever.
I remember going to see Good Will Hunting with a fellow who was my boyfriend at the time. You know the scene were Robin Williams finally as the therapist finally breaks through the wall to Will… the “It’s not your fault” scene? That is one of the most powerful moments I had ever seen. I remember it so well. The movie is running and the fellow beside me knows SOME of my bizness… he knows I’m a survivor… and I can feel him squirming a bit… and he turns to look at me and say that the scene is lame and… I am a weeping silent sobbing heaving WRECK. And he is STUNNED. Because… see… some people don’t get it. They don’t get that we can KNOW something and yet… so NOT KNOW it.
I was exactly like Will. I would say, “I know… I know … I know…” and oh man… I just so didn’t know. I still thought it was my fault.
But I don’t any more.
That’s the power of body work.
And, I believe, that is why this method of meditation is working for me. It is based in the body teaching me something. And I don’t have to “figure it out” or “create a story” about these sensations of pain or pleasure – I just … notice them and most importantly – notice the fact that they all arise and pass away… that they are ever changing. As is life.
I can learn this. LEARN it. In the body.
There is much more to explore here… and don’t even get me started on the concept of… we are NOT the body…and so on…
But for now… this is enough. For me.
~~o~~
Well… this certainly went a different way than I thought it would when I sat down to write it. I knew I wanted to talk about the body… but I had no idea all this stuff about CSA would come up.
Goes to show…you never know what will pop out onto the page.
Since it did… I also have to add… My heart is aching for Dylan Farrow.
I don’t want to dive into the frothing waters surrounding her and her family right now… but I do want to say…
I believe you, Dylan.
And I send out the best song I know for us to dance to… together.
~May you be happy~
Go easy ~p
Shake and Bake 65: The FishWish Edition
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). They used to be weekly – but this year they are happening in line with the moon. I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake of the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and now..living by the moon.
~~o~~ PIKE Moon – 1st Quarter ~~o~~
I’m rolling in a bit behind schedule… should’ve done this post yesterday – but I got all busy with prep for the upcoming Pike Derby.
Yes, m’dears, it’s true. I’m headed out tomorrow for a day on the ice with my fabulous Fishing Mentor, Diana, and we do indeed hope to catch “the big one!”
It is a new thing for me – the fishing. I find myself happy to be in Diana’s company out in the world. I also find myself incredibly happy to be able to bring home food to feed my family. I garden… and now I fish. It’s a brave new world.
I was vegetarian for a long while and I still lean towards a plant based diet. But there is something about learning this skill that is feeding something deep within. And I do think it is about being able to… provide… for my family. For myself and the Raggedy Man.
I am grateful to my teacher and to the fish who come to me.
I am looking very much forward to the derby. To the companionship of the day and to the challenge of luring in a wily old pike… to win riches… for there ARE riches to be won. And I would also like to provide SOME CASH for my family.
So… wish us luck if you can.
~~o~~
Let’s shake out the last few days…
Reviewing my Intentions for the New Moon
- Θ Earth
Grounding – is taking the form of very basic and specific small steps forward as far as the WORK is concerned. These are feeling good. But I will admit there have been a few days of MISERY along the way. Tiny steps are hard when I want to LEAP ahead. - Φ Air
The Deep breathes of clarity – are indeed helping. Earlier in the week – the work was of the wild chaotic sort… and then settled into attempts to answer specific questions and now… now I am really breaking things apart… event by event and laying it all out to peruse. And… I think this allowing air and space that is much needed. - Χ Fire
As for trusting the flame… working on it. I do see sparks… I do. And I will tend them. - Ξ Water
Eyes focused below the water. I am chasing the big fish – and I am also noticing the beauty of the small ones. - Ψ Spirit
Shaky in the silence this week. Running for input input input… running from silence again. I see it. I can shift it.
~~o~~
Shaking off The Hard
- Θ
The weight of this bulk of words that… overwhelms me. Until I remember that I need only take tiny bites. - Φ
Easily winded this week. In life and while working. - Χ
Cold chills… cold days… longing for heat. - Ξ
Lack of flow continues work wise – but… but… not EVERY day. - Ψ
Still finding the big picture RATHAW fuzzy as far as the book goes. But I think it is coming into focus.
Baking in The GOOD
- Θ
Found something solid in the book – foundation wise – and can work towards strengthening it. - Φ
The seemingly tedious work I’ve been doing today is opening up space and allowing me to see the air around the events of the story. This probably sounds mad – but it is helping me find… the pattern… the road through… - Χ
Yes. Sparks. Thanking the story gods for the sparks. - Ξ
Water flowing under ice. Pockets of air. Shadows glimpsed. - Ψ
I can see that I so easily slip into Misery when the work is not going well. It isn’t even that the work is not going well. It is when I … run away from the work.- What truly needs baking in is… THE MISERY IS JUST PART OF THE DEAL – it is part of the creation. It is something to be worked through. And the only way through is – TO WORK.
- I know this, of course – but on and on and on and over and over I must re learn it.
~~o~~
Thanks for popping by.
Go easy ~p
Shake and Bake 64: The Deep and Deeper Edition
Shake and Bakes are my quarterly check-ins (CHICKENS!). They used to be weekly – but this year they are happening in line with the moon. I use these posts to … shake out the happenings of my work and my life in general in an attempt to Shake off the bad and Bake in the good. It’s about … gratitude, paying attention and now..living by the moon.
~~o~~ New PIKE Moon ~~o~~
This moon is known as Ice Moon (Celtic), Storm Moon (Medieval England/Wiccan), Snow Moon (Algonquin), Trapper’s moon (Colonial America), Bony Moon(Cherokee), and Little Famine Moon (Choctaw).
I saw a few possibilities for my personal naming of the coming moon. It feels like… a watery moon. There’s my newest JOY – the ice fishing I plan to do with Diana (Goddess of the fisHUNT). There’s the fact that The Raggedy Man will be sailing away from me for a few weeks – off on an adventure on the high seas. And then there’s the DEEP SEA work on the novel. Exploring the depths and chipping away… working my way back down to the true core of the story.
So… I’m gonna go with… Pike Moon for this moonth.
Let the wiley Nothern PIKE guide me through the murky waters ahead. Let me ride the currents of my life and slip deep into the Creative Realm.
(info on animal totems – here, here and here)
~~o~~
Intentions for the New Moon
- Θ Earth
Grounding – feet on earth, solid grounding of HOME, WORK, LIFE and all. Don’t slip on the ice. - Φ Air
Deep breathes of clarity. Clear the head. Clear the way for new paths through the work, new ways of relating. Fresh. Cool. Sharp. - Χ Fire
Follow the hunger and the passion in the Work. Trust it and nurture the flame. Let it cast light and show you the way through. - Ξ Water
Look below the ice to the teaming life. Chase the big fish. - Ψ Spirit
Seek the silence in the depths…. listen BELOW the silence.
~~o~~
Shaking off The Hard
Hmm…. drawing a blank on what what hard this last bit… I think just… WORK stuff…
- Θ
The frozen heaviness of the wall I hit - Φ
Lack of movement, lack of air. - Χ
SparkLESS – seeking the spark to carry me forward… deeper in perhaps. - Ξ
Lack of flow - Ψ
Loss of the overall vision of where we are headed…. lost my way there for a bit…still seeking the road back
Baking in The GOOD
- Θ
I do feel the ground beneath my feet in the story. And step by step will find my way to a new visioning and ReVisioning. - Φ
The work I am doing right now on Sanctuary is breathing new air into the story – and into ME as well. - Χ
The flame IS there in this story and I will tend it this moonth and let us pray it GROWS. (Like the man says, “there’s nothing as HOT as a slow burning fire.”) - Ξ
Let me repeat what I said last quarter…. Water continues to flow UNDER the ice. I must remember this. Bake it BAKE IT in. - Ψ
The Vision for the book will come… it is coming… it is. It is just a matter of… focus. I think.
~~o~~
And, with that… we move on into this fresh new Moonth.
Energy is awakening… we are moving toward Imbolc (February 2), a time of healing and inspiration and Brighid’s sacred fire.
Find a cozy nook and dream a little.
What would you like to bring in to your life?
I’ll be doing my simple Imbolc ritual again this year. Feel free to join me.
Thanks for popping by.
Go easy ~p
Places I read
some places i hang out
Pam Bustin 