Pam Bustin

Walking My Way to Water: Week 5 – Possibility (Finding Our Way to the River)

Posted on August 25, 2014 by pam

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages: 6/6

Artist Date:

This week, I had two dates with the Lil Artsy – who felt much older and wilder and WISER truth be told. A re-emergence of Ela perhaps (the old woman I dream of becoming). Both times, the dates arose from a clear strong call from her to “Stop” what I was doing, and to “Listen.”

I’ve been on the move for the last few weeks and am still … settling back in to life at the Shakey Shack – getting laundry done and working towards re-establishing some habits/practices I let slip while I’ve been away. In short… I’ve been running around like a chicken with her head cut off who doesn’t CHECK IN. (heh heh)

My first date with Ela was simply to go to the river and SIT. To pull a chair into the sun and sit on the edge of the water for 20 minutes. Let the world spin down. Focus on what “really” needed doing and… let the rest go (for now).

The second date began with resuming my daily walks up the lane yesterday. I headed out thinking… I shall have a short walk and look around and then I will get back and get to work on that blog post. Well…. Ela had a whole different take on what my day should look like.

The walk stretched out and… oh my dearlings… it felt so good. So good to be home, here on the Bay. So good to be walking up our road. So freaking GOOD to feel the muscles move under the skin and to hear the birds and smell smell smell the world.

My eyes were drawn to the rocks of the road. Next thing I knew, I was crouched over – sifting through the gravel, gathering small smooth stones and bits of quartz. I often gather quartz when I see it. I am slowly building up quite a collection that lives on the walkway up to the Writing Burrow.

The small smooth stones were… for runes.

Every few years, I feel a pull back to the runes.

My first set came to me from a boy I dated in university. He arrived at my door, after we had “broken up”, with a set of runes he had made for me and a book on how to use them. I often wonder where that boy is now – that man. He was the adopted son of a Jungian Analyst. He’d met the Dalai Lama and he told me the most wonderful stories woven from life and myth and dreams he’d had. Our time together was full of stories and play but became oddly frightening to me near the end. He’s one of the only Loves I have lost track of.

I have carried his runes with me all these years. I have played with them. Explored their meanings and how to work with them. Then… I put them away again. Never quite ready to stay with the work.

Perhaps this time I will continue.

When we got home, Ela and I washed the stones and laid them out to dry. I fully intended to move onto “other things” – like writing this blog post. But my hand was drawn back and back to the stones. I sorted them by size and then began choosing and laying them out.

I haven’t touched my runes in ages and I didn’t really “remember” the Elder Futhark. I didn’t REALLY have each rune in mind as I chose the stones. Actually I had the wrong number in my head – thinking that there were 26 runes in a set instead of 24.

I laid them out in rows of 7. 7-7-7-5

Then I dug out an old piece of paper listing the runes, their names and “meanings“.

I rearranged my stones into Aetts – 8-8-8.

I got a purple sharpie and inscribed each stone with it’s runic symbol.

I love how they feel in my hand.

And… so went a few lovely hours.

Synchronicity:

The thing that keeps returning and returning for me this week (for a few weeks actually) is the word/concept of GRACE.

Julia writes:

We see that our moods, views, and insights are transitory. We acquire a sense of movement, a current of change in our lives. This current, or river, is a flow of grace moving us to our right livelihood, companions, destiny.

Bango-bongo – this sang out to me.

The “transitory” nature of moods and so on— is smack on with what I am feeling in my body through the meditation practice.

And oh oh oh…. This word… GRACE… has been appearing for me daily for the last two weeks. The BIGGEST, most personal, instance came in speaking with a friend of a difficult situation… She said, “This is where you learn grace.”

May it be so.
And yes yes yes – may we all find the river.

~~o~~

Tasks Done:

I did the Virtue Trap Quiz, the Forbidden Joys and Wish List exercise.

I also marked as “to do” – the Morning Pages exercise where we are to “ask for answers in the evening and listen for answers in the morning.” I only managed to do it on a couple of evenings. I want to continue this practice and see what comes.

I read over the Tasks list for the week but… I didna do not one.

So it goes.

~~o~~

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

Julia gets to me right out of the gate this week…
We are asked to… examine the cost of settling for appearing good instead of being authentic.

Bam!

This smacks me a hard one upside the head. Though I tend to think of it as more that APPEARING good. I think…. I think I am BEING good and…yes… being seen to be good and so…. Yeah. I so get this one.

The sidebar quote that stuck with me this week was:

Look and you will find it—what is unsought will go undetected. ~ Sophocles

I’ve been especially pondering the second half of the quote. That we will never see what we aren’t looking for. It can be right there in front of me and I simply DO NOT SEE it.

I see this so often in my life. (Ha. See. Funny)

Like learning what hazelnuts look like growing on the trees around the shack. I never knew. Once I knew, I went in search of them and they were massively abundant.
‘Course I was away the week they ripened and by the time I got back home, the squirrels had reaped the entire harvest. Good on you, my manic furry brothers!

This week was also very… Goddy for me. Both in TAW and out in the world. That quote above kicked out the biblical equivalent “Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be open unto you.” Which I have known forever “by heart” but, with my kooky scarcity mindset, have never really… believed. Not really.

I always find it incredibly interesting to bump up against these things. Things that feel so ancient and so … ingrained in me… and yet, when I really take an honest look at them, I find I don’t believe them. I’ve never felt the TRUTH of them. Never allowed it in. As Spock would say, “Fascinating.”

On with the quotes and notes…

…Pray to catch the bus, then run as fast as you can.

Amen, Sister!

Learn to think of receiving God’s good as an act of worship.

Love this. And have never, ever heard it that way before. It may have been said to me that way… but this time I finally HEARD it. Cool.

We must learn to let the flow manifest itself where it will—not where we will it.

Booyah! Another explosion in my wee brain. Again… I know this. I KNOW THIS. But Lordy do I forget it. May I LEARN it—again and again and forever again.

It is as though we want to believe God can create the subatomic structure but is clueless when faced with how to aid or fix our painting, sculpture, writing, film.

Well, I can only say, “Get the heck outta my head Miz Julia!!!”

This one made me smile and chuckle right out loud.
Because … I just never thought about this thing about inviting The Big Kahuna Creatrix into my personal creative process. Seriously, never thought about it. Even though I’ve done this fricken book before. Uh DUH.
Wait…. That isn’t exactly true.

As an actor, I have connected with the divine before a performance to ask for support and protection and for my words to connect with the audience. I have especially asked for this support and protection when performing my own one woman shows (barefoot and OK — The Passage of Georgia O’Keeffe).

And now that I am thinking about it, I did ask for help to finish Mostly Happy. When I hit a hard hard patch after some not great feedback from a fellow writer, I took to my bed. I thought the work was shit and that I was failing failing failing entirely. I asked for help then. I asked for the strength to finish the book. And I was given it. The book got finished and published and even garnered a few awards. Yay.

What I haven’t done, as a practice, is to open up, CONSCIOUSLY to the Creator in my day to day work. I would like to do that.

And again I pause and think and realize…. I have begun to do this in a way. When I work in the Writing Burrow especially. I go in and I light some incense. I light the small and lovely green glass lamp that Patti Shedden gave me on the opening night of my first play. It was a gift from the Saskatchewan Playwright’s Centre.

This lamp is another of the things I have carried it with me through the years. I keep it on my writing table, but for years, I rarely lit it.

This spring, I began lighting it before I begin to write, and blowing it out with a “thank you” at the end of my shift.

Wow. This is sorta blowing my mind.

There are so many … things… that I am beginning to do simply because they feel like the right thing to do—inside of me. And then days, weeks, months later—some “back-up” from outside that calls for or names or explains the purpose of the thing I have been doing. Trippy.

Onward.

As each idea comes to us, we must in good faith clear away our inner barriers to acting upon it and then, on an outer level, take the concrete steps necessary to trigger our synchronous good.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I hear it. In good faith. We must do both the inner work and the outer work in good faith.

By holding lightly to an attitude of gentle exploration, we can begin to lean into creative expansion.

An attitude of gentle exploration — awesome-sauce.

And to continue with the awesome gentleness…

As we work with the morning pages, we begin to treat ourselves more gently. Feeling less desperate, we are less harsh with ourselves and with others. This compassion is one of the first fruits of aligning our creativity with it’s creator.

Huzzah for Self Compassion – also one of the first fruits of my adventures on Sea Change and even over the LIFT app.

I think that this Self Compassion thing has been my big learning of the year. Coming round and round and round again. Said with different words, by different people, approaching it from different angles but landing landing landing in my heart for months now.

And as I finish typing that sentence and turn the page, I read:

An artist requires the upkeep of creative solitude. An artist requires the healing of time alone. Without this period of recharging, our artist becomes depleted.

And this…

Many recovering creatives sabotage themselves most frequently by making nice.

And then this…

We strive to be good, to be nice, to be helpful, to be unselfish. We want to be generous, of service, of the world. But what we really want is to be left alone. When we can’t get others to leave us alone, we eventually abandon ourselves. To others we may look like we’re there. We may act like we’re there. But our true self has gone to ground.

Can you hear me weeping?

And feel my gratefulness that someone (dear Julia) gets it? That someone else feels the same?

Can you let yourself weep a little too?

Whew.

~~o~~

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

This week … oh again it is so rich and full for me. The things that ring and sing for me are….

…Grace… Self Compassion… Trust in myself and in the Creator…

I seek the river of Grace and Creative Flow.

I open my eyes and my heart to the world AS IT IS and not AS I WISH IT TO BE.

I am so grateful to Julia for creating this book and sharing it with us all. And for you, dear reader, for coming along with me on this grand adventure.

Thank you so much for your precious time. I know I tend to….blather on… in some of these posts.

Laying it all out to share with you is a huge part of how I am finding my way.

~~o~~

On we go to week 6!

I hope to report in early this week – before I dive into the mad joy of …. The 3 Day Novel Contest. Wheee!

May we find joy this week. And beauty.

May we find our way out of the Virtue Trap.
May we find the river.

Go easy ~p

Walking My Way to Water: Week 4 – Integrity (Life/Art/Life or…. SURVIVING without READING)

Posted on August 19, 2014 by pam

4 Comments

If you want to work on your art, work on your life. ~ Chekhov

Hey ya, Hi ya!

August is WHIPPING by me and I have been totally MIA for the past couple of weeks as far as the blog and online worlds go. It has been a wonderful time of Real World contact with friends and family, but I’m glad to be back at home now and back with you all.

Hullo hullo hullo!

On we go with The Artist Way….

In Week 4, we take a wander though Honest Changes, Buried Dreams and the dreaded Reading Deprivation.

I started late, and because I got so far “behind” on things, I’ve opted to let Week Four spread over TWO weeks. This will put me a week “behind” my fellow Spirit Walkers, but it was best… for me.

I only did ONE WEEK of Reading Deprivation though. That was plenty. Heh heh.

~~o~~

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages: 14/14

Continuing to do them BEFORE I get out of bed.

Artist Date:

I would say that I went on an extended date this week. I was in Montreal and got to spend an entire day wandering around on my own–through book stores and vintage clothing shops, up and down the funky streets, people watching, coffee sipping…. ahhh…..

I didn’t buy any Vintage Clothes — though I saw many beautiful beautiful things.

I did buy… books. Books and books and books. YUM. Some tasty finds from S.W. Welch used book store and some glorious treats from Drawn and Quarterly.

And… a grown up colouring book called Secret Garden by Johanna Basford. You can get a peek inside (and a few pages to colour) over at the Guardian.

Can’t wait to get out my coloured pencils and while away some hours.

Synchronicity:

I’ve just realized that I’ve been forgetting to record the instances of synchronicity that happen to me each week. I will get on board with this practice starting…. now.

~~o~~

Tasks Done:

1. I yearn to voice, each day – simply and clearly, my “deal” with the Creator. I am not sure I have found the perfect formula or phrase yet, but I would like to simply…. invite the Creator in – again and again and forever again. Into my work and into my self. I would like to simply say… welcome. Well come.

2. I did the Buried Treasure excercise. Loving that we were to list FIVE things for each query, of course.

5 hobbies that sound fun
5 classes that sound fun
5 things I would NEVER do that sound fun
5 skills it would be fun to have
5 things I used to enjoy doing (but haven’t done in a long while)
5 “silly” things I would like to try once.

I had the hardest time with things I would never do. It came out more as five things that I currently think I “could” never do for financial reasons or because I haven’t the training.

I also struggled with what I think of as “silly” – I came up instead with … things that might be scary for me.

3. The tasks that appealed the most were writing the Artists Prayer (still working on it) and the extended Artist Date – which I planned and thoroughly enjoyed in Montreal.

4. I was also drawn to time-traveling to 80 – describing myself and writing a letter back to my present day self about:

what I enjoyed doing most after 50
what interests I am most glad I pursued
and what dreams I hold dear

I just realized that I made a note to do this and still have to DO it.

Hmm.

I may carry over these two into this coming week. I am again starting LATE though…. sheesh. Summers are rough on this type of Doing for me.

5. The tasks I most did NOT want to do (and didn’t do- oops) were….

time-traveling back to 8. (all I wrote is: I don’t remember. I don’t remember. I don’t remember. My stomach hurts. Ooof.)
Looking at a situation in my life that I feel I should change but haven’t yet and what my payoff is for staying stuck. Fingers in my ears singing ‘lalalalalalala la’ on this one. I’m just not up to doing this right now. Nope.

Extra Tasks Done –

My walks my walks… I love my walks. And boy howdy did I walk in Montreal. Hours and hours and hours each day. Yay!
I carry on with the affirmations – written once at the close of the morning pages. And in the mirror for the “You will be awesome, oh yes, you will be awesome.”

~~o~~

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

Just as an athlete accustomed to running becomes irritable when he is unable to get his miles in, so, too, those of us accustomed now to Morning Pages will notice an irritability when we let them slide.

Amen Sister! I so feel this. If I don’t do the Scrib… it is a cranky day. If I let it slide for a couple of days…. I am ENTIRELY out of sorts.

…kriya, a Sanskrit word meaning a spiritual emergency or surrender.

Georgia O'Keeffe by Dennis Brack, 1977. — Georgia O’Keeffe by Dennis Brack, 1977.

Brings to mind the episodes of… taking to my bed… when the Work is not going well, or I receive a blow to my creativity like a really really bad review or attack in the form of “criticism.” I am smitten by what might be seen as “the flu” but is, in fact more connected to my spirit. The body is taken OUT and I … lie down for a few days.
This has also happened with family or romantic troubles. High emotion knocks me for a loop when my defenses are down.

I remember learning that Georgia O’Keeffe, one of my artistic heroines, “took to her bed” after each showing in New York.

Knowing that this strong, independent and courageous artist needed to retreat gives me… strength and hope. We may take to our beds for a few days, but we always get up and we go on with the work. The going on is the important thing.

…Creativity is grounded in reality, in the particular, the focused, the well-observed or specifically imagined.

Just a good reminder.

Art lies in the moment of encounter: we meet our truth and we meet ourselves; we meet ourselves and we meet our self-expression. We become original because we become something specific: an origin from which the work flows.
As we gain—or regain—our creative identity, we lose the false self we were sustaining. The loss of this false self can feel traumatic: “I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t recognize me.”

I. Just. Love. This.

Just keep walking.

Nuff said.

…Many changes have entered your life as a result of your willingness to clear room in it for your creator’s action…. There will be a sense of the flow of life—that you are brought into new vistas as you surrender to moving with the flow of God.

This is how I feel about the past couple of years of my life. That I am surrendering to, stepping into the flow. That there is a new me emerging. A new way of working and a new way of being in the world.
Going on my walks up the lane, I see so much more this year that I ever have. I am…. More present.
It is the work I am doing on the book and it is the meditation and it is the paying attention to the moon and the elements and it is the working on being present in my relationships—feeling the feelings—instead of hiding behind the old walls. It is the walking and the breathing and the listening.

…Morning pages are your boat. They will both lead you forward and give you a place to recuperate from your forward motion.

Yum.

The morning pages symbolize our willingness to speak to and hear God.

This smacked me upside the head. Again. I think it has to do with the idea of this working in the morning pages being more than “just” a connection to myself. The opening to a larger creative force.
Much to mull.

I also marked the place where she says that…

There is a special power in writing out the deal we are making with our creator. “I receive your good willingly” and “Thy will be done” are two short affirmations that when written in the morning remind us to be open to increased good during the day.

This… is taking me back towards…. God… towards my relationship with the Divine in an interesting way.

The Buried Dreams exercise was another fun adventure. I love those sorts of quick explorations.

And… the Reading Deprivation – whew….. It is SO tough for me.

This time, I found myself listening to podcasts, dharma talks and guided meditations to drift off into sleep. In small moments throughout the day when I felt the urge to reach for a book, I began to play Texas Hold ‘em on my phone. Interesting, eh?

As Julia so clearly notes…

For most blocked creatives, reading is an addiction. We gobble the words of others rather than digest our own thoughts and feelings, rather that cook up something of our own.

I’ve talked about my Story Addiction in previous posts.

I am a fanatical lover of WORDs. Reading has always been an escape and a solace to me.
It is even broader than that though.
I am addicted to STORY in all of it’s forms. Books, plays, movies, television, a tale told by a friend or a stranger. I am seduced and lulled, awakened and challenged by the spoken and written word.
A friend, Bear, who shares my Story addiction, pointed out that we will feed our addiction in any way we can and, like most addicts, we will always find the “easiest” route.
•   If there is a television – we will watch it.
•   If there is no tv – we will go to a movie
•   If there are no movies – we will read a book
•   and if I find ourselves BEREFT of all stories created by others… we will begin to write our own.

I agree with him, except that my default is often BOOKS even before TV. Unless I am tired tired tired.
I do remember, though, that the last time I came through this week in TAW, I dove into television and movies as a way to soothe my need to read.
I purposefully DIDN’T allow myself to do this time. Even the podcasts felt a bit “cheaty” to me. As I listened to things like… This American Life… stories stories everywhere.
The playing poker was an interesting twist for me. I now have a new addiction. Ha ha.

o

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

The strongest take away for me from this year’s trip through Week Four of TAW is…

Things are all working together… Again I circle back to the idea I held to for these two weeks and that I used at the opening of this post. That to work on our Art, we must work on our lives. That all is connected.

How wonderful.

~~o~~

And now… I must sally forth to check on and check back in with my online peeps. No email or forum chatting for two weeks….. YOIK! Me thinks I will be wading through emails and messages for a few days.

If you’ve dropped a line and I haven’t replied yet…. I’ll be with you soon.

Thanks for stopping by.

Go easy ~p

Walking My Way to Water: Week 3 – Power (Knocking SHAME on it’s Arse)

Posted on August 5, 2014 by pam

7 Comments

Hey ya, Hi ya!

August is upon us and I have been out roaming in the “real” world. Two whole days went by when I didn’t log into my computer at all at all…. and it was rather blissful.

Today, the sun is out and I’m aiming to get some on my skin. But first…. I gotta do a bit of catch up here in blogland.

First up… a peek at my adventures during week three of The Artist Way. In Week 3, Julia looks at Anger, Synchronicity, Shame, Dealing with Criticism, Detective Work (an exercise) and Growth.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. ~ Martha Graham

I received this quote TWICE in the same day from different sources. The second time it came, I marked it, and copied it out. It is encouraging … and it carries a weight too, doesn’t it?

We must use our gifts.

This is what this week was about for me in my journey through the book.

~~o~~

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages: 7/7
I’ve begun to do the 3 pages BEFORE I even…. get out of bed.
It’s working well.

Artist Date: Took me a while this week to settle on an artist date. I’ve been wanting to COLOUR lately. I thought… well, i should draw some nice mandalas and then colour them in. A good plan, yes?

She has more animal mandalas too! Click the pic or go to milliande.com

Except that Lil Arty didn’t feel like DRAWING…. she likes to draw, but this week she really just wanted to colour and go for walks. She wanted to colour a mandala with BEES. And so I found this one….

We had a lovely afternoon on the big bed surrounded by pencil crayons, sipping mango juice, colouring and humming to our happy happy selves.

Tasks Done:

1. I intended to “hew to my morning pages and do one kind thing for myself each day (and record it in the Random Sacreds each evening.)”

I did pretty good, though I sort of forgot to record the small kindness each day, in the wash of lovely blessings that rained down upon me. My evening blessing book grows fat with loveliness.

2. I made a list of clothes I wish I had as an experiment to see if they ARRIVE…
I don’t NEED any new clothes but she set up the challenge as a “scientific” experiment and so… I have made a list. It’s secret.

3. I continued to practice Self Compassion by checking in with myself several times each day just to take a beat and honestly ask myself how I am feeling and LISTEN. I did my UTMOST to respond kindly and, when I was doing something difficult, I promised myself a break and a treat when I finished and I DID IT. Small, simple treats. 30 minutes to read, a short break down on the beach, my walk was a treat SEVERAL days.

4. From the TASK list, I chose:

Take a look at your habits:

a) List three obvious rotten habits. What is the payoff of continuing them?

b) List three subtle foes. What use do these forms of sabotage have for you?

I chose this as the “easiest” task this week. It fits in so well with Sea Change and alla that. It was interesting to take a bit of time to explore the payoffs that I get from my “negative” habits.

5. Describe five traits you like in yourself as a child.

This was the most… unattractive task for me. I wrote…

“I’m not sure why this feels so hard, except that I don’t want to spend anymore time back there. The 20 questions thing (Detective Work pg 8 see below) tossed me back there and I don’t want to fucking dwell on it any damned more.”

So…. there was that.

But I came back to it later in the week. I actually came up with the 5 things while I was on a walk and then came home and scribbled them down. I just reread them and they make me smile. YAY. Imma keep ’em secret though. Just for me.

Extra Tasks Done –

My walks my walks… I love my walks.
I carry on with the affirmations – written once at the close of the morning pages. Just realized that I’ve stopped going to the mirror though. Imma restart that practice. I need to look myself in the eye at least ONCE each day.
I started out reading the Rules of the Road aloud each morning. It was a good thing to do, but… then I forgot to continue. Hmm…. Looking back, I see that I stopped coming out to the Writing Burrow (worked inside instead) and the Burrow was my trigger to read the rules…. interesting.

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

On Anger…

Anger is meant to be listened to.
Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out.
Sloth, apathy and despair are the enemy. Anger is not. Anger is… a very very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves.

On Synchronicity…

… The universe falls in with worthy plans and most especially with festive and expansive ones…
Understand that the WHAT comes before the HOW. First you choose WHAT you would do. The HOW usually falls into place of itself.

I read this and I wrote in the margin….

But here I am. I am not working? Am I not entirely committed to finishing the novel? Are WE BOTH not WORKING? Doing our true WORK???

My chest was tight. I was thinking about… lack. Lack of money – of steady income. Lack of… productions for the Raggedy Man. Lackedy lack lack.
And then… I kept writing…
Yes. You are doing the work.
And you have been given the means to survive for all these years. You have shelter, you have food, and you have all this beauty. Something always comes—enough comes. Enough to get by on. And for this novel specifically, you have been gifted/honoured/blessed with 2 years to work. To dedicate yourself to the work. What more SUPPORT would you have? Open your eyes Pam, open your eyes. SHEESH.

Well…. OK.
I sure told myself! Heh heh.

I love this actually. It shows that even though I have made the supposedly “big leap” and dedicated myself to writing…. and despite the fact that I have been absolutely supported in this by the universe for…. lordy lordy… for YEARS… Seriously folks…YEARS! I still hold that crazy fear, that crazy belief that it is all about to come tumbling down around my ears. Any moment. It jumps out and I need to grab hold and talk myself back into seeing reality.

I am fine.

We are fine.

We are fricken AWESOME!

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.

OK.

On Shame….

Ah shame….my old companion… here we go down the bunnyhole…

Making a piece of art may feel a lot like telling a family secret……HOW DARE YOU?

Oh right. There was that.

There was my sister refusing to speak to me for 2 years after the first novel came out.

There was my hunger, my need, to be forgiven for leaving home and leaving her behind – laid bare and offered up – and there was her response. Anger. Silence.

Yes. There was that.

When people do not want to see something, they get mad at the one who shows them.

The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run. – Henry David Thoreau

Oh yeah. I get that. There is a cost—and it isn’t just time and energy and focus needed for the physical…CREATION— it is deeper.

What I also hope is that there might also be a… feeding. A nourishment that comes along with these creations. I hope, I strive, with this new piece to not only give but to begin to receive. To not only bleed all over the page, but also to… be filled up by the act of creation.

I have often experienced the pain of creation, the wrenching wracking very real physical pain. Writing Saddles in the Rain, barefoot and Mostly Happy – I was often sick to my stomach and sick in my heart, re-living things or seeing them fall onto the page and actually FEELING them for the first time there. But…. I have also been healed and made stronger by working with this material. By turning it in my hands and my heart. By turning the raw and ragged into art.
I know this… but I forget.
I forget.

For the artist who endured childhood shaming – over any form of neediness, any type of expectation – shame may kick in without the aid of a shame-provoking review. If a child has ever been made to feel foolish for believing himself or herself talented, the act of actually finishing a piece of art will be fraught with internal shaming.

Many artists begin a piece of work, get well along it and then find, as they near completion, that the work seems mysteriously drained of merit. It’s no longer worth the trouble. To therapists, this surge of sudden disinterest (‘It doesn’t matter.’) is a routine coping device used to deny pain and ward off vulnerability.

Adults who grew up in dysfunctional homes learn to use this coping device very well. They call it detachment, but it is actually a numbing out. “He forgot my birthday. Oh well, no big deal.”

A lifetime of this kind of experience, in which needs for recognition are routinely dishonoured, teaches a child that putting anything out for attention is a dangerous act.

… Often we are wrongly shamed as creatives. From this shaming we learn that we are wrong to create. Once we learn this lesson, we forget it instantly. Buried under it doesn’t matter, the shame lives on, waiting to attach itself to our new efforts. The very act of attempting to make art creates shame.

How do I FORGET this shit? Duh.
And how interesting that this comes up as I head into this month of … paying attention to my expectations. Here we, once again, have some seeming conflict. Oh the tangles of life…
Needs or expectations… I see that there is work to be done on untangling the two for myself. I see that there is a danger for me in this month of “tossing my expectations in the ocean” – the danger, for people like me, is that we can head back into the ‘bad’ detachment, the numbing out of our feelings.

I don’t want to go back there. I have worked hard to get to this place where I can see and name and FEEL my feelings. Where I can welcome sadness and joy… I can greet them, as a wise friend reminded me this week. I can say, “Oh hello, Sadness, thank you for coming back.” I can thank them for what they bring to me. I can thank them and feel them and sit with them, now. I can learn from them.
That said, there are many expectations that I must let go of. Certainly. I am an adult now. I am not dependent on a parent or “big person” for my survival. I need to take of my own business. Absolutely.
But I also need to remember this deep and ancient shaming that happened in my childhood and the power that it still has over me.

I work on it… work through the layers of the spiral of healing from the violence done. And here we are again. “Hello shame. Hello.” May I be curious. May my eyes see clearly.

May I do the work on the novel and trust that it is a worthy creation. It was when I started. It still is. The nearing of the end is… scary… but my job is to keep moving forward, Keep creating, keep listening and trust that I am being led.
I didn’t realize how afraid I am of FINISHING this novel. I keep saying –“Oh Lord, I can’t wait til it is DONE and I can move on.”

But reading TAW this week, it hit me. I am bone deep afraid. Afraid it won’t be “good enough” sure. But also afraid of… not knowing what to DO with it. Do I go forth and seek a literary agent this time? Do I leap into Self Publishing? Will there be another after this? Another novel? Some stories? A play? What will I DO? Good lord, what will I do????

Keep reading and working…. I will keep working on the novel and working through TAW. That’s what.

As artists, we must learn to create our own safe environments… We do this by defusing our childhood shamings, getting them on the page, and sharing them with a trusted, non-shaming other.

Yes indeedy.

We must learn that when our art reveals a secret of the human soul, those watching it may try to shame us for making it.

And oh… oh how I needed to be reminded that the antidote for shame is self-love and self-praise. And oh… how hard those still are for me to muster. But yes, I know Julia is right on the money when she says…

We simply cannot allow the first negative thinking to take hold. Taking in the first doubt is like picking up the first drink for an alcoholic. Once in our system, the doubt will take on another doubt—and another. Doubting thoughts can be stopped, but it takes vigilance to do it. “Maybe that critic was right…” and, boom, we must go into action: “You are a good artist, a brave artist, you are doing well. It is good that you did the work.”

Lordy lordy…. Thank gawd for the last sentence. I can do that one. I can say, “It is good that I did that work. It is good that I wrote Mostly Happy.” The first couple statements are tougher for me… still.

The Dealing with Criticism section is fantastic and I love all her rules of road for this. The only think I MARKED was….

Art matures spasmodically and requires ugly-duckling growth stages.

Heh heh.

I did the Detective Work on page 84. I love those type of exercises. There is always something revealed. On a weird and interesting note… I just kept typing reVEILed there…. Hmm…. Think I need to go back and look at the work I did and see what is there?

Writing up these notes, I realized that doing the Detective Work actually threw me a bit. Isn’t it interesting that I totally forgot about that when I crafted the sentence above?

The exercise took me back, of course, to some childhood stuff. Stuff I’ve looked at before but it always comes out fresh with this type of exercise if you just let your hand whip across the page. There was some “ouch” but it was good to do.

On Growth…

…log ten slow miles for ever fast one…
Easy does it is actually a modus operandi. It means, “easy accomplishes it.” If you will hew to a practice of writing three pages every morning and doing one kind thing for yourself every day, you will begin to notice a slight lightness of the heart.

So good. Dovetails nicely with my newly deepened Self Compassion practice. Taking a moment, just a small moment to consciously do a small kind thing for myself each day…is flipping HUGE.
And I embrace the reminder to…

Be alert for support and encouragement from unexpected quarters.

Ahh…… Like those small miracles that surround me every day.

I can’t wait to leap into week 4. And yes, it will be a shorty week as I’ve taken advantage of the “long weekend” this week. Yoik.

~~o~~

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

This week’s strongest take away for me circles right back to the beginning of this post.

… there is only one you in all time, this expression is unique

There is so much here… in this chapter. So very very much, but for me, right now, as I move forward with the new novel, I shall take Ms Graham’s words to heart and they will strengthen me for the final push.

I create, I listen, and I am led.

~Amen (and a little woman)

Thanks for stopping by.

Wishing you a happy week ahead filled with small miracles and beauty abundant.

Go easy ~p

Shake and Bake 86: The Ripe Berries, Open Hands, All In Edition

Posted on July 30, 2014 by pam

4 Comments

Shake and Bakes are my quarterly life/work check-ins (CHICKENS!) It’s my way of shaking off the “bad” and baking in the “good” It’s about gratitude, paying attention and living by the moon. Much thanks to HAVI over at the Fluent Self for inspiration and to APRIL at Big Sky Astrology for her monthly Working with the Moon booklets.

o New Berry Ripe Moon o

Yes indeedy…. we are in another moon… They swing by me so fast these days that I can’t seem to keep up out here in blogland.

She graced our skies on Saturday July 26th and I just have to call her Berry Ripe moon this year. The raspberries and blueberries and serviceberries (Saskatoons / Sugar Plums) are full and some are so ripe and luscious already that my walks have taken on a tasty joy.

I’m also keeping my eye on a new discovery – hazelnuts. Some friends from round the bay took me on a wee medicine walk on Sunday and showed me, not only some wonderful berry picking spots, but also what ripening hazelnuts look like. They are all over…. up the lane, over the hill….. who knew.

This land holds such bounty. The desire to learn more about the local plants is strong. Eyes peeled for opportunities to learn more about Wild Foraging and medicines.

On we go…

~~o~~

August’s Moon is known as:

Sturgeon Moon (Algonquin)
Dispute Moon (Celtic)
Grain Moon (English)
Corn Moon (Medieval England)
Wyrt Moon (Wiccan)
Lightning Moon (Neo-Pagan)
Dog Days Moon (Colonial America)
Fruit Moon (Cherokee)
Woman’s Moon (Choctaw)

~~o~~

Animal Visits:

The fox is back making visits to us in the early morning.

And there is a lovely heron on the river. She flew by a few times last week and I hope to see her again.

~~o~~

New Moon Intention:

I’ve a simple and yet incredibly complicated intention for this moon. It is to … let go of expectations.

The module for August over on Sea Change is Toss Your Expectations into the Ocean. As Leo so eloquently puts it….

Our frustrations, anger, sadness, outrage, stress, being offended by what other people do …pretty much all of it comes from our expectations … and when things (inevitably) don’t turn out as we expect, from wishing things were different.

Imagine then, if we could toss these expectation in the ocean and let them drift away. If we could live in the moment, as it is – not as we oh so wish it was.

Hear that echo? AS IT IS….AS IT IS…. yup I’ve been working on this one for a while.

Leo calls this an “advanced” habit – and I see why. This is… THAT THING I have working towards/at/on for a good long while but have not expressed in quite the clear, well thought out, way that he has. Again he has nailed an excellent description of one of my desired life practices. AND he has laid out a clear clear plan for us to follow.

So clear is his plan that I intend to stick hard to it. To follow his directions and not get side-tracked with my own ideas of …. moony energies or elemental areas of focus… for this month.

Let’s face it – the dude has been working on these habits for a long time and he has an approach that is gentle and yet challenging and, most of all, he knows WHAT WORKS. I’m all in.

I’m really looking forward to this month.

Thanks for stopping by.

Go easy ~p

Walking My Way to Water: Week Two – Identity (She Who Pays Attention)

Posted on July 27, 2014 by pam

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages: 7/7
I’ve begun to do the 3 pages BEFORE I even eat my breakfast. Then sit back and enjoy some food and coffee before continuing to scribble. It’s quite lovely

Artist Date:I restarted my guitar playing by … restarting with Lesson One in the Beginner’s Course from Justinguitar.com
I also began practicing again along with his suggested schedule.
Feels good to try again. It’s hard for me to stick with something if I am really NOT GOOD AT IT pretty quickly. I’ve restarted this guitar playing thing a few times now… I know that what I need to do is practice just a BIT each day. To get those chords sounding good. I hope my work with small consistent improvements over on Sea Change will help me stick with it this time.

Other Tasks:
HARDEST – The guitar thing was actually my hardest thing – carried over from the Imagined Lives (Wandering Minstrel). I’d been wanting to pick up Pree (my guitar) and I was… resistant… knowing I’d failed to practice the other times I tried to learn. I decided if I made the LESSON my artist date, it would give me a chance to see if I wanted to continue with the practicing. I really do want to learn to play. I really do.
EASIEST – Affirmative reading – making time to read over the Basic Principles each morning and night and noticing any attitudinal shifts.

Basic Principles:

1. Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.
2. There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life — including ourselves.
3. When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator’s creativity within us and our lives.
4. We are, ourselves, creations. And we, in turn, are meant to continue creativity by being creative ourselves.
5. Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.
6. The refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature.
7. When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: good orderly direction.
8. As we open our creative channel to the creator, many gentle but powerful changes are to be expected.
9. It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and greater creativity.
10. Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.

I read these principles every morning, but not every evening. My evening routine went off the rails this week. Again. Blergh.
I noted each day which principle stood out for me and was quite fascinated that it seemed to shift each day and that I would carry at least ONE of the principles into the day with me. The one that my focus returned to on more than day was #8. Which was grand, as I was also aiming to pay attention to small blessings and note them in my evening chickens. I may continue this practice for another week. Or shift it and read the Rules of the Road (see below) instead.

Extra Tasks Done –

My walks slipped off this week. I miss them.
I did carry on with the affirmations – in the mirror and written out at least once at the close of the morning pages.

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

Tagged: the paragraph that speaks of how the attacks to our creative self can be external or internal… Knowing that most of the attacks on my creativity come from the inside, I aim to use the Metta phrase I learned when I first heard about Insight Meditation – “May I be safe from internal and external harm.” to battle these attacks.

By not asking the Great Creators help with our creativity, and by not seeing the Great Creator’s hand in our creativity, we could proceed to righteously ignore our creativity and never have to take the risks of fulfilling it.

Yup… yup… yup… I’ve never really thought of this in this particular way before. I have never, except as a hair pulling desperate cry from my heart asked the Creator to HELP ME WITH MY WORK. Why not? I’ve no idea. I just … never thought of that before.

It sounds silly to me, right now, that I have never thought about this before.

I have come to see that my work can … reach in to a sacred place in myself and my audience… and I have totally asked the Creator to help me ONSTAGE as I performed a work… but to ask Her to … guide my pen… to lead me on… I have never VOICED this.

I think I might begin.
And I think I might … more clearly… hold the awareness that the Work is an offering.

It is very important to understand that the time given to morning pages is time between you and God.

That just smacked me… Just smacked me between the eyes.

It is.

It really is.

Draw a sacred circle around your recovery

Tagged: Draw a sacred circle around you WORK!

It is actually easier to write than not to write.

So true so absolutely undeniably TRUE. And so hard to remember. Heh heh.

The section on Crazymakers rang so familiar to me. On many levels in many areas of life, not just in my work. Especially this:

Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with.

Lordy… I do know this. We mustn’t allow them to turn us against each other.

And then there is this…

As much as you are being exploited by your crazymaker, you, too, are using that person to block your creative flow…. The next time you catch yourself saying or thinking, “He/she is driving me crazy!” ask yourself what creative work you are trying to block with your involvement.

Ooof… that’ll hit you in the gut.

Begin, this week to consciously practice opening your mind.

Tagged: Notice blessings, opportunities and the Random Sacred.

And…Oh… the stuff about her grandma… weeping weeping goodness. I would so love to grow into a woman who sees the world the way she did.

Life through grandma’s eyes was a series of small miracles…. She stood it by standing knee-deep in the flow of life and paying close attention…. Survival lies in sanity, and sanity lies in paying attention… The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention. … The reward for paying attention is always healing…. More than anything else, attention is an act of connection.

Wow wow triple wow, right? I especially love the bit about the capacity for delight. May we all increase our capacity for delight.

The precise moment I was in was always the only safe place for me to be. Each moment, taken alone, was always bearable. In the exact now we are all, always, all right.

Amen, Sister. It took me so long to learn this one. I continue to work on it.

And this… well this is just one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read…

I remember her pointing down the steep slope from the home she was about to lose, to the cottonwoods in the wash below. ‘The ponies like them for their shade,’ she said. ‘I like them because they go all silvery in their green.’

Beautiful.

Large Cottonwood Tree – Canyon DeChelle, New Mexico (wikipedia)

~~o~~

The chapter ends with Julia’s Rules of the Road.

RULES OF THE ROAD
In order to be an artist, I must:   

Show up at every page. Use the page to rest, to dream, to try.   
Fill the well by caring for my artist.   
Set small and gentle goals and meet them.   
Pray for guidance, courage, and humility.   
Remember that it is far harder and more painful to be a blocked artist than it is to do the work.
  Be alert, always, for the presence of the Great Creator leading and helping my artist.
  Choose companions who encourage me to do the work, not just talk about doing the work or why I am not doing the work.   
Remember that the Great Creator loves creativity.   
Remember that it is my job to do the work, not judge the work.   
Place this sign in my workplace: Great Creator, I will take care of the quantity. You take care of the quality.

~~o~~

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

This week’s strongest take away for me is the reaffirmation of the power of paying attention.

I aim to increase my capacity for delight and to open my eyes and heart to all the small miracles that flow to me each day.

Yeah.

I want that to be my identity – one for whom life is a series of small miracles.

~Amen (and a little woman)

Thanks for stopping by.

Wishing you a happy, creative, week ahead.

Go easy ~p

Shake and Bake 85: Cake Bakin’ and Train Waitin’

Posted on July 26, 2014 by pam

o Dark Moon of Calming o

Hullo peoples.

This week’s chicken comes to you live from the Chapleau Train Station where I await the arrival of my lovely Sister in Law for her annual summer sojourn at the Shack. This year I baked a cake – and I do believe it is the first cake I have baked since that pineapple upside cake we created back in grade eight Home Economics.

Oh the things I didn’t learn in Home Ec….

The week has, as usual, flown by me.
Here’s what it looked like…

The Hard:

Θ a few more slips on my rising early habit. Loving the late nights…
Φ continued allergies for the poor Raggedy Man – they just don’t end this year. Kinda like the skeeters (big and plentiful and HUNGRY).
Χ A few days too seemingly full to make it to the page. I say seemingly because…. well… because.
Ξ Was hard for me to do what I what I aimed to do this week – to really NOTICE emotions as they were happening. I know that sounds weird. But what I mean is… I couldn’t often NOTICE in the moment. Couldn’t notice and find the pause. It would be after that I would go, “Oh, that was sadness, that was anger, that was… whatever.”
Ψ and… now that I want to notice things like me taking on the emotions of others… it seems there is nothing to notice… which I do not believe to be true

The Good:

Θ The baking of a cake.
Φ The anticipation of the arrival of my lovely SiL.
Χ I got THROUGH that scene that was holding me hostage! Hoorah. Moving forward with the reVisions. Some days fast feeling some days thick and slow – but moving.
Ξ a new dockthing knocked together from a gift from those backbay charmers and some wood we had lying about.
Ψ week two of The Artists Way – lovin’ it up.

~~o~~

This week’s Chicken is to cover …

West ~ Ξ (ksi) water – health – taste – emotions

Moving into the Last 1/4, I was focussed on feelings and emotions and what I was trying to untangle/de-clutter was my tendency to be an emotional empath. Last week I talked about RAIN – a meditation technique that can help us Recognize, Allow/Accept, Investigate or become Intimate with and recognize the impermanence of these states and lean back into that lovely ocean of Non-attachment.

I also wanted to use this check-in to note any changes in overall health and wellness due to practicing this month’s habit.

Well…. Like I said, for some reason… I felt rather… flat this week — emotion wise. I did practice RAIN a few times in my formal meditation sits, but I had to search a bit to find instances of emotional turbulence in my day. Sometimes I reached back a few weeks and worked on older instances of suffering. This seems great… no emotional turbulence…right? Only I’m thinking the turbulence was still here, but somehow I, once again, numbed out to it.

I did have ONE TIME when I noticed something sweeping over me and I managed to RAIN with it. That was cool.

I shall continue to pay attention this week to my emotional empathy (and state of being in general) and see what happens. We aren’t ready yet for a new habit over at Sea Change, so this will work out.

As for my general health and wellness… I have an inkling that if I could… when I am able… take this de-cluttering idea to heart that it will lift a large weight off of me. Though I resist doing it right now… I think the idea is planted and may take root despite my resistance.

One of my fellow SpiritWalkers mentioned this happening for her with the Waking Early habit. She really had no desire or motivation to work on the habit when it was the “module of the month” but now her life has shifted in a way that has opened her up to it. She is one of the folks doing TAW with me and she is rising early to do her morning pages. I think that is sorta awesome.

Above/Below/All Round ~ The Fifth ~ Ψ (psi) quintessence – spirit – hearing/listening

I also wanted to do a sort of – overall review of how this month’s habit turned out and how it felt to work through it with the various focuses each week. But, in truth….I don’t think things really worked this month because I never really committed to the habit of de-cluttering. Not really. Not at all.

Lemme do a quick look-back…

Week One – I actually did do some physical de-cluttering, but more blitz cleaning than actually… letting go of anything.
Week Two – Hmm… there is quite a bit happening in that week actually. I shifted from the idea of de-clutter to tidy in the physical realm, but the focus was on THINKING and that is the week I began to notice how my scarcity mindset gets in the way of de-cluttering. I can’t LET GO of anything because… “I might need that!” I also embraced my current need of and love of SILENCE. That it is OK to wear earplugs – heh heh.
Week Three – right right right… the decluttering of the novel is going well. It is tough, but it is happening. And so… the focus on WORK or what I SAY has actually been pretty darned solid, too.
And then this week with it’s focus on EMOTIONS/FEELINGS… which felt a bit … meh.

OK… so the month wasn’t a total wash then. Yay for the idea of reviewing that. It has made me feel a lot better about the month. Cool.

The Sea Change program is falling out of sync with the moon cycles, but I feel that this idea of using the elements to deepen each month’s new practice/habit has merit. I still like the idea of working with one practice/habit per month and one focus per week. So… I shall carry on doing it.

There is an urge, now that I am involved with Sea Change to… tidy up my chickens by going back to weekly check-ins instead of following the moon… but I don’t want to do that. I will follow the moon and keep up the Quarterly check-ins til we reach Samhain (Oct 31) again. Then we will see what next year might look like.

Just a warning that the chickens could get even kookier from here on in. I’ll just play it by ear, I guess.

~~o~~

Okay pals and pallas and those who’ve stumbled upon us unawares….

That’s it for me this quarter.
The train is almost here. I just got a text from my Sister in Law.

May you all have a wonderful week with friends and family and you own sweet and luscious selves.

Here’s an old old train song to carry me out…

Go easy ~p

Walking My Way to Water: Week One – Safety (Trust)

Posted on July 20, 2014 by pam

1 Comment

Hullo Sweeties!

As you know if you spend time here, I started working my way through Julia Cameron‘s The Artist’s Way again this week. And oh what a glorious week it has been. While other things have felt … not so grand, this has been quite wonderful.

I’m working through it with some company this time. A few people over on Sea Change. Our group is called SpiritWalkers (a name I love) with a deep felt connection to “nature” being the thing that originally drew us together. We are having some great convos over there and when our fearless leader said he was going to work through TAW I asked if he’d like company. He said, “Sure.” And another SpiritWalker hopped on board as well. And then there was three…
We all have copies of The Complete Artists Way which includes three books.
~ The Artist’s Way
~ Walking in This World
~ Finding Water
Our plan is work through the first book, and report in to each other at the end of each week over on our group page. Hoorah.

I have this idea of working my way through all three books…. Perhaps with breaks between them… or not… dunno. But I opened up a new Scrivener project and called it…Walking My Way to Water….and it made me smile. The idea of working through all three books and keeping some notes. It appeals.

Then I thought… do I need to include the word “ARTIST” – as in …

Walking my Artist to Water? (and perhaps tryna force her to drink???)
Walking Artistically Toward Water? (I envision RuPaul strutting down the shores of the river)

Here’s what I decided… I don’t actually need to include the word ARTIST – because if I have learned anything here over the past few years it is that my artistic practices are an integral part of my Spirit — as my spiritual practices are an integral part of my Art. (The ding-dong you hear is the sound of bells going off in my head) It is all ONE.

As I began to make my notes on Friday, I started thinking about whether to blog the journey and if I did… whether i would just include it in my Shake and Bakes, or create a whole new category of chickens.

So Why blog it?

Why do I blog any of this stuff?

In case anyone else wants to play.

And, because I’ve been yackety yacking since I started this blogthing about posting more about writing….more about my process…. or at least things that would LOOK more like they are talking about writing/creating than all my moony meanderings. I have therefore decided to blog it up (!) and I created a brand new category for these thinkings/findings/funnings so that those who don’t care to hear my quarterly life chickens can just wing on through these.

And…..You caught that offer to play together, didn’t ya? Just checking.

Let’s talk about our art. Let’s talk about our spirit. Let’s talk about our journey to find water. Yeah!
But, as always… no pressure.

So… My plan is…

To read through each chapter and highlight things as I read, and perhaps add a note or two in the margin. I don’t usually mark up books, but I’ve an urge to mark this one as a working book. I want notes in it and scribbles and doodle-doos and maybe even a few doodle-don’ts.
I will be doing the Morning Pages and Artist Dates and aim to do at least 2 of the other tasks in each chapter throughout the week. The one that feels easiest and the one that feels hardest.
At weeks end – say Friday, I will review what I have highlighted and tagged and note it in my Scrivenings along with any thoughts that arise. I think leaving it to rest for a week as I go about my business is a good idea. Like letting it… steep.
I’ll whip up a blog post … with a Quick Chicken of the doings (Morning Pages, Artist’s Date and other Tasks I did) and sharing what jumped out for me.
After I do the blog post, hopefully I shall have ONE THING that I can take away with me… ONE small clear thing I want to hold onto as I continue the journey. A personal nugget or soul stone to carry.

And maybe… just maybe… some of you might like to play along, sharing your adventures with me and with each other. That would be lovely. fingers crossed.

This plan may, of course, shift along the way. All life is subject to change.

~~o~~

Let’s dive in…

The Quick Chicken…

(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages – 7/7

This would seem to be the EASIEST of this week’s tasks as i already do the Scrib every morning. But the MPs are a bit different than what the Scrib has become for me, so now… the first three pages of the Scrib are done fast fast fast. Takes me about 30 min. It’s fun to see what pops out. Then I go back to my usual meanderings.

Artist Date – Friday for 2 hours. Drawing and colouring down on the beach. Created a mandala… playing with the five elements and some correspondences and then…. scribbled thoughts/feelings all round it. Twas fun.

Other Tasks – (HARDEST THING) I did the listing of the enemies and the champions. I’ve done it before, but it was interesting to check in and see who popped quickly to mind this time and then to spend some time with them. I’ll keep these to myself.

I did the five lives thing… I would be…

a healer (of minds and bodies),
a carpenter,
a fix-it gal (engines, clocks and whatnot),
a person who worked with/for Dian Fossey with the gorillas,
and a wandering minstrel.

Wheeeee!

I decided on the lives and then… I forgot to do the rest of the task which was…”to do it for the week” meaning I could’ve … hammered some nails, tinkered with an engine or picked up that dusty guitar in the corner…hmm…. maybe I can roll this one over to play with this week…

I took my artist for a walk and/or a kayak each day this week. We looked around at colours and shapes and I ate warm raspberries gathered from the roadside. Fresh and sweet and tart on my tongue. Yum.

I also worked with some affirmations – which are always… a struggle for me. I just feel so damned…SILLY… doing them. But I found a way to work it. I added them to “morning awesome-ification.”

I’ve been doing this kooky but wonderful morning mirror talk for the last 126 days in a row. I wake, I drink a glass of water and head into the bathroom. I look myself in the eye and whisper,

“I will be awesome today, oh yes, I will be awesome!”

It never fails to crack me up and get my day started with a grin.

So… I added a coupla things to that. I’m too shy to say what.

ONWARD!

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

OK so from the intro…

…It was not excessive outflow that damaged artists so much as increased inflow.

Yes yes yes … this is so what I am learning right now. This is me. I stuff stuff stuff other peoples … STUFF … into myself until I cannot hear my own Self. I cannot find my own voice amidst the rabble-babble rubble.

…Artists report that they have become more creatively rounded into full-time people.

I just love this, because it is so important. If all I do is obsess about the novel I am currently writing, I am so not fun to be around at all at all.

By doing TAW (along with all the other yummy stuff I do), I am opening to … other forms of creativity and freeing up some energy. I think.

… The theory doesn’t matter as much as the practice itself does.

Sing it sister! This is exactly how I feel about Vipassana too.

Shortcuts and hazards of the trial should be tagged.

Tagged (meaning I wrote in the margin) Trial or Trail? Or both…. I love that both words WORK here.

We undertake certain spiritual exercises to achieve alignment with the creative energy of the universe.

Tagged – practices!

We ourselves are the substance we withdraw TO, not from, as we pull our overextended and misplaced energy back into our own core.

So fricken good. This is why I am here now. Here in the shakey shack. Here on the shore of the Kebsquasheshing. This is what I am trying to do, entirely.

In SK I was working for an arts org and volunteering for another and giving way way WAY too much of my energy away. I had been doing this for years.

I get so into… sustaining the community and working on behalf of others.

Since we’ve been here, I’ve been coming back to myself. It has taken a long while for me to recover. And sometimes I wonder if “recover” is the right word.

It could well be that I am truly finding my core self for the first time.

I had glimpses of her earlier in my life – mostly in the work. When I am writing well or when I am onstage in a show and I get that… FLOW … feeling. But for so much of my life, I have been disconnected from her.

The funny thing I see, just now, is that these FLOW moments, where I have felt most… myself… and most connected to myself are also moments of… giving to others. To the audience. Interesting, non?

Even if we look like functioning artists to the world, we feel that we never do enough and what we do is not right.

So so SO me. So me. Oh Lordy so me! Can I get an AMEN???

Make no mistake: the Censor is out to get you. It’s a cunning foe. Every time you get smarter, so does it. So you wrote one good play? The Censer tells you that’s all there is.

And the weeping begins…

Everyone has a direct dial to God. No one needs to go through an operator. Tell them to try this technique [go to your morning pages and ask for guidance and then LISTEN and write it down] with a problem of their own. They will.

I just love this. Do it on a regular basis. I also talk to my characters when we get stuck.

It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living. -Simone de Beauvoir

Tagged – THIS is so connected with my current quest to see things AS THEY ARE and not how I wish them to be. (Vipassana practice)

Boredom is just ‘what’s the use?’ in disguise. And ‘what’s the use?’ is fear and fear means you are secretly in despair.

Holy shit the weeping!

The artist brain is the sensory brain: sight and sound, smell and taste, touch. These are the elements of magic, and magic is the elemental stuff of art.

Yay for the FIVE! Yay for the senses and the elementals.

And then we move into Chapter One and I see that I didn’t highlight anything except the affirmation:

As I create and listen, I will be led.

Which I tagged onto my deciding to be awesome practice (along with the crazy brilliant prolific affirmation) and somehow morphed into: I create and listen and I am led.
So… OK… shy or not… my morning mirror practice this week has become…
Look myself in the eyes and say out loud….
“I will be awesome today, oh yes, I will be awesome. I am a brilliant and prolific writer. I create, I listen and I am led.”
The deciding to be awesome still makes me smile every day. The saying I am brilliant and prolific makes me cringe cringe cringe. But I adore finishing off with I create, I listen and I am led — because that is so true. If I can get mySelf to quiet down enough so that I can listen… that is when the good stuff comes. That’s where the juice is. For me.

Looking back over Chapter One, I realize that I have worked though a lot of these ideas many times and… I smiled to be able to see that I have actually made some progress. That many of the negative beliefs I held about being an artist have … faded away.

But, as with any… healing or growing process – this thing is a spiral. And each time we come to this material, I believe that something else will rise to the surface for us.

What came to me strongest this time through is that I still have a scarcity mindset. Entirely.

I still can’t see any way to get beyond subsistence, financially speaking.

In truth I have a hard time believing that we have survived this long and that I have managed to eat and be sheltered without a “job-job” for months at a time. I am OK right now and for a few more months, but always always always is the monster clawing at me… that I will starve. That in the end… I will starve. Blergh.

My personal Nugget…

There is much to be examined in that scarcity mindset arena… but the small smooth pebble that I choose to carry away with me from this chapter is…

I create, I listen and I am led.

This is a truth for me. And it adds no weight for my journey forward.

I show up to the page every day. I get the pen moving and I listen – to my characters and to my muse. And i am led to create what I must.

As to what happens next…. that is MOSTLY outta my hands.

~~o~~

Well… that was fun.

Drop a line if you are working through TAW right now. Or if you’ve worked through it in the past. I’d love to hear what jumped out of Chapter One for you. Or what you would be if you had five other lives to live.

Thanks for stopping by.

go easy ~p

Shake and Bake 84: Bringing on the RAIN

Posted on July 19, 2014 by pam

2 Comments

~~o~~ Last Quarter Moon of Calming ~~o~~

Let it Rain Click the pic to get to an article by Tara Brach in Yoga Journal

Heya Beauties

How goes the world?

Twas a good week for this one. A fast week. A full week.

The Hard:

Θ the continued slipping of my rising early habit. loving the snooze 2days.
Φ continued cold mornings. i just. can’t. hack it. sigh.
Χ a scene a scene a scene in the novel that has been holding me hostage for days. I just can’t seem to find my way through it. harumph
Ξ Ψ a strange INCREASED sensitivity to the emotions of others. Things seem to be SLAMMING into me this week. So hard that they take my breath away sometimes. I think this may be a side effect of being more and more in the moment, more and more IN my body. I am feeling things deep deep and now I need to let them… go… again. Let them flow through? oof

The Good:

Θ another rather LARGE house project completed – we got the new curtains up – which entailed clearing and moving two huge shelves full of books and movies.
Φ a surprise visit from a SK friend who is traveling across the country headed for Newfoundland. Such a lovely day spent with him. Golf well, my friend. Golf well.
Χ a scene a scene a scene in the novel that is so lovely it made me weep in a GOOD way
Ξ time spent alone in the kayak on the morning river -such beautiful mornings when I DO rise at 5:55.
Ψ week one of The Artists Way – ahhhhhhh. So great to be revisiting this.

~~o~~

On we go with the working through of the de-cluttering module over on Sea Change.

I have to confess that I have not been giving Leo’s wisdom on this matter a fair shake. I still haven’t watched this month’s webisode and I blaze through his weekly posts…. I resist I resist I resist and yet… I continue to circle the idea of this habit and work through it in my own kooky way.

Week THREE – Χ (chi) fire – work – vision – will

Full to Last Quarter

Take time for a review, see if I need to tweak my plan for the moonth, see what there is to Release.
Focus on Work – clearing up files on the computer and papers or simply continuing the de-cluttering of Sanctuary (AKA – editing).

I shifted my focus to small TIDYings and pretty much LET GO the idea of decluttering for now. I planned to add a ten minute session to my PM Sit and continue with the clearing of the tables as part of my evening routine. I didna do the tidyings after my PM sit. Not one friggin time. I totally forgot about it until just now. Funny, ya? I did continue with the evening clearing of the tables and I also began … putting things back in order each day in the Writing Burrow when I finished up my shift.

I enjoy these small tidyings and I really enjoy the spaces after they are tidied and coming into a clear clean place each morning. Let us call this a success then – though it is different than I “planned”.

The editing/reVisioning of Sanctuary continues apace… a snail’s pace… but a pace.

Zipping along earlier in the week and then hit this scene that has… oh … just so many elements in it of the… new thread that has emerged and gained strength with this draft and… well lordy it just has me tied in knots. But I continue to work it…work it… work it… and I know that the working out of this seeming simple scene has much much deeper ramifications for the novel as a whole. Aiming, as always for the clear clean line through….

why is this scene here?
how does it move the story forward?
what the HELL is he on about????

May I find my way safely through.

~~o~~

Moving on now to this week’s focus…. Oh Jeezly…. Guess what it is??

Week FOUR – Ξ (ksi) water – health – taste – emotions

Last Quarter to Dark Moon July 25

Focus on FEELING – The plan is to work consciously this week on becoming aware of which emotions are mine and which I am absorbing/taking on from those around me. If possible, I would also like to practice letting go of these emotions that don’t rightly belong to me.

Doesn’t THAT sound like fun?

I think I have been noticing this more and more – hence the increased sensitivity mentioned above. Perhaps.

My largest challenge this week will be to practice R.A.I.N with my own sufferings and perhaps with the sufferings of others that I’ve been taking on as my own.

~~o~~ what R.A.I.N entails and how I intend to work with it ~~o~~

R Recognize what is happening. (What’s happening?)

– meaning (for me this week), recognizinf the emotion/feeling that is flooding me.

A Allow life to be just as it is. (Can I be with this?)

– meaning (for me this week), accepting the emotion/feeling instead of trying to defend against it, push it away or deny it’s existence.

I Investigate inner experience with kindness.

– meaning (for me this week), noticing where the emotion/feeling is in my body and discerning whether this emotion is actually MINE or if I am doing the emotional empath thing and taking it on from someone else.

I like the way Tara Brach refers to this as becoming Intimate with with the experience. It is here that Tara speaks of bringing kindness to ourselves. A most excellent way for me to deepen my Self Compassion practice.

N Non-Identification.

– meaning (for me this week), acknowledging that this emotion/feeling is impermanent. That it is moving through me. That I am the ocean and this is a wave.

I know that sounds airy-fairy but it rings so true true true to me. Tara speaks of this in the talk linked to below. The first time I heard it, I finally BEGAN to understand what she/they mean by this non-identification step. It is lovely lovely lovely and incredibly … liberating for me.

I hope to practice mini-RAINs in the moment and include some more formal intentional sits on the side.

There is a fantastic Dharma Talk and guided meditation I found on Tara Brach’s site that will help. I love it. I just listened to it again and… oh it is so good. If you have an hour sometime this week, it is well worth a listen. You can also go and download it as a podcast on itunes. I just did THAT as well, so I can have it with me for a while.

Here’s the audio… RAIN-Cultivating-a-Mindful-Awareness.

Und here is the video…

~~o~~

Okay my pals and pallas….

It’s time for me to go and work up this week’s check in for The Artist’s Way. I’m working through it in company this time, which is very exciting.

I haven’t decided yet if I’d like to keep my explorations semi-private within our SpiritWalkers group, or if I’d like to post it here as well. We will see what we will see.

May we hold ourSelves and others gently this week.

Go easy ~p

Shake and Bake 83: Hearthurt but oh such joys…. blooming everywhere

Posted on July 13, 2014 by pam

2 Comments

~~o~~ Full Moon of Calming ~~o~~

“Ullo poppets….

Oh so hard to sit me down today. Hard to come to the chickening. Hard. Remember when I used this space each week to trace the hard and the good. Perhaps it is time to revisit that today. Lightly.

The Hard:

a heart hurt.
the slipping of seemingly well-established practices (rising early and meditating 2x per day).
epic FAIL-IO on the de-cluttering front this whole month.

The Good:

a beautiful send-off/celebration for a friend yesterday. Good stories told, good food, good friends (old and new) gathered in honour of a great woman pulled together by her fabulous children.
time spent with friends on Thursday and Friday as well.
a heartfelt gift given and another received.
releasing and relaxing.
a return to Work after a strange avoidance.
a rather LARGE house project completed – we have new “windows” on the front of the camp. Perfect for watching the approach of thunderstorms over the river.

See…. I do this and it comes to me that this has been a wonderful week.

So why the sadness today? Strange dreams, I think. I didn’t remember any dreams, but I woke feeling so sad and awful lonely. Stemming, no doubt from the aforementioned heart hurt. A cuddle with the Raggedy Man helped disperse the cloud a bit, but it lingers with me as I move through the day.

I’m just back from a walk up the lane – which also always helps disperse the gloom. So much … LIFE thriving at the side of the road. A riot of tiny flowers now – yellows and purples, blues and reds and so very very much green. And, for me, always the wonder of beautiful stones – knocked loose by wheels and washed by the rain. Walks do me me much good.

Let us bake that in once again, shall we?

WALKS DO ME MUCH GOOD!

OK… on we go to the de-cluttering front….

Week TWO – Φ (phi) air – relationships – scent – mind

1st Quarter to Full Moon (July 12)

Focus was on… THINKING, Incoming Information and Relationships.

Hmm… well…. there still hasn’t been much physical de-cluttering happening round here. In fact, I seem to keep bringing more stuff into the house. Harumph. I did manage ONE actual 10 minute session of decluttering a surface and it felt rather magnificent. But, so far, there has been no repeat performance.

We did finish off those windows and we also cleaned the oven… but nope… not much de-cluttering per say.

And today I discovered the joy of the 5-minute tidy. Just now, in fact. My alarm went off while I was writing this post. It was my PM SIT alarm. I often turn it off and say, “OK. I will go and sit when I finish this task.” But today I took a different route. I saved what I have written so far and went and sat for 30 minutes. Then I did a check-in over on LIFT and then I hit a 5 minute timer and began to tidy…cleared off the end of the bunky where I toss things every day. Doesn’t count as a “de-clutter” because I’m not getting RID of anything. But hey – in 5 minutes, The bunky was cleaned off and the covers straightened. Felt good.

Hmm…. perhaps I’m not ready to de-clutter, but a 5-10 minute tidy would be lovely too. Added to my evening routine of clearing the kitchen and porch tables, a 10 minute tidy each day could make me feel a LOT better actually.

So let it be written…so let it be done! (ha ha)

OK… so there’s that but how did this week go – thought wise?

I have been watching my thoughts around de-cluttering. I want to hold on to things. I fall into the “I might need that” category. I might want to read that book again. I might need that mason jar to store left overs in. I might need that pair of shorts that hasn’t fit me for years….

I hope that one day I will be ready to tackle this, but my dear dear hearts… The de-clutter thing is really bringing me down. It just isn’t happening at all at all and it is making me sad as I become more and more aware of the clutter I live in. BLERGH.

I must confess that I have enough trouble these days remembering to brush my hair.

So… yeah… maybe a 10 minute TIDY is more my speed right now. Nothing wrong with that, eh?

Moving on to take a quick look at this weeks incoming info….I think I have actually cut back a bit.

First off – let me hereby declare that I am in love with my earplugs.

I’ve worn earplugs to bed (no late night radio) most nights this week and it is really helping me with the waking in the night. I even used them this morning because I just didn’t want to listen to the radio and I didn’t want to ask the Raggedy Man to wear his headphones as he often does now when he is listening to tunes and I am craving silence. I so crave the silence right now.

I’ve also been offline quite a lot this week, so there hasn’t been too much input from there.

More out in the world with “real folk” this week. This entails, of course, it’s own special brand of input, and as much as I’ve enjoyed spending time with pals this week – I’m glad to have the day to myself today.

I need a lot time alone. This I also know about myself. There’s two things to remember. Walks are good and so is time alone. (bake it in! bake it in!)

As to how this month’s habit is effecting my relationships… well…. hard to say. I ain’t really DOING the habit, so I don’t see much “effecting” happening.

We are moving into….

Week THREE – Χ (chi) fire – work – vision – will

Full to Last Quarter July 18

Take time for a review, see if I need to tweak my plan for the moonth, see what there is to Release.
Focus on Work – clearing up files on the computer and papers or simply continuing the de-cluttering of Sanctuary (AKA – editing).

So…. Let’s just jump straight in then and say that I feel the need right now to tweak the plan. Instead of the physical de-cluttering I will instead focus on these small TIDYings. A ten minute session attached to my PM Sit and the clearing of the tables as part of my evening routine.

I will continue to listen and pay attention to Leo’s lovely posts for the rest of the month but I hereby release myself and move into an … interested observer position as far as this de-clutter module goes.

Wow.

That feels pretty good. Wheeeeeeee!

I still wanna get those new curtains up and tidy those bookshelves though (heh heh).

And yes… in truth, the editing/reVisioning of Sanctuary is a form of de-cluttering that I AM able to do, so I shall hunker down this week and continue that.

~~o~~

Okay my pals and pallas….

It’s time for me to go and create dinner. I love cooking and baking. I’ve rediscovered this, lately. Yesterday it was such a joy to work at creating a beautiful loaf full of spicy goodness and love to take to the celebration and offer up to the family for their breakfasts this week. I carried the loaf, warm in my hands, across the river and gave it to my friend and… oh it felt good. May it nourish them.

I leave you with this lovely quote from Laura Esquivel (author of Like Water for Chocolate)…

The home is a sacred place where you can communicate with the four elements of the universe: earth, water, air and fire. You mix with your love and emotions to create magic. Through cooking, you raise your spiritual level and balance yourself in a world that is materialistic.

May we eat well this week.

May we find joy and peace as we stir the stew of our one wild and scrumptious life.

Go easy ~p

VIDEO: Pam’s Top 5 Tips for 3DNC Prep (with Mulligan)

Posted on July 9, 2014 by pam

5 Comments

Hullo peoples.

It’s that time of year again….

Time to get myself (and anyone else who wants to play) geared up for the 3Day Novel Contest (3DNC). I decided to make a wee “top five tips” video this year.

I was originally planning to cut in some photos just to break up the yada-yada-yada… but then I decided I liked the way the whole thing flowed. So… here’s some silly hats that I’ve worn during the contest (it’s a slide show – click on the first pic and it should run).

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Here’s a couple of my favourite 3day ensembles…both with PJ pants….

and…. the infamous Writer Jacket – for that all important editing session on the Monday of each contest.

editing a 3day novel in my Writer Jacket and pjs

Ahhh… I love this contest.

Now… to come up with an idea of what to write this year…..

Drop by the 2016 Chatzone if you’re thinking of jumping in to the contest this year. Be great to meet you.

go easy ~p

« 1 … 10 11 12 13 14 … 30 »

The Quick Chicken… (Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages: 6/6

Artist Date:

Tasks Done:

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

Share this:

The Quick Chicken… (Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

Morning Pages: 14/14

Artist Date:

Tasks Done:

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

~~o~~

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

Share this:

The Quick Chicken… (Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

Share this:

~~o~~ New Berry Ripe Moon ~~o~~

August’s Moon is known as:

Animal Visits:

New Moon Intention:

Share this:

The Quick Chicken… (Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

… being quotes from the book and my own blatherings

MY PERSONAL NUGGET…

Share this:

~~o~~ Dark Moon of Calming ~~o~~

The Hard:

West ~ Ξ (ksi) water – health – taste – emotions

Above/Below/All Round ~ The Fifth ~ Ψ (psi) quintessence – spirit – hearing/listening

Share this:

The Quick Chicken…

WHAT JUMPED OUT FOR ME…

My personal Nugget…

Share this:

The Hard:

The Good:

Week THREE – Χ (chi) fire – work – vision – will

Full to Last Quarter

Last Quarter to Dark Moon July 25

Share this:

The Hard:

The Good:

Week TWO – Φ (phi) air – relationships – scent – mind

1st Quarter to Full Moon (July 12)

Week THREE – Χ (chi) fire – work – vision – will

Full to Last Quarter July 18

Share this:

Share this:

Search

Follow Blog via Email

Things I talk about

Places I read

Archives

Wanna keep up?

Rather go RSS?

Recent Posts

Categories

Archives

some stuff i’m talking about

books i’ve been reading

some places i hang out

© 2020 Pam Bustin

© Pam Bustin.

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

o

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

o New Berry Ripe Moon o

The Quick Chicken…
(Cuz chickens are so much more fun that Check Ins)

o Dark Moon of Calming o