Pam Bustin
creator, editor, story tender
Shake and Bake 59 – The Saggy Draggy Baggy Edition
Last Quarter of Ice Coming In Moon.
Energy winding down… heading to Dark Moon resting time.
But, as the man says – No rest for the wicked.
The week whirled by me… with a speed hard to fathom. Wrapping up with a few days offline in town – which was actually a nice rest – and…. The Saskatchewan Roughriders won the Grey Cup! Huzzah huzzah huzzah.
Warms my prairie-girl heart. I used to work in a concession booth for Rider games in the way-back. Good times.
And now – we are home for a few days and then it is time to pack it all up and move to town. Indoor plumbing here I come!
So… the doings took a hit this week. AGAIN. I will not whine, nor beat myself about the head… but here be the stats…
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:7/8
- Walk: 2/8
- Yoga:0/8
- Meditation: 2/8 ~ Whaaaaat? eep.
…and…
- Writing Hours: 3/8 ~ longish shifts but WHAAAAAAT?
On an interesting front… I not only went offline for a couple of days – I also left behind my daily paper chicken thingy but… I somehow knew/remembered that today was the last quarter day of this moon – YAY.
And so … though I feel blank and rather… cranky… and it is already past 9pm and I really really REALLY just feel like watching some boob tube.. Here I am… doing the shaking and the baking. Because it will help me sleep a slightly righteous sleep. So many things “undone” this week. But this done. Woot.
Onward…
THE GNARBLE:
- Waves of emotion continuing to wash over me.
- Tiredness returning ~ must move…must move…must mooooove.
- Serious freaking FIGHT with myself to get my butt into the chair and write.
- Inability to find the right gift for one of my sweety-pants nephews. LORDY this brought up much “I’m a bad aunt” shite….
- Serious fear around a piece of writing I’m working on. Fear or Doubt.. or both.
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- Wednesday’s writing session – remember that? How awesome was it? Super Duper Awesome. I know this I know this I know this.
- Texting with my Sis – took all the sting out of the inability to find the danged gift and made me feel so so so so much better about what I bought in the end. Texting is fun!
- Erasing a really really mean thing I was about to say about myself earlier in this post. Way to not beat yourself up (too badly) when you are feeling down.
- And way to note that even though you are totally feeling tired and cranky and like a big ole loserface – you are HERE doing this THING that you very very much want to do each quarter.
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
The thing that is always true and can never be reinforced enough – I ALWAYS “feel better” (mood wise and physically and even spiritually) when I WORK. And once I get myself into the chair to work – the words always always flow and it is … a joy…. and a freakin’ RELIEF.
The ultimate goal being to work each day….
or at least 5 or 6 days outta 7
STEADY as SHE GOES – instead of BLITZING and feeling great for one day and shittay for four
Last Week’s Playful INTENTION…
To employ the listing and RE-listing method each morning when I make my “to do” list. In an attempt to Listen to the inner promptings and follow them – or at least be aware of them and whether they are in conflict with external promptings.
How it went…
I did manage to do this a few times….it continues to work.
This Week’s Playful INTENTION…
This week will be a week of packing and moving and being discombobulated. Let’s….
~EMBRACE the CHAOS~
Dive on in and take each day as it comes. Report back on from the other side.
~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by. Sorry to be a bit cranky-pants.
Here’s a song to take us through the CHAOS of the coming week….
Go easy ~p
Shake and Bake 58 – The Best Laid Plans Edition
Ice Coming In Moon.
Full moon night. Time of energy. Time of sight.
It’s been a lovely day, full of work and tasty soup. I’ve worked outside – preparing ground for next year’s plantings. I’ve worked inside – on moon pages in The Night Ravings journal. I’ve done a good shift of “work work” on Sanctuary. And now… here we are in the darknening time. Tonight I will do a wee full moon ritual – drawing down the moon, balancing my own energies and sending balance and healing vibes out to loved ones and the world at large.
It’s been another week of Ups and Downs… as always. The rain has returned and melted the snow. The ice started coming in…and retreated. Winter is slow in landing on the shores of the river.
Click on the pic below to scroll through a wee slideshow of the ice coming in and retreating…. closing with the grey day that was today.
Freeze and thaw… Freeze and thaw… The world is in transition – easing into winter.
My emotions have also been in turmoil too. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m this, I’m that, I’m the other.
The largest… upset… for me this week came in form of a cancelled train.
The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!
I had my travel plans all tucked up safe for my trip South for the Silent Retreat at the Ontario Vipassana Centre. But the world took a tip and we got a “PLOT TWIST!” moment. The train I planned to ride home on Christmas Eve has been cancelled.
There was a scramble… and then there was weeping.
There was deciding not to go.
There was deciding I MUST go.
There was thinking, and praying and asking and thinking and… there was more weeping.
There was another big price tag item bought on credit (gulp) and… there is a new plan in place. We now have Snow Tires on order and… unless I can find a ride-share with someone… The Raggedy Man shall once again ride to my rescue and pick me up to bring me home. He is my hero!
There has been a heap load of … old business… brought up within me by this whole situation. It took me by surprise, to be honest. There is a heap load of “stuff” tied up in attending this retreat. And there is a heap load of work I still need to do on some of my… issues.
For as the poem goes on…
Still thou are blest, compared wi’ me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But och! I backward cast my e’e,
On prospects drear!
An’ forward, tho’ I canna see,
I guess an’ fear!
I long to keep myself as much as possible in the present and not bogged down in the horrors of the past, nor the terrors of the future.
And in aid of that – there’s this…The attempt to do the doings each day… and track them.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:6/7
- Walk: 4/7
- Yoga:0/7
- Meditation: 6/7 I’m sitting for 1/2hr sessions almost every day. Huzzah!
…and…
- Writing Hours: 5/7 ~ The work has been on a variety of fronts…and not always in the world of The Fifth. This itches and irks a bit, as I long to dive headlong into this new world… but there are other bits of work calling and I have had to use my time as wisely as I can. So… I’ve worked. Let me be happy with that, and look forward to a time when I can truly immerse myself in that other world. All in time… All in time. I believe that.
I’m returning to the review of the gnarble and the tasty bits of my “week” as opposed to the thing I did last week. I missed the gnarble/tasty list. Compiling it is such a useful ritual for me. And leads me straight on into Gratitude and Clear(er) Seeing.
I do I do I do I do want to keep my focus drifting over the Elements…but I haven’t found quite the right way in to a weekly use of them yet. Five Five Five… Five bits of Gnarble and Five Tasty Bits? Might work. Let’s take it for a spin.
THE GNARBLE:
- Waves of sadness – knee weakening
- Waves of anger – burning hot
- Panic. Fear. Powerlessness – big heaping tangled KNOT of this shit
- Leading to…Confusion – not being able to even discern what I am FEELING…what I truly WANT. Which is ancient. This confusion is Old – old old and deep deep inside. Still. and oh how THAT bites.
- The seeing and recognizing of old old patterns still alive and kicking. Sigh.
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- The seeing and recognizing of old old patterns still alive and kicking. Good because the seeing and recognizing means I can work on … LIFTING them… again. DISSOLVING…ERASING… LETTING GO of…
- Friends who reached out to make sure I was OK when they sensed I wasn’t. Thank you.
- Generous offers of aid from friends. Thank you.
- Bravery, generosity, kindness and love from my sweet Raggedy Man. Especially wonderful and wondrous is… the talking. The talking. The talking. Thank you.
- Sitting down this morning and taking the time to focus and think through the way way too many things I wanted to “get done” today… laying them all out in a prioritized way… and RE-Laying them out to truly reflect my priorities. Took a bit of time, but felt rather… awesome. I see so clearly that my first laying out was all about externals and the second laying out was more in line with what I REALLY feel is important. Cool, non?
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
The talking. Always. Let TRM and I always TALK to each other. Let me not Retreat and Close Down.
This Week’s Playful INTENTION…
To employ today’s listing and RE-listing method each morning when I make my “to do” list. In an attempt to Listen to the inner promptings and follow them – or at least be aware of them and whether they are in conflict with external promptings.
~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by. Here’s a lil Bjork to light up your night.
Lyrics:
As the lukewarm hands of the gods
Came down and gently picked my adrenaline pearls
They placed them in their mouths
And rinsed all of the fear out
Nourished them with their saliva
Now I’m all rejuvenated and rested
Now I’m all rejuvenated and rested
As if the healthiest past-time
Is being in life-threatening circumstances
And once again be reborn
All birthed and happy
All birthed and happy
All birthed and happy
All birthed and happy
Best way to start-a-new
Is to fail miserably
Fail at loving
And fail at giving
Fail at creating a flow
Then realign the whole
And kick into the start hole
And kick into the start hole
And kick into the start hole
To risk all is the end all and the beginning all
To risk all is the end all and the beginning all
Go easy ~p
Shake and Bake 57 – The Harum Scarum Edition
har·um-scar·um (hâr m-skâr m, h r m-sk r m). adj. Lacking a sense of responsibility; reckless. adv. With abandon; recklessly.
Hey ya Hi ya…
I’m finding it … odd… and slightly… uncomfortable… to shift these Check In Chickens to a more moony cycle. I like the fact that it is increasing my awareness of the moon, but I must confess that it’s still a bit discombobulating to be marking the quarters instead of the week.
I was jussssst falling into the ritual of doing a check in every Friday and then… some weeks, getting myself entirely offline for the “weekends”. Now… it all depends on the mooooooon. I wonder how long it will take to fall into this new ritual with any kind of comfort.
We shall see.
Today marks the first Quarter of Ice Coming In Moon. The snow is here, but the ice hasn’t captured the river yet. The water was tossing high on the shore this morning. Cold cold cold and grey…but still moving.
As for moi…. The biggest struggle this week has been to re-establish the writing rituals and get my BUTT IN THE CHAIR.
This has me… down. It weighs on me – bending me low like the whitey-white bends down the lilac bush in the garden.
I shook off the lilac bush.
I did a few big blitz writing days…no doubt in order to “catch up” to the tiny prod of NaNoWriMo.
But the needed…steady…. day by day work just hasn’t returned. blergh.
And, now as I sit here and tally up my “doings” totals… I realize that I also fell down on the meditation and yoga fronts.
So. There is also THAT.
I have no excuses. I know the things that make me feel good and I don’t seem to manage to do them. sigh.
I hereby mark the passage of the week and the “doings” there-in.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:7/7
- Walk: 6/7
- Yoga:3/7
- Meditation: 3/7
…and…
- Writing Hours: 3/7 ~ out of sync…but words falling onto the page harum-scarum for the stories of the Fifth. The writing days feel so fricken good. I know this… so why do I neglect/avoid/run screaming to do ANYTHING but write? Dunno man. It’s the way it has always been for me. And when I work this way… I am full of a consistent DREAD and sense of failing failing failing. This is why I NEED the ritual of Writing Hours. And yes… I know that one would THINK that as I already know this and have PROVEN the effectiveness of doing the damned Writing Hours that I would DO the damned Writing Hours but… I sometimes don’t and that is the way it is.
BUT… I hereby shake off the guilty-guilt and start again with the rising energy of this moon phase. Yeah… that’s the ticket.
Things to Let Go of and Things to Nurture…
North~Earth~Touch
An intention to let go of the weight of guilt pushing pushing pushing, making me jump from this to that to the other and to hang my head in silly shame at days end.
An intention to Stop, Slow, focus on one thing at a time. One thing at a time. One thing at a time.
Feet on the earth. Grounded.
…
East~Air~Scent
An intention to let go of the frenetic seeking.
An intention to keep breathing deep and following the scent of My Own Truth instead of always seeking seeking … chasing ever after wisdom from the outside world.
…
South~Fire~Hearing
An intention to let go of the old tapes that play in my head. You know the ones I mean. The “not good enough” tape, the “who do you think you are” tape. The dancing prancing Monkey Mind that weaves stories of mad distraction.
An intention to listen…deeper. To follow the breath. To drop down into the body and listen from there.
…
West~Water~Taste
An intention to release the salty… to let it go and to embrace it. To allow the grief for so many things.
I intend to continue the ritual of beginning each day with a glass of cool water, looking out over the darkness and waiting for the light. Watching the ice creep over the river.
…
Above/Below/All Round~The Fifth~Vision
An intention to let go of the judgement and embrace the wildness of the words flowing. To let the story find me. To follow follow follow the characters that show up and see what they have to offer..
~~~~~
Thanks for stopping by.
May we place our feet surely on the path before us.
May we breathe deeply of beauty and love.
May we burn bright and refresh each other in passing.
Go easy ~p
Shake and Bake 56 – The Celtic New Year Edition
Things to Let Go of… and Things to Create…A plan for writing in the coming year… and much much more.
Hullo Me Hardy HEARTies…
Happy November. Happy New Moon. Happy NaNoWriMo. Happy MoVember. Happy New Year too.
October was a hard hard month hereabouts. I shan’t go on about it. Let us, instead look forward to the new month on this New Moon day.
Each moon has many names. I haven’t totally settled myself on ONE tradition, choosing instead to see which name seems to match – this place, this year.
The Celts call November’s moon – the Dark Moon as the wheel turns and the nights lengthen. The Algonquin call her Beaver Moon – which I am guessing may be connected to how busy the beavers are right now preparing their homes for winter. Or perhaps it has to do with trapping. Perhaps this is a good time to catch Beaver. I’m not sure and haven’t been able to find any wisdom on this yet. If anyone knows why the Algonquin call this Beaver Moon – I hope you will let me know.
As I walk through the world this week, I notice the cold. I notice the dark. And I did INDEED see a beaver. I turn my eyes to the sky, to the trees and to the water. There was a skiff of slush skirting the shore this morning. The river was shrouded in Mist as she has been every morning for the last few weeks.
This month will bring the ice to the river. So I shall call this moon … Ice Coming In Moon. That seems to fit best. I thought of Fog Moon but I have a feeling that once the ice forms, the morning mist will dissipate as well.
Last week held a huge sadness, as you all know. Our sweet four-legged, Robbie, moved on to chase those chippees out on her own Happy Hunting Ground. May she run strong, and may she visit us from time to time in our dreams.
The week also held Samhain – which I celebrated in my own quiet way, with a review of the last year and a small ritual before the fire in which I turned to each element for wisdom for the coming year. I had a small feast, sharing an offering with the spirits of my ancestors and the ancestors and all beings of this Place. I left a candle in the west window to light the way of any night travelers.
I woke in the night to the shape of a man standing near our bed. He wasn’t scary. He watched over us for a few minutes and then went his way. He had nothing to say. I didn’t “recognize” him, so I don’t think it was any of the men I know who have passed this last year. In the morning, I told the Raggedy Man that it might have been his father. But I was only guessing.
I’ve spent the last month… preparing… to begin a new year. I decided to follow the Celtic tradition in this and let my New Year begin in the dark time of the year. It fits in nicely with where I am at with my work. I continue to let Sanctuary, my Novel in Progress, rest. I have had a completely shitty month, writing wise, truth be told. But this new month, this new year, holds promise.
It’s November and – as most of you know – November is National Novel Writing Month. I used the spur of NaNoWriMo last year to write the history of Asiloverde – the town where Sanctuary takes place. It was fun and a bit bizarre as I found myself scrambling a bit to hit word count goals. But it did … help. I may never use EVERYTHING I wrote that month, but I did incorporate bits of the History into the novel. And it was good for me to… play around in the world of the book. To learn more about the place and the ancestors of the characters who populate Izzy’s world.
This month I will play around in an entirely different world. Well.. mostly. I think that the world of The Fifth may well come to include Asiloverde. We shall see.
But the exciting thing is … that I begin a new year and I begin to explore this world on the page and also in my day to day existence.
The world of The Fifth is our world, of course, but it is… well… let us say it is our world on a slant. I believe there is magic in the world of The Fifth. I believe there is magic in our world too.
I plan to let my focus drift over the elements – Earth Air Water Fire and Spirit – this year. I plan to follow the moon more closely. I plan to pay attention to the natural world around me – to an even greater degree than I have been. This closeness to nature is one of the joys of living here on the shores of the Kebsquasheshing. I plan to meditate and thereby increase my overall “mindfulness”. And… I plan to WRITE.
I think it will be a good year.
I’ve played around with some “writing plans” for the year.
I will use November to explore the world of The Fifth on the page. I have a few ideas for short stories, and an idea for a longer piece. I’m not sure yet if the longer piece is a novel in Five parts, or Five separate things. I’m open to what comes.
In December I am headed off to the Meditation Retreat and then it will be Yule. I hope to play with Ursula K LeGuin’s book Steering the Craft over the holidays and into January before returning my focus to ReVising Sanctuary.
I will keep you posted on the writing with these Shake n Bakes – which I have decided to keep on posting (for the time being).
That said…. let’s get on with the Shaking and Baking, yes?
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:8/8
- Walk: 5/8
- Yoga:4/8
- Meditation: 7/8
…and…
Writing Hours: 2/8 ~ have just re-booted the writing hours and lordy lordy they feel GOOD!
And… in tune with my new focus…
The “hard/gnarble” and the “good/tasty” become….
Things to Let Go of and Things to Create (and Nurture)…
with these first ones growing out of this year’s Samhain Ritual.
North~Earth~Touch
An intention to let go of rigidity, to the sense of… knowing the The Right Way to do things, and to stubbornly clinging to some kind of Pre-Determined Path.
An intention to Send Down Roots and to let them seek nourishment by growing – AS THEY WILL. They may go deep or they may spread shallow and stay near the surface. I intend to Trust that they will find the nourishment they need and that they will support me through the months and years to come.
Strength comes from the root, and from flexibility.
These are the things to be nurtured this year.
East~Air~Scent
An intention to let go of the heavy air, of the fog that clogs my senses. To let go of the weight of the Should Be Dones.
An intention to fill with Light and Ease and to follow the scent of My Own Truth instead of always seeking seeking … chasing ever after wisdom from the outside world.
South~Fire~Hearing
An intention to let go of the fiery Rage that I cling to as some sort of twisted Protection from my Fear. It doesn’t protect me. I am not in need of protection.
An intention to stand firm in my own strength and if/when Anger is directed at me, to answer back with a different kind of Passion and Heat from within mySelf. Not an answering Rage, but a burning away of Rage and a spreading of light.
An intention to nurture my own passions, my hungers, my curiosities, my senses and sensuality and to thereby re-stoke the fire of my love of this Life and of Living.
This element tells me, “Listen to the promptings of your desires. You will have what you Want when you truly know what that is – and when you can Speak it Aloud. Nurture the Flame.”
West~Water~Taste
An intention to release the murky brine and poison that I Swallow back.
Water is Life, is Flow, is Nourishment. I intend to slip into the cool…into the warm…into the flow.
This element reminds me that I am a Taurus and as such I am an incredibly Earth bound creature. I find my grounding there but I tend to hold too tight to the Earth.
I am learning to let the water run over me as well. I begin to make Mud Pies. I allow myself the knowledge that … I can breathe under water.
I intend to take refreshment. I intend to begin each day this week with a glass of cool water and to let it nourish me.
Above/Below/All Round~The Fifth~Vision
An intention to let all the Teachers go – for a time. Or at least the Clinging to them.
An intention to Listen to mySelf. To follow my own Scent and taste my own Truth. To touch the Earth lightly and to embrace the silence and the song. To see the Beauty all round and within.
To Be and to know that this Being is enough, and that I can also reach for more.
~~~~~
Well…. this has been rather … long-winded of me.
Thanks for stopping by.
Let me send you off with a little Van Morrison… with Celtic New Year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUTMgobBiqg
Go easy ~p
PS: For a wonderful reason NOT to dive into NaNoWriMo – go check this out…. He makes some fabulous points.
- No to NaNoWriMo (druidlife.wordpress.com)
Shake and Bake 55 – The HeartBreak Edition
A week of… coming to terms…
Still struggling with the COLD/FLU/DEATHBUG from hell, but I have hope. My energy seems to be returning, and I actually managed to SWYM yesterday…though the Writing Hours are still…. sorely lacking.
And, then comes the huge heart-crushing sadness of having to plan a farewell to our well beloved fourlegged compadre, Robbie. She has been a wonderful friend to us all. Oh we will miss her so.
I have no words right now. There is much weeping. My sweet Raggedy Man is outside, as I write this. He is digging a grave as the snow swirls around him. I will go and join him soon.
Much thanks to friends who have called or written to offer comfort.
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot
We will have the weekend together, and say our final farewells on Tuesday.
It aches to type this.
oof.
And the rest of the week? Right. The world keeps moving…doesn’t it? Today we move into the Last Quarter of the Hunter’s Moon.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:7/8
- Walk: 3/8
- Yoga:1/8
- Meditation: 3/8
…and…
- Writing Hours: 2/8 It feels like a big ZERO to tell the truth. I did sit for two sessions but I just seemed to … wander aimlessly… seeking seeking seeking something. Notes. Bibs and bobs. All to no real… END. Harumph.
So… yes… energy returns. Slow and steady.
THE GNARBLE:
- The sadness and pain of letting go of a loved one.
- Worry and yet more sadness watching others in pain over the loss.
- Fear and worry about something I declare Silent Retreat on. (Meaning I don’t wanna talk about it.)
- Discomfort over something being pushed to the side that I very much needed to … deal with… and now I fear that it might… fester.
- A sadness at noticing how very very much I am still ruled by fear. How easily I assume a defensive position and how hard it is for me to get… beyond this defensiveness. It makes me feel like a very… small… person. The glass slams down and I am safe inside but… there is the other person on the other side of that glass and I can no longer reach out to them. I might as well be on the moon as standing in front of them.
- And the dreads..the fears… that always come when the writing falls away… they are back, full force. For yes, indeed, I shall surely end up a baglady on the streets of some brutal city… I shall surely starve to death… I am surely a lazy-assed good for nothing waste of space…. AND SO ON. Blergh.
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- And in amidst the pain and sorrow… some wonderful heart filling news. I’ve been accepted to a 10 day Silent Retreat at the Ontario Vipassana Centre. I’m incredibly excited and nervous. The retreat will take place in December.
- And DOUBLE PLUS GOOD – I get to stop in on my way down to said retreat and see the sweet Lady K and her Consort. Oh glorious day – oh hooblip-hooblay! I am incredibly glad of this. I shall hold tight to this coming joy as I stumble through this coming week of hardness.
- My preparations for the coming turn of the wheel on Samhain have continued. I feel good about this. And I am so glad that I allowed myself enough time for the preparation. Slowing down is good.
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
Everyone has their own way through this and you cannot lift this from them. You can’t really … EASE their grief… no more than they can ease yours. All you can really do is be present with them and they with you. Remember that Pam.
Next Week’s INTENTIONs
To be gentle with everyone involved, including myself. To be strong for Robbie and to see her through to the very end. To her rest.
~~~~~
Get out a tissue….
go easy… yes. Please.
go easy ~p
In homage to Havi’s Friday Chickens over on the The Fluent Self — This is the place I review my week – in an attempt to track some things – like progress on my novel and… living intentionally. I shake out my week and lay it out. Let the hard burn off and the good sink in. Call it an experiment in paying attention.
Comments are cherished here. Discussion is adored. If you’d rather talk in private – drop me a line.
Shake and Bake 54 – The “All Stuffed Up” Edition
Full Hunter’s Moon – a time of high creativity and productivity…unless, of course, you are sick as the proverbial DAWG and can barely sit up and type.
Yes, my dears… I have be struck down this week with the COLD/FLU/DEATHBUG from hell.
So… This will be short.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble:5/7
- Walk: 1/7
- Yoga:0/7
- Meditation: 1/7
…and…
- Writing Hours: 2/7 I just couldn’t seem to focus this week as far as REAL writing went… but I did do two longish stints of writing work for my Year in Review book. This is part of my preparation work this week and I am glad I managed it, so hell… I’m counting it as WORK… as Writing Work. Because I feel it is a valuable exercise and… may be the beginnings of something larger.
THE GNARBLE:
- Horrible horrible horribleness last Friday… sad. mad. bad. SILENT RETREAT on this.. but clearly set up the entire week of Gnarble.
- immune system takes a dive
- cold virus moves on in and takes up residence smack in my lungs
- throat takes a beating til I am left silent
- much weeping
- much waking in the night
- much much so much sadness triggered
- much much rage still lives inside me and needs to be… seen to
- physically – fever, head and full body aching, breathless, and that fabulous feeling of being INFECTED – full of infection to the point that my very skin hurts
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- I’m still here. And for now, that’s enough. (seems harsh, right? seems like I shouldn’t say that – it’s all just “so dramatic, baby”. Oh well. it’s the truth and for one who pretends to tell the truth… I so hide things… so I leave this here AS IS… for my future lying-pants self to erase.)
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
Home made Hot n Sour soup is a good thing. Eat more.
R.A.I.N. – a way towards getting through this. I hope to talk more about this on a day when I have more energy. For now – here’s a link …
Next Week’s Playful INTENTION
Ease out of this. EASE Bustin. EASE. Out.
~~~~~
And to prove I can still smile through the snot….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds2VWVR97J0
go easy ~p
In homage to Havi’s Friday Chickens over on the The Fluent Self — This is the place I review my week – in an attempt to track some things – like progress on my novel and… living intentionally. I shake out my week and lay it out. Let the hard burn off and the good sink in. Call it an experiment in paying attention.
Comments are cherished here. Discussion is adored. If you’d rather talk in private – drop me a line.
Shake and Bake 53 – The “All Clear” Edition
Here we are at the first quarter of this year’s Hunter Moon.
Much time was spent this week in preparation mode. Working on and IN the new Night Ravings journal and gathering moony tidbits. Fun.
PREPARATION has revealed itself as my Playful INTENTION for the month.
There is an EXCELLENT post on preparation over at one of my favourite blog hangouts – the Deepest Well (click HERE).
The week was also busy busy with Doctor visits for the whole fam-damly. It took up much time and perhaps that is why I didn’t ALWAYS get to the “doings” this week. A week full up and well spent but… one canna do it all.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble: 6/7
- Walk: 4/7
- Yoga:4/7
- Meditation: 3/7
…and…
- Writing Hours: 4/7 Focus this week was on the two short pieces I am working on. Set in the world of The Fifth. I’m enjoying it.
THE GNARBLE:
- MiL is having a heck time with a sore ankle – sprain, strain, hairline fracture? Time will tell.
- Something I must take Silent Retreat about – as it is not mine to share but I hold a space for it here. A concern. A caring. An opening to good thoughts and well wishes.
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- Grand grand news from the Doctor for me. There was a possibility that I might have Lupus. Tests were done that had a positive reading and then MORE DETAILED TESTS were done. The more detailed tests came back – ALL CLEAR. Wow wow wow. I had no idea how worried about this I was. I am so glad and so relieved. No Lupus. Kidney function is clear. Deep deep deep breath of gratitude and thank-FULLness.
- The weather the weather the weather – so gorgeous we are still enjoying an evening sit on the beach before dinner. And boat rides into town. Ahhh.
- I have learned to make a simple hot and sour soup and I am IN LOVE with it! Yum.
- I managed two days this week with a “rest hour” in the afternoon. One day – I think I might have even NAPPED! It’s a Hunter’s Moon Miracle!
- Playing in the Night Ravings book. Finding images. Playing with colour and beginning to play with words.
- I REMEMBERED A DREAM. Very cool (I don’t usually remember them).
- I scored some work boots and some funky SteamPunky boots at the Second Hand Store.
- A date booked for this evening to celebrate a friends birthday. Fun will be had and I shall wear my funky new boots and a flippy dippy skirt!
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
Going with the flow – feeling OK, even though I didn’t get ALL the doings done everyday. The thing that weighs the most on me is not getting the Writing Hours in. But… It’s OK.
I didn’t rise early every day this week. But I did OK. And the days I DID rise early, I got all the doings done.
Next Week’s Playful INTENTION ~AS STATED ABOVE~
More preparation – for this Samhain and the review of my year and … beginning again.
I’m quite enjoying this taking the time to prepare. Giving myself room.
~~~~~
And just for smiles….
go easy ~p
In homage to Havi’s Friday Chickens over on the The Fluent Self — This is the place I review my week – in an attempt to track some things – like progress on my novel and… living intentionally. I shake out my week and lay it out. Let the hard burn off and the good sink in. Call it an experiment in paying attention.
Comments are cherished here. Discussion is adored. If you’d rather talk in private – drop me a line.
Shake and Bake 52: TUNE-AH!!!! The Year One ROUND UP Edition
It’s true… This is # 52 in the wacky world of Shaking and Baking.
How mad.
How fabulous.
How time flies.
It’s # 52 and it’s a New Moon. A great time to review things, look at what worked and what didn’t and make some plans for moving forward.
I’ve been debating whether to continue with the weekly check-in.
If I do continue… what shall I keep and what shall I let go of?
It’s a good question and I think it’s the right time to consider it.
Not only are we at #52 in the S&Bs – we are also nearing Samhain (October 31st). The dark half of the winter is about to begin.
I plan to use this month – this moon – to shift a few things. Including these Check-ins.
The first shift will be… the timing. Instead of posting each friday, I’m slipping in to a schedule that marks the New Moon, 1st Quarter, Full Moon and Last Quarter. My thinking is that this will help me in my quest to pay more attention to the cycling of the Moon and the shifting of my own energies in relation to the Moon.
We’ll see how it goes.
LET the REVIEW begin!
Let’s take a look at the … nuts and bolts of the S&B’s as they evolved this year.
RE: The Quick Chickens (tracking of the Doings)
These began pretty early on.
Here are the STATS for this last “round” –
THE QUICK CHICKEN STATS 203 Days Tracked
Scrib – 203
Walk – 141
Yoga – 71
Meditation – 113
Writing Hours – 137
and sad ole Guitar playing – 46 (stopped tracking 6 weeks ago)
The most noticable SAGS in the doings happened over the Christmas Holidays and in the high heat of Summer – surprise surprise. There was a dip and then a feeling of immense guilt and pressure and then – STRAIGHT OUT REBELLION and a declaration of a BREAK needed and after 2 weeks of not tracking (or much DOing) I came back to them.
The evolution of the Doings into my Morning Rituals has been rocky but rather organic. It is how it works best (right now).
SWYM ~ WH.
These days…on the “best mornings”
I wake
When the alarm goes off I fight my way out of the warm bed (as quickly as I can)
I turn on the coffee or the kettle for a hot drink of some sort.
I get the fire going (not quite every day yet)
I get my drink and some kind of hand food (easy to eat – fruit/nuts/toast)
I climb in the bunk and do my Scrib.
I keep the fire going.
I go for a Walk.
I do yoga and a short meditation.
I grab another snack and head into the Work Hours.
I emerge and make lunch.
And I feel like a WINNAH!
If I am derailed by… not getting out of the warm bed. It is a sad day. Heh heh. But I still get SOME of my Morning Ritual done. It just takes me later and later into the day to get the Doings Done. Or… I sacrifice something.
If Life Stuff interrupts my Morning Ritual – I try not to sweat it too much. I don’t want to get crazy dogmatic about it all. That way lies… the death of all that is groovy… for sure.
It was way back in Shake and Bake 5: The Dilithium Crystals Edition that I began grappling with the concept of these Doings.
I know that doing these things each day is incredibly important – long term and shorter term. For my well being. My mood. My body. My mind…everything.
I know this and I also know that whipping myself to do them will not help.
That beating myself up on the days I DON’T do them is incredibly UNhelpful.
I was thinking about this on my walk this morning. Thinking, How about instead of feeling shitty when you DON’T go for a walk or do yoga or whatevs…you simply celebrate the times you DO? Is that so fricken hard? Sheesh.
That said… I still have an urge to track it all. And I think this tracking helps me and it was kind of fun to round up the numbers today… so yeah, I will keep this aspect of the S&Bs.
There was a Summertime slump in the WH numbers – serious slumpage. Good to note. Looking at this, I started to wonder if I need / should take a real BREAK from them all together. I kept reading and…
found out that I DID give myself a “break” and shit godDAMN it did not work at all – at all at all. The dreads returned full force and it was shittay.
I did however quite enjoy taking “weekends off” and it could well have proved “more productive” so… there is that. Perhaps the WH can be aimed at 5/7 instead of 7/7?
There is always and always the Scrib – which is usually 1-2 hrs, and now there is the ChickIn ChickOot and the new Night Ravings … so there will still be writing for sure but maybe a 5 day “work week” is bestest. Hmm… considering.
RE the listing of the Hard (Gnarble) and the Good (Tasty Bits)
I really enjoyed going back over the Hard Gnarble and the Good n Tasties – just to remember things.
I was thinking of dropping them because…really who gives a rats patootie…but hey… I GIVE A RatPat so there!
And… there really is somekind of magic to it. Thanks again to Havi of fluentself.com ~ wise woman at large ~ for introducing me to this whole idea of weekly Chickens and for deepening my desire for Rituals.
Here’s some things that jumped out:
GNARBLy Bits to remember in the coming year…
Tiredness – lack of energy…hmm… started to mention this last November and it keeps cropping up. I have a Doctor now and we’ve been talking about it. When I first went to see her in April I though…ah hell, maybe it is just age and winter and… so on. But truth is it carried on throughout the year, didn’t it? She did some tests back in April, and some more in July. I see her on Wednesday and get some results.
I noted in Shake and Bake 8: The Getting Down with the Dog Edition that I used to have to take a lie down after work each day that I worked at Tamara’s House (A drop in centre for Adult Female survivors of CSA) and that was long long ago. I was able, because of the nature of the job to SEE that I needed a rest each day. I was able to nurture myself. I felt I had “earned it.” through my work.
I also found that I had indeed instituted a “rest hour” for a few weeks in the afternoon last winter. That was quite glorious and part of why rising so early to “get ‘er done” is such a good good thing for me to do. It opens up that hour in the afternoon for…resting.
I have spent the year in search of the right Rhythm for myself. The one that appears to work the best is – Rise Early, do the Doings and then have a nice a day which includes at least an hour in the afternoon to have a lie down with a book. Yummly!
The energy very obviously waxed and waned over the last year.
This is good to know. When I’m tired it feels like I have ALWAYS been tired and WILL always be tired… that isn’t so. It’s right here in fronta me. Useful info for sure.
Particularly TASTY BITS to chew on again…
REFUGE – during a really really low week… I declared REFUGE and just went to bed with a book. I didn’t even stay there all day – but the declaring REFUGE was quite wonderful and I would like to save this concept for future use. There was Refuge in Shake and Bake 20: The Tea and Poetry Edition – the day I decided “to stop pushing the river.”
It was in Shake and Bake 21: The Deep Dark Spark Edition that I realized that this S&B thing…
….is not a report card.
It is simply and profoundly… a noticing.
A celebration of the evolution of this life.
A review for the purpose of… noting that I am indeed nosing ahead on various fronts.
That is all.
There was THIS from Ela in Shake and Bake 27: The Epiphanic Edition :
Listen Deary…
This is a dangerous time for you.
There is much growth happening below the skin. There is a deep change in motion and you WILL emerge. You are emerging and it is a clear path you seek. A simple path.
Do not get cluttered up. You are doing well and more and more “things” will fall away and what you need will shine clear and come easily to your hand.
You already know these things. You do.
And it is true – this last year I kept piling it on…piling it on… do this do that do this other thing…take this class… read this..listen to that… do was SHE/He/They suggest.
Wouldn’t it be lovely (get the joke?) if this year… I could … take it a bit easier?
Keep it Simple and just… take the time to Do what I know.
To find my own way without adding-adding-adding on anything else from outside.
Just for this year.
Imagine that.
Ha.
There was quite a bit of… stuff I did online this year that was cool and helpful in many ways but that I sometimes forget TOOK ME TIME as well…
The Gratitude Practice over at — THNX4.org
The Compassionate Brain Series
The Awakening Joy Course
The classes at Coursersa: Aboriginal Worldviews (4 weeks) and Know Thyself (6 weeks Philosophy) (and I began a few others but… stopped… just wanting to be outside in the garden instead)
Two “Meditation Challenges” with Deepak and Oprah
These things fed me. But I can get overly… searchy… for more more more info from the outside.
I think, perhaps, I should remain open to opportunities this coming year, but also know that it might be just as fun and useful to sit and listen to Ela and take that hour in the afternoon to lay down.
From Shake and Bake 29: The Cabbages and Kings Edition:
Remember the tulip…Remember the tulip…
Remember the tulip sleeping below the ground. All that potential for beauty… petals and leaves reaching for the sun.
and this from Shake and Bake 31: The WILD Song Edition:
When you are looking to open to something … remember to “Get away from it” – BY YOURSELF. Take a walk or a swim or a paddle, work in the garden, go to sleep, bake bread, draw, listen to music, meditate, exercise…. You are free… but you are working sideways…. So – and this is important – don’t seek out others… Don’t read yet, or listen to a book, or watch a movie. I’m not sure why music is different… but it is. Don’t make telephone calls or go on facebook or to the ABE forum or seek out COMPANY.
Don’t stuff yourself with the words of others…. stay silent and alone for a while longer.
You don’t have to “think about” the work. In fact, it works best when you don’t directly think about. When you occupy yourself with something else… and let things rise up on their own. It is about drifting…not tugging…not digging… It is about allowing.
Because the words are inside of you. Open a space for them, create an opening. Be patient. The words will come.
From Shake and Bake 37: The Cup Full Up Edition:
The all important shifting of “I need to…” to “now I GET to…”
And the solid body KNOWING OF:
Sit and work and you feel good.
Don’t and you feel sad/scared/double plus not good.
This got refined in Shake and Bake 39: The Drift Away Edition to an even truer version:
GET UP and do the morning ritual and you feel good.
DON’T and you feel double plus not good.
Seriously.
Turns out that I started this whole S&B thang in order…
To see what happens.
To see how things evolve as I continue work on the NIP.
To take a FEW minutes to review the week and REMEMBER what happened.
And to… tell someone.
To write it down. For myself and for anyone else out there who might like to play along.
There has not been much “playing along” – at least not in public. That’s cool. It’s a strange thing to do. I get that.
I was quite quite QUITE afraid to do this weekly thing.
Remember THIS little convo?
Scared ME: Go ahead. Flash all your ugly bits right out there. What do I care if you want to be a big flasher face.
Not so Scared ME: My ugly bits?
Scared ME: Hard things are ugly.
Not so Scared ME: Oh, Sweety. They aren’t ugly. They’re just human.
And so it is.
There are things I’ve been working on for a year and still stumbling over:
Like…
Waking early
Eating Breakfast
There are People who … moved on past the Far Encampment… this year:
2 Mothers of friends
2 Close Friends
2 Friends of the Family
1 Brother
… and I have a sneaking suspicion I didn’t record everyone…. blergh…
There are Things I tried and then stopped and may try again:
Like…
Turning off the typer by 7pm – this felt pretty good but is hard hard as I also watch TV on here. I think the real urge is to QUELL the …. triple tasking… the watching tv and checking checking checking email/fbook/chats whatever. That way lies the exhaustion.
Going offline and truly have a “Weekend” on Saturday and Sunday? Again this is hard but it was quite rewarding. I think the ticket is actually about REST for me and a rest from my eyes on this screen.
And… yes… there is poor poor neglected Pree the Purple Guitar… head hanging…sigh-o. Once I stopped tracking it… I stopped picking up the poor darlin at all. Will I try again? I really do WANT to. And I know that for ME that means I must carve out a time and do it. Do it. Do it. And the idea of 1/2 hr or so each evening is lovely. But truth is I just did not do it. Just did not. So… I shal think on this as well.
There’s that book – Vein of Gold – that I TOTALLY stopped reading and working through. I’m not sure why. Did I just … lose interest? Or did I think it was eating time and I just didna wanna do it anymore? Or was there…Some other resistance? I pull the book off the shelf and see that I stopped at the task to “create a creative champion” Doesn’t seem to panic me… maybe I just got sidetracked and just … didn’t go back.
There is a strong Desire throughout the year to do “more” with the blog… more than just the weekly check ins. I did a bit more… but this desire lingers. I just can’t seem to put anything into action. YET.
In Shake and Bake 15: The one where it all shifts I decided to review the Scrib each week – This was cool and it lasted a few weeks but it took me a LOT OF TIME. I was doing it on the same day I was trying to write the post for the S&B and it was… frankly… too bleeping much… and started to take longer and longer each week. I was trying to slot things into various files and then when that got out of hand, I tried ONE big file and yes – ok it is typed up now but – to what end? I dunno.
The IDEA of this still appeals. I love writing long hand each morning but I know i make notes in there and then sort of “lose them”… not to be found until I am flipping through looking for a bit for the NIP or something.
Maybe I could start doing some kind of weekly look back again but find an easier/lighter way to do it.
It was FEB 22nd (Shake and Bake 21: The Deep Dark Spark Edition) that I wrote:
“And another idea begins to form…
I long to find my way to a simple set of stories that could be a companion for a year. To carry one through a year. A book you could begin whenever, but that would carry you through the moons of one year.”
LAST FEBRUARY – sheesh!
But yes… I will do it… this year… for myself. I will watch the passing of the moons and see what emerges.
I begin again this week.
With this New Moon I begin to prepare for SAMHAIN and to celebrate it as my own “new year’s eve” and begin again with this following of the moon…
Let’s see how it goes.
It takes me a long time sometimes… but I do find my way to things that seem to work.
Last March I started doing an evening Scrib… lasted a few weeks and then fell away again. But that’s when I began to play with The Daily CHICKENS. Now I do the ChickIn and ChickOot most every day and I’ve started to record a VERY short note each evening in “the 5 year thing” Hmm… AND I’ve been working on prepping the Night Ravings Book – where I plan to play about with scribbles in the dark and moony stuff and ritual and so on…
See… It takes awhile sometimes… but we find our way.
~
Whew – long post today.
Thanks for checking it out.
Hope your week was grand and that the New Moon brings you fresh intentions and energy to pursue them.
go easy ~p
Shake and Bake 51 – The “Shhh…. Listen….” Edition
Mmmmmm Fall…. crisp mornings and water so still we can hear the waves lick the shore on the far side of the Bay.
Loving it.
The days are warm again. Each evening, around 4:30 or 5:00… the Raggedy Man and I make our way to the beach and sit a while. Sipping beverages and gazing out at the river. There are tiny fish jumping, just off the shore. Friends cruise by in boats. Some stop in and join us for a bit – their dogs roaming our patch to see what smells good.
It’s been a good week.
Last Week’s Playful INTENTION…
…to keep walking and getting to know the woman in this story forming in my mind…
There was walking and there was more story slipping out. Yay for that.
The Quick Chicken (The Doings that help me with the Being):
- Scribble: 7/7
- Walk: 4/7
- Yoga:0/7
- Meditation: 2/7
…and…
- Writing Hours: 4/7 There were indeed only four FULL sessions of unbroken focus for the 2HRS but there was something written every day on the new tale. This is good. But yes – Must get back to opening that daily space for the word work.
THE GNARBLE:
- The only thing that irked/itched this week was… my tendency to fill the hours between 7-11PM with TV and online … hopping….cruising facebook and chat forums… never really LANDING. Happened a few times this week and then, once I crawled into bed I was like…. “why don’t I just READ instead. Blergh.”
THE SWEET N TASTY:
- Good news for The Raggedy Man always makes me smile. A project we though dead in the water is… still breathing and growing – HUZZAH!
- Seriously loving and appreciating the conversations I am listening in on over at the Shero’s School for Revolutionaries.
- Being outside in the sun, tidying and prepping for winter… gently and slowly.
- Our plans for winter falling into place – new adventures and challenges.
- This growing feeling of… well being… it is … well hell… it is simply delicious.
The Thing That Needs Baking In MOST (What WORKED):
Rising Early – a thing I know know KNOW and then… let slip. Wednesday was the best morning this week. Woke and climbed out of bed in the dark. Watched the light come. Bundled up and hit the misty river in the kayak. Sat and meditated beside a loon.
So good.
Next Week’s Playful INTENTION…
Come back again to this rising early. I’m never sure why it slips away.
~ Life is a practice, I suppose ~
Not a practice run – but a practice like…
…….a meditation practice…….
…….a writing practice……
This is Pam’s living practice… this is how we spend our lives… how I spend my life…
hmm.
Next week will be Shake and Bake 52. It will also be a New Moon. I foresee a…. review of this year of Check-in Chickens and perhaps a revisioning of the year to come. Hope you’ll pop by and see what shakes out.
~~~~
Today’s Video Fun is in honour of the Eighties Pics a dear friend recently posted on Facebook…. Days of wandering through Kensington Market, gathering with friends in our old apartment on Glenholme or in that warehouse space where I lived with my first love. Ahh the memories. Ahh the people I’ve found to share this life with. It’s just so… good.
One of the pics was taken when Jennifer Warnes played Ontario Place… Here’s a lovely vid of a dog enjoying Bird on a Wire… just kinda weird… and makes me smile.
~~~~
Okay… Time to step out into the rest of my day.
Wishing you a week of… roaming in the gloaming.
go easy ~p
In homage to Havi’s Friday Chickens over on the The Fluent Self — This is the place I review my week – in an attempt to track some things – like progress on my novel and… living intentionally. I shake out my week and lay it out. Let the hard burn off and the good sink in. Call it an experiment in paying attention.
Comments are cherished here. Discussion is adored. If you’d rather talk in private – drop me a line.
The Shero’s School for Revolutionaries (FREE this week!)
People! Women! All beings with access to the magic of the interweb…. go check out The Shero’s School for Revolutionaries. It is a series of … conversations between author Jennifer Louden and over 20 fascinating women. And it is streaming for FREE – this week.
I’ve listened to a few talks already and there is so much… so so much … juice and wisdom in these women.
I’m laughing… I’m weeping…I am incredibly grateful to Jennifer and the women involved for offering this up online and FREE this week.
There is so much here… I might have to find a way to pony up the dough to OWN these talks.
I’m headed out for a walk up the lane to contemplate what I’ve listened to thus far. But I had to pause to send out a “heads UP!” to anyone who might be open to checking it out. A spate of new conversations come online this evening.
Maybe we’ll be listening together – wherever you are.
Wheee!
go easy ~p
Places I read
some places i hang out
Pam Bustin 